neighbor party

What a day! 8 hours of work followed by a busy afternoon with my kids. When Jared dropped them off, we were immediately invited over to the house next door ("A's" house). One of Jim's kids was having a birthday swim party. Tons of food, family and fun. Chase swam while Aimee and I hung out. Chase was REALLY good. When "A" started to rage, Chase watched and then when it was safe, went over to him and they talked for a while. I'm not sure what was said, but either way, both boys were relaxed and happy after.

All in all, we had a good afternoon/evening. Now both kids are in bed and I'm ready to embark on a new adventure. A new puzzle. Woooo... I'm such a wild girl....

my list and swine flu

I'm back with a new memory card. Here are some updates...

1. Chase is doing well. Spending ALL of his time in the water, either in Discovery Bay, our backyard, the neighbors pool or running through sprinklers.
2. Aimee still isn't potty trained....this is getting ridiculous
3. My dad is hanging in there. He will likely be home tomorrow. But being on oxygen, heart monitors etc is really scary for my mom. It would almost be easier if he stayed in the hospital a while longer.
4. My job is infested with Swine Flu. http://www.contracostatimes.com/news/ci_12481333?nclick_check=1 Not cool. This means that I can't visit my dad. Its really not worth the risk. So far there are no cases on my unit, but with such an isolated atmosphere....its just a matter of time.
5. My anxiety level has been off the charts. I can't pinpoint why exactly.

Here is a random pic of my neice and nephew on the boat last weekend. Yay for boating with family!

ggglkgahoihgd

I haven't been posting, obviously. Things are hectic and stressful. Chase is doing really well but everything else has fallen apart.

my daddy

My kids are ok. This isn't about them.

My daddy is so sick. I am scared. I am terrified. I'm not willing to lose him yet. My children deserve to grow up with him as their awesome grandpa. They need to know him. He is everything to my mom. Everything. Please pray for my daddy.

not

I'm really frusterated. Memory card still not working for my camera.

Kids are ok. Maybe I'll write more later. Maybe not.

stupid computer

My memory card is working fine, but when I put it into the computer, it stops working. So no pics today. Hopefully tomorrow.

Chase and Aimee came home from Jared's, played outside, hung out with family and then went to bed. Chase had a little tantrum but nothing huge. No med changes on the horizon. Tomorrow "M" will be babysitting the kids while I go out on the boat with my family.

That's about it.

alkgionheg blah

Another night of not sleeping. I guess I should get used to it, being that I've tried every sleep medication on the planet.......

I miss my kids and pray Chase doesn't rage tonight after coming home from Jared's. I guess that's all I really have to say.

R and K

I can't sleep but thats nothing new. In five hours I have to get ready for work, get both kids packed and in the car, and to Martinez to do the "kid swap" with Jared. I'm praying that Chase doesn't come home raging on sunday afternoon as is the pattern.

Also in the morning R and K are heading home to Yuba City. I'm going to miss them. They have done so much work around the house while they were here, and gave me some alone time while they watched the kids. I understand that people think I'm strange for having such a good relationship with my exhusband's dad and bro, but they really have become part of my family in the last 5 years. They love me and they are amazing with Chase and Aimee. Since Jared has nothing to do with them, I make sure they know they can see my kids whenever they want. They are just plain good people and I am thankful to have them in my life.

Water

We had a nice day. Chase started to get upset but was able to calm himself down! I have to admit that I was surprised. We spent the afternoon playing in the water with Uncle K and Grandpa R. I'm so worn out that I have no energy to write.

Family and pics

Today we have family visiting! It's probably a very unusual situation, but my ex husbands dad and brother are visiting for a few days and I couldn't be happier! Both Jared's dad, "R" and brother "K" got here this morning. Both of them are VERY close to Chase and Aimee and will be in their lives forever. R was actually in the room when I gave birth to Aimee and he cut the umbilical cord. I've always been close with them, from the beginning. They are also very upset and disappointed with Jared and his recent choices (not to be hashed out here). So they never talk to Jared.

