productive

Today was productive. I got the entertainment unit fixed, swapped bookshelves and patched holes in walls. All by myself! Aimee even helped by following me around with the dustpan.

This evening the nanny and I went to visit Chase. We enjoyed ourselves with the little guy and then had a peaceful drive home.

I'm feeling sad just knowing that Chase should be home with me but need to remind myself that this is all for a reason.

Twix bar or ice cream

Another good visit with Chase but without any good answers or plans for the next few days.

He is well enough to leave the hospital but will be staying in until the transfer.

I'm craving chocolate so bad that I can't even think about anything else. Does anyone deliver? I'd be happy with a bowl of ice cream or even a twix bar. Anyone???

RTC's, zzzzzzz, men and germs.

Crappy news. Chase isn't being transferred to the RTC tomorrow. The hospital said something about the bed not opening up until next week. They gave me two choices:

1. Let Chase stay in the hospital until the bed opens up at the RTC. It will be at least a week. Chase will be devistated.

or

2. Bring him home and take the chance that something will happen that will get him 5150'd again and start the process all over. It could also be used against us at the IEP if he comes home and does okay.

After thinking a lot and discussing it with my mom I have decided to keep Chase in the hospital. Even though he is upset about that, the plan is the same as before but a little delayed. It does hurt knowing that he won't come home until mid April, but I'd rather do this now than regret waiting.

Since we aren't doing the transfer tomorrow, I will be going to work. I even get two hours of overtime for a horrible "bloodborne pathogens" class. Yay. :::insert sarcasm here:::: Can't wait to increase my fear of germs....

My boyfriend told me tonight that he loves me and can't imagine a future without me. He said he will do whatever works so we can be together. Oh and he went and visited Chase while I was at work. All by himself. He cares so much for Chase and Aimee. I keep reminding myself that when I start to give up. Not often you find a man that loves you and would be willing to love two children. Especially when one of the children is such a challenge. He says that we will slowly start trying to blend our lives. We shall see. I can't give up on having a meaningful relationship based on the struggles of Chase. I just can't give up on Chase or on my boyfriend.

I guess that's about all for tonight. Ambien is doing its job. zzzzzzzzzzzz................zzzzzzzzzzz.

Spring = scary rabbits

Chase has another roommate in his hospital room. This is roommate #5 in 3 weeks. He doesn't do so well with roommates. Maybe because he has never shared a room at home? Or maybe two unstable boys at a psych hospital in a crowded space is just a bad idea?

The plan is still on for next tuesday's transfer to the RTC. (residential treatment center) I know it is only for two weeks but it is making me nervous. I'm not a person that does well with "the unknown." Anxiety is a B%#CH.

Another rough day at work. I had a kid try to commit suicide on my shift. Sheets tied tightly around the neck CAN cause a person to lose consciousness and suffocate. Things like that hit a little to close to home for me.

After a rough week I think it is necessary for me to write some positive reminders to focus on....

*Both of my kids are intelligent, compassionate and goofy. They know how to make me smile.

*I have a good job which equals great insurance.

*Doggie Sara and Kitty Dax are becoming friends after 6 months of constant conflicts.

*I have pretty hair and am not biting my nails for the first time ever!

*Spring is here.

*Two amazing men in my life call me "sis." They are Steve and Kevin.... Just in case you were getting weird ideas!

*My daughter is so excited about swimming that she will brave freezing water to prove it to me.


*The Easter Bunny always makes for a good excuse to eat chocolate.

*I have a little brother who is willing to put his life on hold to move in and help when I need it most.


*Even with a deadbeat dad, my kids are surrounded by positive male role models. (Above is a pic of my lil bro)

*All the easter backgrounds that i found for the blog make me want to gag. So cheesy that I had to smile.

Time for me to go to sleep with scary giant bunnies and ugly easter egg dreams.

Good night

I just wrote a long post and it got deleted. Chase is good. I can't sleep. I'll see Chase tomorrow after work.

rollercoaster

Today was a rollercoaster. It was my day off too!

1. Talked to Chase at 8am and he sounded very sad. He admitted he was sad but didn't want to talk about it.
2. Went to the dentist. Ouch. Enough said.
3. Spoke with the Kaiser case manager. She reminded me what a strong case we have for Chase to go to residential, but also reminded me that the county will put up a good fight.
4. Good visit with Chase, despite my swollen mouth and pain killers. He didn't even remember being sad this morning on the phone. He has another loose tooth!
5. Lil bro Kevin is out with his friends at a St. Patty's Day party. I'm so glad he has made friends around here.

I guess that's it for today. Aimee is restless in her bed and its only a matter of time before she climbs into mine.

...

Chase is hanging in there. He's such a sweet boy and makes sure he calls me whenever he has the chance. Even if its just to tell me that he loves me.