Blessed

I stayed home today. A lot was going on so I just wanted to keep a close eye on Chase.

Rick (papa) came to pick up Kevin. Of course a visit from papa wouldn't be complete without a houseful of obnoxious dogs. Picture this: Car pulls up, car door opens and 3 giant INBRED puff balls with legs come flying out and ready to tear up my furniture and traumatize my cat. Thankfully the "dogs" didn't leave any permanent marks on my carpet this time and the visit was short but sweet. My dog Sara breathed a sigh of relief when the puff balls jumped back into the car.

MRT came out for our appointment that I had set up yesterday. Leslie from MRT just checked in with us and really got me thinking about Chase's school placement. Maybe I'm in denial that Chase can function his current school. It might be time to step into a real Day Treatment program. My main concern was that Chase wouldn't learn as much academically at a day treatment. But as Leslie pointed out, he isn't learning much at this point anyway because he's in such a constant state of distress when he's at his current school. Something to think about.....

And then two things happened that remind me that God is so present in our lives and to take time out to thank Him.

1. I was enjoying a nice afternoon in the front yard watching my children play when a man came walking past the house with his two little dogs. I've seen this man before in passing and we always chit chat about the dogs. But today he was walking with a little boy. Chase stopped the little boy (we will call the little boy "N") so he could admire his fancy razor scooter. The boys were quick friends and started bugging the dad and I to let them play. The dad and I exchanged names and phone numbers. I told the dad that I would walk "N" home when they were done playing. The dad then hesitated and said, "I am excited about the boys playing together but you should know that "N" has special needs and is labeled as emotionally disturbed." I could tell he was just giving me a heads-up and not expecting anything in return so I shocked myself when I grabbed the man's hand and shook it. I said, "Let me introduce myself again, I'm Kristen, mom to a child with special needs and diagnosed as bipolar." He probably thought I was a nut but all of the sudden I just felt like God had moved this new family onto our street for us to meet. The evening was fun and the boys were GREAT friends by the time I walked "N" home. We even planned to get together for a BBQ or something so we could share experiences with each other and talk about parenting our special boys.

2. Not long after going inside to start dinner, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw one of my closest friends was calling me. Shannon had met a lady that has a child that is struggling with some sort of mental illness and thought I could be helpful or even just someone who could actually understand. It makes me proud to know that Shannon thought I could be a support for this woman I have never met. When we are struggling and alone, God finds a way to bring the people we need into our lives.

Today was a good day. I feel so blessed.

On edge...

Chase is on edge. We are on edge. He is easily irritated, quickly angered and just plain mean. I called Mobile Response Team (MRT) and due to budget cuts, there is not enough staff to come out to the house unless we are currently in a crisis. Ironically if we WERE in crisis, the team would be responding from so far away that they couldn't help anyway.

I am thankful that Chase is not being violent and is not a danger to himself or others at this point. My mom is available to take Aimee if things escalate. If things don't settle down, this may be another FMLA weekend. Just what we need...more unpaid time off so we can dig our hole even deeper.

As far as SSI and SSDI is concerned, I've applied. We don't qualify due to my income. I've thought about fighting it but can't find anyone to help me fight it without requiring a huge retainer. We applied for Medi-Cal again for Chase. I want to make sure that I have things in place for when the state cuts off funding through the school district for mental health services. I know from past experience that my "share of cost" would be about $3000/month. Probably not worth it but I may as well keep our "benefits" active just in case.

That's all for today, time to start cooking dinner.

jumbled updates

Tons of random recent facts/updates in my jumbled up head

• More tweaking of Chase's meds have him aggitated and his sleep cycle is all over the place
• My mom is in China and won't be back for another week. I miss her like crazy.
• REAL pumpkin patches all close at 5pm. Aimee was VERY disappointed
• I sometimes wonder if I missed my calling as a housekeeper...or maybe the bleach from the bathroom floor is just making me loopy
• Pets are fantastic. Until they piss all over your sons room and you can't seem to get the smell out despite your best efforts.
• Little brothers are like pets. But they don't piss on the floor when they are mad. They just boycott household chores and leave their dirty socks all over the house to "make a statement".
• Mobile Response Team (MRT) is spread too thin in the bay area. Sometimes they can't respond at all which leaves families like ours with few other options. Scary
• Chase is really picking up on his reading skills all of the sudden. Woohoo!
• There is this guy....