Anyway, they both came down from Yuba City to stay until saturday morning. They always insist on helping me with any projects I need done. So today they cleaned out my entire garage! Oh and did I mention they cooked us dinner and kept my children entertained so I could relax a bit?

Aimee taking a break from the pool

Kiddos relaxing with Uncle K

Two of Chase's best friends from school posing in front of their sculptures at Open House

Talent Show Video

nightmare

I'm awake....

I just had a nightmare. I dreamt that I was talking to my supervisor. Then she said, "We see how bad you are at this job and you should probably start looking for an easier job. You'll need it..."

WTF? All I can say is that when I woke up, I was SO happy that it was a dream.

rage

Another interesting day. Jared had the kids all day, brought Chase home with a bad sunburn on his face because they "forgot" to put it on his face.

We went to our next door neighbors house and went swimming for about 2 hours. Both kids had fun and were well behaved.

We came home to eat dinner. I had ordered pizza since we were at the neighbor's pool. For some reason, Chase decided he didn't like pizza and that he wanted something else. I told him "no." That's when all Hell broke loose....

Chase started raging. Aimee and I were alone in the house with him. This rage scared me. Aimee is so used to the rages that she knows now to go get in her bed and stay there until I say she can come out of her room.

Pizza, a plate, and a chair were thrown, then I finally got him to his room. He couldn't stop. If I got too close, he'd hurt me, so I kept my distance. I actually pulled out the video camera so I could show his doctor what his rages look like. At one point Chase grabbed the camera and almost threw it at me.

The rage lasted nearly two hours. I'm at a loss here. I'm so tired. Chase ended up in bed before 6pm because he was so tired after raging. What frusterates me the most is that behavior modification, therapy etc are not enough to treat bipolar. Medication is used in addition to the therapies. But how can he get better when no medication helps?

I'm not giving up on the meds that he's taking right now. We had one really great week. But I also have to wonder about the pattern of Chase's behavior. Reading over the blog it is clear that his worst days are the days that he comes home from seeing his dad. I have no clue what to make of this.

I had taken pictures today of the kids swimming, but my memory card got messed up or something so the pictures are gone.

Pictures and long post

Today was filled with major highs and lows...

Lows:
*Spent all morning running errands with both kids. Aimee was being wild and Chase was being whiny
*Spent a total of 3 hours driving to and from a bridal shower (while transporting two cakes that were tipping over and melting in my truck)
*Coming home after the bridal shower to a house in complete chaos.
*Chase raged for an hour in front of the babysitter (daycare teacher)

Highs:
*No school or work today
*Went to a restaraunt for breakfast and had good food and the kids were well behaved.
*Figured out how to work the GPS on my cell phone. ITS GREAT!!!
*After the chaos was calmed, we spent 3 hours in the front yard playing with friends, in sprinklers and looking for bugs.
*Finally getting the BMW out of my garage.
*Bath time and bed time went very smoothly.
*Giving my kids kisses while they sleep.

At first, Aimee did NOT want to get wet

After the 100 degree heat and much coaxing from her brother....

After playing in the sprinklers, Chase decided to ride his bike. Then changed his mind again and wanted to play catch. All of that equals a Chase wearing a very interesting outfit.

Lately a lot of people have been asking how I'm doing. My answer always has to do with the kids. Chase is having a good day, Aimee is potty training...etc. and then they correct me and say "No, I meant how are YOU doing?" Hard to answer since my lifes are so wrapped around my children and their days determine my days (most of the time.)

So, here we go for actual answer:

I'm worried, nervous, anxious, sad, lonely, happy, hopeful, cautious, and those are just a few. I am drained. When I'm not working, I am dealing with all of Chase's medical and educational issues. Oh and raising my kids on top of all that. Drained.

