Deja vu

Chase is being 5150'd again. Tried to stab himself in the neck tonight while I was at work. Thank goodness for our amazing nanny. She saved my son tonight. Gotta go, laying in hospital bed with Chase in the ER.

Storm

Parenting is about making decisions. Starting from the moment of conception. For me there was a choice to be made about whether or not I was capable at 19 years old of being a mom. No real dilemma for me, it would be hard but I knew I could be a mom. From that point on, the decisions are smaller but just as life altering. Most recently the decision of medications and hospitalizations etc.

Fast forward to the present time. I am watching my son start spinning off into what I know is a world full of psychosis, mania and aggression. ::::Warning::: metaphor coming... Its as if we are standing in a light mist of rain. I see the clouds getting darker and the rain slowly increasing. Chase is headed in a direction and all I can do is hold his hand and pray. We can stand in the rain and be ok, until the flooding begins and then we can't get dry. Once things get that bad, there is no decision to be made. Doctors/therapists etc will make it for me. But the flooding always causes damage that lingers long after the sun comes out.

Am I just waiting and stalling so I don't have to make the decision?

I know my son. The storm is coming. Its my job to keep BOTH of my kids safe. No matter what.

Blessed

I stayed home today. A lot was going on so I just wanted to keep a close eye on Chase.

Rick (papa) came to pick up Kevin. Of course a visit from papa wouldn't be complete without a houseful of obnoxious dogs. Picture this: Car pulls up, car door opens and 3 giant INBRED puff balls with legs come flying out and ready to tear up my furniture and traumatize my cat. Thankfully the "dogs" didn't leave any permanent marks on my carpet this time and the visit was short but sweet. My dog Sara breathed a sigh of relief when the puff balls jumped back into the car.

MRT came out for our appointment that I had set up yesterday. Leslie from MRT just checked in with us and really got me thinking about Chase's school placement. Maybe I'm in denial that Chase can function his current school. It might be time to step into a real Day Treatment program. My main concern was that Chase wouldn't learn as much academically at a day treatment. But as Leslie pointed out, he isn't learning much at this point anyway because he's in such a constant state of distress when he's at his current school. Something to think about.....

And then two things happened that remind me that God is so present in our lives and to take time out to thank Him.

1. I was enjoying a nice afternoon in the front yard watching my children play when a man came walking past the house with his two little dogs. I've seen this man before in passing and we always chit chat about the dogs. But today he was walking with a little boy. Chase stopped the little boy (we will call the little boy "N") so he could admire his fancy razor scooter. The boys were quick friends and started bugging the dad and I to let them play. The dad and I exchanged names and phone numbers. I told the dad that I would walk "N" home when they were done playing. The dad then hesitated and said, "I am excited about the boys playing together but you should know that "N" has special needs and is labeled as emotionally disturbed." I could tell he was just giving me a heads-up and not expecting anything in return so I shocked myself when I grabbed the man's hand and shook it. I said, "Let me introduce myself again, I'm Kristen, mom to a child with special needs and diagnosed as bipolar." He probably thought I was a nut but all of the sudden I just felt like God had moved this new family onto our street for us to meet. The evening was fun and the boys were GREAT friends by the time I walked "N" home. We even planned to get together for a BBQ or something so we could share experiences with each other and talk about parenting our special boys.

2. Not long after going inside to start dinner, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw one of my closest friends was calling me. Shannon had met a lady that has a child that is struggling with some sort of mental illness and thought I could be helpful or even just someone who could actually understand. It makes me proud to know that Shannon thought I could be a support for this woman I have never met. When we are struggling and alone, God finds a way to bring the people we need into our lives.

Today was a good day. I feel so blessed.

On edge...

Chase is on edge. We are on edge. He is easily irritated, quickly angered and just plain mean. I called Mobile Response Team (MRT) and due to budget cuts, there is not enough staff to come out to the house unless we are currently in a crisis. Ironically if we WERE in crisis, the team would be responding from so far away that they couldn't help anyway.

