I'm too emotional to write anything that will make sense tonight. I don't think I've ever done this format on a computer. When I was in treatment for anorexia we did this stuff all the time. The goal is just to write what you are thinking and feeling without all the fluff inbetween. No structure. No rules.
Here we go:
Chase sad Chase happy Mommy sad guilty . Need to do more, doing too much already. Chase Aimee Mom, our family. When one pulls away, the others come back stronger. Hurt Actual physical pain in my heart. Beautiful smiles and amazing sport games played on a psychiatric unit. Aimee misses mommy. Mommy misses Aimee. Mommy is drained of energy and so Aimee misses her. What is the right thing to do. At what point can I loosen my grasp on my life and let God jump in. I pull away. From god, from peers, from family, from any form of support. Pity hurts. Aching in my heart and soul for my daddy. He was more than amazing and now he is gone and it hurts. Work sucks. Stupid new staff screws up my whole shift and I get written up for it. Another write up. Another black mark on my personell file. Failure. At work, with my kids, with my finances and probably my romance. Guilty Hurt Terrified Anxious Sad Withdrawn Pessimistic Torn Helpless Isolated Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty.
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You ARE strong!!! You CAN do this!! Everything WILL be ok!!!!!!
ReplyDeletemommy pain. mommy pain that will not go away. others cannot see mommy pain. they see sad, but they cannot see pain.
ReplyDeleteour precious boys deserve so much more.
maybe they need what only mommy pain can obtain.
logan's mommy who is guilty of mommy pain
I want to speak to you GRACE, GRACE, GRACE. You are living under such a cloud of guilt, and you were never meant to live that way. God's tender mercies are new every day. It is ok to be a mess, because that is where we become real. I pray for peace for you, and rest, and more good days at work, and that the residential treatment center in SF will be a true help to your precious son.
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