I'm worried about my daddy and I feel so helpless. I'm at a point in my life where things are so hectic and scary in my own home, that I feel like I haven't been there enough for my parents. I'm trying to write lists of things that I want to say to both of my parents that I don't think I ever have.

All the issues with Jared keep me on my toes. I never know if he's going to give me the child support, or if he will have the kids when he says he will.

The child support garnishment, application for Social Security Disability Insurance, and Medi-cal are all in place and now its just a waiting game.

My job is going well. I feel like I am good at it and hope that as a young mom, I can be a positive influence on my girls on the unit.

So that's about it. I think this is the longest post. Sorry.

Clip-on tie

Chase had another good day. It was the day of the talent show and he was SO excited. When getting dressed this morning, he insisted on wearing a clip-on tie with his tshirt because he wanted to look fancy. I video taped his entire performance and will be sharing it on the blog whenever I get a chance to upload it.

Chase is so happy in the picture below. This is Chase and one of his best friends, right after their performance.

heat

Chase is doing great. His mood is pretty stable, his anger is under control, and his rash is gone. He still overheats really easily but that's been pretty constant since he got on ANY meds. Last year I had to pull him out of soccer because he just got too hot too easily and was miserable.

I'm looking forward to watching Chase in the Talent Show tomorrow morning. His class is doing something with fake guitars. Don't worry, I'll be recording it.

I feel like I'm in a bit of a funk right now. The pic below was taken yesterday at one of the new parks in our neighborhood. Needless to say, Chase had fun. Aimee wouldn't go near the water because she didn't want her clothes to get "FET" (thats wet in Aimee language.)

gooooood

Chase had another great day. And after a great day at school we decided to go to the park that has the water play features. Chase had a blast running through the little waterfalls etc.

OK now an assignment for the reader
Picture Chase running around in the water, seeing a deep-ish puddle, and then running full throttle at the puddle to do the "Tom Cruise slide."

Chase didn't realize that even in a puddle, concrete doesn't feel as good as a freshly waxed hardwood floor. Ouch.

His face was much better today. Tomorrow I'm going to suggest taking him off the dose of Thorazine that he takes at night. It wasn't really helping and the rash was making him miserable.

Our IEP is on June 2nd at 2pm. The annoying doctor at County mental health said that Chase WILL get AB3632 services as soon as its written in to his IEP.

My dad isn't doing too well. He can hardly walk because he's having major issues with his feet caused by the first of chemo.

I'll post pics from the park later in the day.

mystery solved

Chase's skin is improving finally and he is much more comfortable. Mystery solved. Thorazine was the culprit. Chase doesn't seem to be having any side effects on the Abilify and his behavior has actually been better than last week. Crossing fingers....

That's it for now. Its my day off. Woooooohooooo

Short and Sweet

Long shift at work. Missed my kids. I can't wait to talk to them in the morning to see how their day was. Now I pray that I can sleep until then.

scenario

Without being specific, or veering off the topic of Chase and Aimee too much... imagine IF this scenario happened:

1. Ex husband/baby daddy meets girlfriend #??.
2. Baby daddy has unstable child meet such girlfriend.
3. Less than 24 hours later unstable child is hospitalized.
4. Baby daddy and girlfriend decide that girlfriend will babysit unstable child while baby daddy is away for the day.

Any thoughts on this scenario? Would a concerned mother have any reason to be upset?

sleep? no?

What a rough night last night. Chase woke me up every hour or so. I don't know why he couldn't sleep. Then at 5am, Aimee got in my bed and woke me up. She wouldn't let me go back to sleep. What is the deal with my kids who don't sleep?!?!?! I got a little nap this morning, but its off to work I go. Bring on the crazy girls of juvenile hall....

sleep

I'm so jealous of all you normal people who sleep.

our day in pictures

Happy Mother's Day. Not so much. Chase, Aimee and I went over to my parents house to have an afternoon meal together. It started out great! Both kids got their bathing suits on and Chase went swimming off the dock with his cousins.