I am thankful that Chase is not being violent and is not a danger to himself or others at this point. My mom is available to take Aimee if things escalate. If things don't settle down, this may be another FMLA weekend. Just what we need...more unpaid time off so we can dig our hole even deeper.

As far as SSI and SSDI is concerned, I've applied. We don't qualify due to my income. I've thought about fighting it but can't find anyone to help me fight it without requiring a huge retainer. We applied for Medi-Cal again for Chase. I want to make sure that I have things in place for when the state cuts off funding through the school district for mental health services. I know from past experience that my "share of cost" would be about $3000/month. Probably not worth it but I may as well keep our "benefits" active just in case.

That's all for today, time to start cooking dinner.

a few pics

mistake

With everything that our family has gone through, there are a few things I really pride myself on as a mother.

1. My children have never heard me speak poorly of their father. As far as they are aware, Daddy and Mommy are friends but just not together anymore.
2. I never discuss finances in front of the kids. (Adult finances)
3. My children will never doubt that I love them and would do anything for them.

Today I made a mistake. A big one. Ok maybe a few.

Little brother Kevin asked me for spending money. In a moment of stress and frustration, I told him that as of Jan 18 our water and PG&E will be turned off, so NO I have no spending money for him. Then I turn around and see my son's wide eyes as he sat on the stair behind Kevin. Chase takes on any stress for the family and will literally lose sleep over it. That is why I am so careful, until today.

As I was tucking him into bed, he cried with worry about the power and water being turned off. Then I lied. I lied to my son. Its one of those little white lies right? I told Chase that I just said that because I didn't want to give Kevin any money that he would waste on video games. What I wasn't aware of was that he heard me on the phone with PG&E trying to negotiate with them so they don't shut it off. So now he knows I lied.

Things have been financially tight since deadbeat dad took off and then got fired from his job. I don't talk about it much because its embarrassing. But now my pay got cut because I work for the county and we are getting 2 furlough days per month AND they screwed with our insurance premium and copays. I want to be angry at my ex for not helping with his children. Instead I just end up feeling like a failure as a parent to provide for my children. And what happens when the water and power are actually shut off? No lying my way out of that one when Chase asks what happened.

I'm sure I could probably call my mom and she'd help and then make sure that I feel even more like crap. I'm going to put it out of my head until monday and just enjoy the weekend with my kids. Tomorrow would be my dad's 73rd birthday.

school

Many parents take school for granted. Not ALL. But many. They wake their sleepy kids up for school, get them dressed and give them a hug and off they go. When the kids come back home, their brains are a little more full and their tummies a little more empty. A little snack and they are ready to finish up their homework so they can have a fun evening. I KNOW thats how some families operate because that was me and most of my friends growing up. Same as the kids in our neighborhood. School homework fun...no big deal.

But this is NOT our experience in the Patterson house. Even on a good day. I can't be jealous. Or can I?

Lies

My brain feels scattered tonight. Tons of random thoughts bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls. I'm going to try to turn the random stuff into something that makes sense.

Chase lied at school yesterday. Not a little white lie or even a lie to make himself seems super cool. A hurtful bunch of lies that made me look like an awful mom. He told the school that I would not feed him anything in the morning because he was being bad and we were so poor there is nothing in the fridge. Then he also said that I told him to take his meds himself because I was angry at him and as a result, he took the wrong meds. So in his explanation of things he was acting out, tired and hungry because I'm an awful mom. Ouch.

In reality he had a bowl of cereal, got upset and decided he wanted something else. He put his entire bowl into the sink wasting a lot of milk and cereal. I told him THAT was his breakfast and he could have some fruit if he was still hungry. And the meds lie didn't make sense at all because he was given his meds just like every other day. I would never trust my EIGHT YEAR OLD to administer his own medication. Thankfully when the school called me to verify Chase's stories, I was able to clarify and when the school spoke with him about it, he cried and admitted he was trying to make excuses.

Other than the lying incident, Chase is really doing well in school this week. His homework has been completed with minimal fuss.

Time for me to get to sleep. I found an online bible study guide for women and each night I read a bit before bed. Its a start...