IEP results

Chase is in the RTC. He got there around dinner time tonight and settled in quickly.

The IEP was really hard. I was an emotional wreck and it took everything inside of me not to strangle the necks of the women from the county mental health. After two hours of blah blah blah, we did have one good result.

Chase will have a TBS worker when he comes home, even though its a service that is generally not offered except to Medi-cal patients.

"Therapeutic Behavioral Services (TBS) is a short-term supplemental service offered in coordination with other mental health services. It helps in decreasing behavior or symptoms that are jeopardizing a child’s current living situation or by assisting in a planned transition to a lower level of placement. TBS helps the child learn new adaptive behaviors and skills to replace dysfunctional or dangerous ones, is cognitive-behavioral based, and is delivered in the child’s every day living environment. Therapeutic interventions that occur in locations where children experience the greatest problems; and a fade-out or transition plan to consolidate therapeutic gains. "

Basically we will have a TBS worker in the house for up to 20 hours/week. I hope this works. I don't want Chase to have to go to longer term RTC but I'm willing to try whatever help they send our way.

Curve Balls and Tequila

Life has a way at throwing curve balls. Right? Here's a couple that got chucked at my head today:

*Chase will be transferred on tuesday AFTER the big important IEP. Yikes.
*In order to pay my bills for the next month, I have to work 2 overtime shifts each week. That equals two AM shifts, two PM shifts and three GRAVEYARDS each week. Thankfully overtime is available on the graveyards.....yay...
*No one bothered to mention to me that mourning for the loss of my daddy could jump up out of nowhere and knock me down without warning.
*Child support paperwork arrived that reminded me that my kids haven't seen their dad since mid november. By their dad's choice. Pathetic. Heartbreaking.

Just thinking of the plans for tomorrow (well technically it's already tuesday) is making me anxious.
1. Wake up with Aimee.
2. Have big talk with Kevin about my expectations while he lives with me.
3. Go to pharmacy to pick up Chase's meds and my refill of Ambien
4. Chase's IEP in Concord. Tune in...to see Kristen act like a angry mama bear...
5. Drive to Vallejo to pick up Chase.
6. Drive with Chase to the new RTC.
7. Tour of RTC and get Chase settled.
8. Cry on the drive home while I miss my boy and question each decision I have ever made.

Tomorrow will be busy so I'd better shut my eyes now. I'm out of Ambien. If I can't sleep I might just resort to a shot of tequila. Don't judge me :-P

Pics and Disneyland (not together)

I think I mentioned in another post that my animals, Sara and Dax are slowly getting used to each other. See the pic below for proof. Lately they both sleep in bed with me. I only make a huge deal out of it because in October they wouldn't be in the same room.


Aimee was not happy to go to bed tonight but when she finally went to sleep, she curled up like little bear surrounded by books.

My boyfriend and I had a great visit with Chase today. He was smiling and laughing and showing us how he builds "structures" with Magnetix. We are still unclear on the transfer date but at this point it won't be before Wednesday. Monday is tomorrow and they can't move him until the intake doc accepts him. And tuesday is the big IEP that cannot be rescheduled. I wish we could hurry up and get him to the RTC. Chase doesn't do too well with transitions so lets get it over with already!

I know its too early to think about, but I plan on taking Chase to Disneyland when he comes home from the RTC.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up in a week or two?

productive

Today was productive. I got the entertainment unit fixed, swapped bookshelves and patched holes in walls. All by myself! Aimee even helped by following me around with the dustpan.

This evening the nanny and I went to visit Chase. We enjoyed ourselves with the little guy and then had a peaceful drive home.

I'm feeling sad just knowing that Chase should be home with me but need to remind myself that this is all for a reason.

Twix bar or ice cream

Another good visit with Chase but without any good answers or plans for the next few days.

He is well enough to leave the hospital but will be staying in until the transfer.

I'm craving chocolate so bad that I can't even think about anything else. Does anyone deliver? I'd be happy with a bowl of ice cream or even a twix bar. Anyone???

RTC's, zzzzzzz, men and germs.