Aimee with her life jacket (like the crazy hair?)

Chase with cousin Samantha (almost 18yrs old!)

Chase and Samantha swimming off the dock (both wearing life jackets of course)

Then we ate a yummy dinner and Chase started getting red on his face again. When I told him he couldn't go back outside, he lost it. He was already tired and cranky and this just put him over the edge. He started raging. My dad is sick and weak and I could tell it really bothered him to see Chase like this. As soon as Chase was done raging (or so I thought) I put him in the car in his bathing suit and we came home. Aimee stayed with Grandma and Auntie Julie.

Chase sobbed for the entire car ride home. He was mad at himself for scaring grandpa.

I gave Chase a nice cool shower and he was able to relax a bit.

Chase when we got home after he was done raging

When Grandma brought Aimee home, I immediately gave her a bath. By the time she was out of the bath I found Chase passed out in my bed.

Chase is always exhausted after raging.

Rage + swimming = falling asleep at 630pm

I am thankful for all the text messages I got wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. And I got nice flowers from my big brother and his wife. Besides that..... well I sure wouldn't want to repeat a day like this... ever.

Mom

Chase started on the Abilify. I wish he wasn't with his dad this weekend.... for anyone who knows me, knows i'm a control freak and really want to make sure that he doesn't have any bad reactions. Even little side effects that Jared won't notice. Argh. Jared kept him out of the sun today and seems to be doing ok so far.

My day at work wasn't nearly as awful as I expected it to be. I mean who doesn't love watching 21 criminals doing a TaeBo workout video?!?!?!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I can't help but be sad that I won't wake up to my crazy kiddos giving me cards. Even if the kids were home, I'd have to work so I guess its good that they get to spend the day with Grandma Trudy. They will entertain her I'm sure!

I've also been thinking a lot about my own mother. When I was growing up I thought she was snobby, mean and insensitive. Ten years later I can look back and see how lucky I am. My mom is beautiful, intelligent, silly, dorky, loving, patient, devoted and compassionate. My mom wears fuzzy socks with flip-flops, spoils my children, drives like an idiot and has the softest skin. I pray that I can become half the woman that my mother is.

Side Effects

Auntie Julie waited with Chase for the bus while I was on my home from work. He had a rage right before the bus came and was hardly able to calm down.

Chase's rash/hives/burn was even worse after school today. He wore his UV protectant shirt but took it off and put on a tshirt saying he was too hot. As soon as we got home, he got in a nice cool shower and stayed there for quite a while. I could see his relief. We spent the evening inside working puzzles, watching movies and relaxing. I could tell that Chase had no desire to go outside to play.

I called the doc again and explained the severity of this side effect. Dr. K is going to take him off of the Thorazine (probably the cause) and put him on Abilify. Tonight he got his first dose of Abilify and we will taper off of the Thorazine over the next week. I pray that this doesn't send Chase into a downward spiral but its a risk we have to take. Based on the daily rages, I'm not convinced that those meds were helping much anyway.

Tomorrow I work from 7am-3pm. The group of kids on my unit should make for a very interesting weekend. At least half of the kids have been in and out jail for years and really like to cause conflicts and drama.

Time to rest up for a busy day tomorrow. I need to get up extra early to get the kids ready for their weekend with Jared.

Thursdays

Thursdays are always weird days. They are both good and bad. I am home during the day and then go to my parents house to sleep from 6-9pm while a babysitter watches the kids until my sister in law comes to spend the night. I work overnight then. It throws my entire system out of whack.

This morning was rough, but it had nothing to do with Chase. Aimee was just plain cranky and cried about EVERYTHING. Both Chase and I were getting frusterated. I'm praying Chase had a good day today. I have UV protectant shirts for Chase, and am ordering a hat with a wide brim. I also sent him to school with two Ice Paks.