rebound

After an amazing few months (April-Aug) it is clear that our long wave of stability is coming to an end for now. Chase is irritable, angry, short tempered and irrational. MRT (mobile response team) has been at my house almost every day. No full blown rages yet, but this feels all too familiar. Please pray that this cycle is gentle for Chase.

5150 again

Chase is back in the hospital. Let me back up so you can understand this nightmare-ish week.

• Saturday - Chase raged/ran away
  
• Sunday - ok
  
• Monday - Good day but raged at night (window involved)
  
• Tuesday - Raged ALL morning. Calmed down, got on bus but was kicked off the bus nearly immediately. More violence. Hallucinations. MRT responded.
  
• Wednesday - Great morning. Great bus ride. Suspended from school by 9am. More hallucinations. Severe cycles plus psychosis. MRT responded.
  
• Thursday - Mania for 3 hours and then deep depression and sleep for 3 hours. Psychiatrist appointment. Two options. Hospitalization or Haldol (MAJOR antipsychotic med). Got Haldol. Still hallucinating but cycling slowed. Hallucinations/Night terrors
  
• Friday - Very confused and spacey. Lapses in memory. Strange behaviors. MRT responded. Climbed over 2nd story landing and started to jump. He stopped when he saw me. Was unaware that he was even near the landing (while leaning over it.) To the hospital. 5150'd and transported to the same hospital as before.

So thats a little summary. Chase is in the same hospital that he has been in 3 times before. We don't really have a game plan yet but will get started on medication adjustments tomorrow morning when his regular doctor gets there. He is doing ok. He feels better being there and knows he needs more help than he can get at home. Visits have been great yesterday and today. Very focused and good attention span.

Please pray for Chase.

I'm sleepy and going to cuddle with Aimee and then crawl into my bed. Good night.

bad day

So tired that I can't even type. Last night MRT came to the house. Chase raged and had to be contained by the MRT worker. Then things calmed down.

This morning things got way worse. We were about to take him to the hospital. We got MRT out to the house again and were able to diffuse Chase's rages one moment at a time. Chase is sleeping in his own bed tonight and I am so thankful.

Praying that tomorrow is better than today.

Longer update plus pictures!

Got my laptop out tonight to write a real update for the week. Typing on my ipod thing is a lot harder than it should be.

More basketball games/practices. (thanks so much meredith) Chase loves it and when he's in the mood, he is focused and happy. Today he was a little "zombie-like" during the game though.

Chase has been included in tons of football games on our street with mostly middle school kids. He gets roughed up pretty good but is getting the hang of it and feels "cool" that the older kids let him play.

My friend that I have been praying for and worried about, is officially on her 4th day of sobriety. I'm so proud to say that. Even though I don't know about her struggles from personal experience, I hope to be there for her.

Here's a doozy for you.... Chase got mad while wrestling with another kid in the street. I told Chase to stop wrestling and he looked at me, said some cuss words and took off down the street. Once I caught up to him, I had to literally carry him home and then put him in a basket hold until he calmed down. Called MRT and they came out to talk us through the rest of the evening.

My boyfriend and I are trying to make all of this work. To inter-twine our hectic lives. I know he loves me and loves my kids. But there's more to it than just that. Thats a story for another day.

Goodnight.

boyfriend, MRT and Thankful

First thing I want to say. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I feel supported, loved, and most importantly, I feel like my children have people in their lives that KNOW them and will always be there for them. I have the peace of knowing that if something were to happen to me, my children would be taken care of and loved by our whole little "village."

Today was a pretty good day. I took an FMLA day today. Chase is on edge. Even the neighbors are commenting on Chase's fragility right now.