Crappy news. Chase isn't being transferred to the RTC tomorrow. The hospital said something about the bed not opening up until next week. They gave me two choices:

1. Let Chase stay in the hospital until the bed opens up at the RTC. It will be at least a week. Chase will be devistated.

or

2. Bring him home and take the chance that something will happen that will get him 5150'd again and start the process all over. It could also be used against us at the IEP if he comes home and does okay.

After thinking a lot and discussing it with my mom I have decided to keep Chase in the hospital. Even though he is upset about that, the plan is the same as before but a little delayed. It does hurt knowing that he won't come home until mid April, but I'd rather do this now than regret waiting.

Since we aren't doing the transfer tomorrow, I will be going to work. I even get two hours of overtime for a horrible "bloodborne pathogens" class. Yay. :::insert sarcasm here:::: Can't wait to increase my fear of germs....

My boyfriend told me tonight that he loves me and can't imagine a future without me. He said he will do whatever works so we can be together. Oh and he went and visited Chase while I was at work. All by himself. He cares so much for Chase and Aimee. I keep reminding myself that when I start to give up. Not often you find a man that loves you and would be willing to love two children. Especially when one of the children is such a challenge. He says that we will slowly start trying to blend our lives. We shall see. I can't give up on having a meaningful relationship based on the struggles of Chase. I just can't give up on Chase or on my boyfriend.

I guess that's about all for tonight. Ambien is doing its job. zzzzzzzzzzzz................zzzzzzzzzzz.

Spring = scary rabbits

Chase has another roommate in his hospital room. This is roommate #5 in 3 weeks. He doesn't do so well with roommates. Maybe because he has never shared a room at home? Or maybe two unstable boys at a psych hospital in a crowded space is just a bad idea?

The plan is still on for next tuesday's transfer to the RTC. (residential treatment center) I know it is only for two weeks but it is making me nervous. I'm not a person that does well with "the unknown." Anxiety is a B%#CH.

Another rough day at work. I had a kid try to commit suicide on my shift. Sheets tied tightly around the neck CAN cause a person to lose consciousness and suffocate. Things like that hit a little to close to home for me.

After a rough week I think it is necessary for me to write some positive reminders to focus on....

*Both of my kids are intelligent, compassionate and goofy. They know how to make me smile.

*I have a good job which equals great insurance.

*Doggie Sara and Kitty Dax are becoming friends after 6 months of constant conflicts.

*I have pretty hair and am not biting my nails for the first time ever!

*Spring is here.

*Two amazing men in my life call me "sis." They are Steve and Kevin.... Just in case you were getting weird ideas!

*My daughter is so excited about swimming that she will brave freezing water to prove it to me.


*The Easter Bunny always makes for a good excuse to eat chocolate.

*I have a little brother who is willing to put his life on hold to move in and help when I need it most.


*Even with a deadbeat dad, my kids are surrounded by positive male role models. (Above is a pic of my lil bro)

*All the easter backgrounds that i found for the blog make me want to gag. So cheesy that I had to smile.

Time for me to go to sleep with scary giant bunnies and ugly easter egg dreams.

Good night

I just wrote a long post and it got deleted. Chase is good. I can't sleep. I'll see Chase tomorrow after work.

rollercoaster

Today was a rollercoaster. It was my day off too!

1. Talked to Chase at 8am and he sounded very sad. He admitted he was sad but didn't want to talk about it.
2. Went to the dentist. Ouch. Enough said.
3. Spoke with the Kaiser case manager. She reminded me what a strong case we have for Chase to go to residential, but also reminded me that the county will put up a good fight.
4. Good visit with Chase, despite my swollen mouth and pain killers. He didn't even remember being sad this morning on the phone. He has another loose tooth!
5. Lil bro Kevin is out with his friends at a St. Patty's Day party. I'm so glad he has made friends around here.

I guess that's it for today. Aimee is restless in her bed and its only a matter of time before she climbs into mine.

...

Chase is hanging in there. He's such a sweet boy and makes sure he calls me whenever he has the chance. Even if its just to tell me that he loves me.

Guilty

I'm too emotional to write anything that will make sense tonight. I don't think I've ever done this format on a computer. When I was in treatment for anorexia we did this stuff all the time. The goal is just to write what you are thinking and feeling without all the fluff inbetween. No structure. No rules.