Thats it for now. Gotta go turn in the Medical paperwork.

hives

I can't sleep. Chase's new meds that he's been on since the last hospitalization have him really uncomfortable. Any time he is exposed to the sun his face and exposed body parts almost turn into hives. The hives feel hot and itch. I feel awful for my boy but the meds seem to be working besides this crappy side effect.

So here is my plan (and Chase is totally on board with this):

• Buy Chase a big hat, maybe a cowboy hat. The kind with a brim around the entire edges.
• Keep Chase in the shade as much as possible
• Make sure he drinks as much water as he can
• Cover any exposed body parts when in the sun

Gosh those sound like life adjustments almost. According to the doc, the side effect isn't usually this severe but since Chase has such sensitive skin, it makes sense.

He is tired of feeling itchy and hot.

That's about it. Time for bed.

phew

Wow. The last few hours were horrible. Chase just lost it. I had to call in reinforcements.... he's in bed now and sleeping.

I am writing another entry in my little life journal, if you want to read it, just give me your email address. I don't want certain ex's family members reading it....

100th post

Hard to believe that I've written so much already.

Chase had a VERY bipolar day. One minute happy and smiling and the next minute screaming and crying. Exhausting to keep up with his wild moods.


At 1pm we went to the county mental health office to meet with the same AB3632 lady that talks to me like I'm 5. She was able to finish her evaluation in her office and will be observing him in his classroom sometime next week. Chase seems to like her, which is all that really matters since it turns out that she will be his therapist once a week provided by the county.

The frusterating piece of this puzzle is that the IEP won't be done until the first week of June and the AB3632 services aren't put in place until then. She also told me that she was wrong when she said we would have the Mobile Response Team (MRT) as of today. That's another service that isn't available until after the IEP. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait.

We came home, went for a long walk and are now relaxing in the front yard in this strange weather.

me? crazy?

Today has been quite a rollercoaster (similar to our lives, huh?).

This morning Chase seemed angry. He was irritable, rude, short tempered and just plain cranky. I was worried about sending him to school but as everyone says, the more behaviors they see, the more services they will be willing to provide.

At exactly 2pm, I called Chase's school to see how his day went. Ms. Kathi said that he had a lot of mood lability (sp?) and that he did have to go to the support room twice. BUT she also said that he was able to sit at his desk and do some work. That's a big deal for Chase lately.

He was at daycare for a little while and the same story there. My mom picked the kids up and had a good evening with them.

On a side note, Aimee is just now sleeping in her "big girl bed" and has decided that bedtime is negotiable.....argh...

Besides the typical teenage criminal whining about wanting to call her mommy, work was fine. I got to show off my lecturing skills. Who knew I could lecture for 40 minutes about manners, disrespect and the importance of following directions?

Tomorrow (or is it today?) is Chase's big evaluation for AB3632. I'm not sure what to expect. The lady said it could take up to two hours. I think its hilarious that she thinks that Chase would stay in one room with a boring old lady for two hours.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm slowly going crazy....

My boy

I had a long day at work, got my kiddos back from their daddy and then spent the rest of the afternoon relaxing with them. We went on a long walk, played out front, caught some bugs and then came inside to make dinner. An entire 3 hours of peaceful playing. I hate to sound jaded but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If you met Chase today, you would see an appropriate, animated, kind six year old. I'm so proud of my boy. Hard to imagine this is the same child from the last 4 months.

good and bad

As always, I'm scared to get my hopes up. BUT Chase is really doing well so far. Surprising because the med combo he is on is so unusual. I have no clue what the future or even the next few days has in store for Chase, but for today he is happy and proud.

Oh and just so you all know, my cell phone completely spazzed out. It has a short circuit or something from the way its acting. So its off and hopefully I can get another one tomorrow after work. I feel naked and unconnected without my phone. Crap.

sunglasses

We had a lot of fun yesterday afternoon. Both kids made use of their sunglasses although Aimee didn't seem to understand that they are to use IN the sun and not in the house.

Chase is having a great day. Thank goodness for my amazing kiddos. They are my little heroes.