Here we go:
Chase sad Chase happy Mommy sad guilty . Need to do more, doing too much already. Chase Aimee Mom, our family. When one pulls away, the others come back stronger. Hurt Actual physical pain in my heart. Beautiful smiles and amazing sport games played on a psychiatric unit. Aimee misses mommy. Mommy misses Aimee. Mommy is drained of energy and so Aimee misses her. What is the right thing to do. At what point can I loosen my grasp on my life and let God jump in. I pull away. From god, from peers, from family, from any form of support. Pity hurts. Aching in my heart and soul for my daddy. He was more than amazing and now he is gone and it hurts. Work sucks. Stupid new staff screws up my whole shift and I get written up for it. Another write up. Another black mark on my personell file. Failure. At work, with my kids, with my finances and probably my romance. Guilty Hurt Terrified Anxious Sad Withdrawn Pessimistic Torn Helpless Isolated Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty.

Our plans

Quick update before I go to bed. (Yes its only 1pm but I work a graveyard shift tonight.)

Chase is actually doing well. His new meds seem to be helping quite a bit. I'm so proud of my little man. And he has a roommate that he has so much fun with!

The plan for the next few weeks:
1. Get chase out of the hospital.
2. Transfer him to a residential treatment center in San Francisco. Our insurance will only cover a 2 week stay. I'm ok with that because it will give us a chance to see if it is really worth fighting for. We can see how he likes it and if its a good fit for him.
3. Next IEP at the end of March to discuss long term residential placement.
4. If necessary, bring in the big guns....a special education lawyer that I can't afford.

Since he's been back in the hospital, I haven't missed a single day at work. I take a lot of pride in my job and as much as I may complain about it...I love it.

Aimee is SUCH a diva lately. She reminds me of a teenager already! Yikes.

Thanks everyone for all your support and hugs. I've been in plenty of therapy throughout my life and writing has always been more helpful than talking for me.

Tears not words

Chase is still in the hospital with a new med plan.

As for mom....... I'm not well. My anxiety is off the charts. I am grieving for my dad a lot right now. So many things I would talk to him about.

I love my boyfriend but not sure our lives can blend. We are taking a break right now and it hurts.

I have so much else going on in my head but it just comes out as tears, not words.

HBO show

Chase is still hanging in there as much as any 7 year old can in a psych ward. I see a little progress with the new meds. But not nearly enough to feel safe.

On another note, there is a show on HBO that is called Boy Inturrupted. Its about a kid that is possibly bipolar. But the story ends in suicide. So if you are too emotionally tied to this issue, please don't watch it. Otherwise, it shows a lot of similar things to Chase and it terrifies me. I pray with such early intervention Chase will be okay and have his mental illness under better control.

I'm going to bed now.....mmmm sleep...

Pics

Aimee insisted that I take this picture. Her hair was wet, she dressed herself and she had her baby doll ready to go to school. Silly boy is losing all his baby teeth!

Check out Aimee's face! This is them after their showers and in a rare moment of friendship.

Aimee insisted on wearing this princess dress all day, despite the 50degree weather.

Sara the doggie.

Chase is still in the hospital, but with the Geodon, Visterol and Clonidine, he's doing better than I expected. And he is becoming quite the artist!

Bittersweet

Chase is back in the hospital after we sat in the ER for 10 hours yesterday. That included one pretty good rage where they nearly put him in restraints. He's not happy to be there, but I could see relief on his face. He doesn't want to hurt us or scare us and he feels that we are safe when he's in the hospital. My little boy is so compassionate.

Aimee woke up this morning and is back to her normal self without worrying about Chase's rages.

On another note, I reconnected with an old friend this morning and I'm SO happy about it. We haven't talked in years but she was always a huge support for me and we have been through a LOT together. (Hi Lauren!)

I will update more later, after I talk with the hospital docs and social worker.

please pray

Chase is doing worse than he ever has. I have been bitten, strangled and torn down emotionally. He will be going back to the hospital today. His sister is terrified of him and for some reason he has been directing a lot of anger at her.

I am devistated (no clue how to spell it.) He started on a new med this weekend, Geodon and so far I'm not seeing any improvement.

Chase needs to go to a residential treatment center but no one will pay for it. I keep pushing the school district but they keep pushing back.

Please keep praying.