I had MRT come out again this afternoon. Not a crisis situation, but more of a proactive action. Lindsey from MRT talked to me for a bit and then spent a lot of time with Chase. I was able to cook a real dinner. That's a big deal in my house. Sometimes things are so rough that I don't bother, and we microwave stuff.

But today was good. And my boyfriend came over and I expressed my main concerns about our relationship. They all center around Chase, and his son who is the same age and neurotypical. I'm jealous. I want Chase to have a normal childhood. I am afraid I will start resenting my boyfriend. I don't want that. This man loves me and refuses to consider my children as "baggage." He adores them both and wants to learn more and more about bipolar and mental illness. Chase's dad didn't even take that much time on his own son.

I don't have much else to say. Chase goes back to school tomorrow. I'm praying that things will stabilize once his routine is back in place.

school emergencies

Today's events regarding Mr. Chase:

12:00pm - Call from Chase's psychologist from AB3632. She is worried about Chase. Constant meltdowns and mood swings. Major anxiety problems possibly stemming from his relationship with his dad.

3:30pm - Missed call from Chase's school office

5:00pm - 2 missed calls from Chase's classroom (odd since school ends at 2pm)

5:30pm - Spoke with Ms. Sally, Chase's teacher. Chase spent all day in the support room. Horrible rages, irritability, vulgar, aggressive etc. Ms. Sally is very concerned. Scheduled an emergency meeting for Jared, Chase, psychologist and MRT at 8:30am tomorrow (Wednesday)

5:45pm - Spoke with nanny and Chase. Chase still irritable and sad. Called MRT (from work) to go to the house to help support Chase. They ended up talking to Chase on the phone for a long time. Seemed to help.

11:50pm - I came home and sat with my sleeping little man. So peaceful. So sweet. So sad.

Nervous about the meeting in the morning. Not sure why. Also not sure why I'm writing in sentence fragments.

the why

I'm not sure where this post will end up. My mind seems like an endless string of thoughts stuck together with bubble gum.

I feel like although my life is feeling somewhat stable, I am starting to spiral downward. I'm constantly tired, fighting back tears and irritated with everybody. I have been dubbed "the avoiderer" and the nickname fits. I don't feel like talking on the phone to anyone really. Even my daily phone call to my mom has become a chore. If I had it my way, I'd stay home all day, every day.

I already see the comments now.... "Maybe you should see a doc" and "You need to take care of yourself first in order to be able to take care of your children." I know. I know. I do see a doc and will probably go more often for a while. My confusion is over the 'WHY'.

Here are some updates:

My son has been home from the hospital for nearly 8 weeks now. Thats the longest amount of time since his first hospitalization. And we have only called MRT like 3 times since July.

Chase got 100% on his first spelling test today!

My daughter is finally potty trained (during the day)

I'm getting Child Support garnishments from the state (his unemployment. less that half what i'm supposed to get but its SOMETHING finally)

My job description is evolving as we speak. The location and hours will be the same, but my shift will look different. Not even sure what that means yet.

My dad's "illness is progressing." Thats what the hospice nurse says. Progressing. Not the word I would use for the impending death of my father. The one man in my life who loves me unconditionally.

Ok that last one is a biggie. I haven't talked about that lately. Maybe that's the why.

running on nothing

Just wanted to type this up real quick. I'm running on NO sleep so don't expect a long one.

Chase is doing ok when with me for the last few days, but NOT well at school or with the Nanny. The nanny had to call MRT and even called me at work (which she usually doesn't do.)

So far this morning he has done all of his homework and practiced his spelling words. I pray his good day continues.

And Aimee's sleep issues are really wearing me down. Really.

rivalry

The sibling rivalry between Chase and Aimee seems to have gotten out of control. They went from yelling at each other, to doing violent and mean things to each other. All I do is referee and try to keep them away from each other.

One on one, they are both fantastic. But Chase got so upset with Aimee today that he called MRT who came out and talked with him.

I'm not seeing many bipolar symptoms, or any real signs of mental illness this week. No clue what to contribute that to.

I have to be at work in 5 hours so I guess I should get off the computer and go to sleep.

here i go

I finally have a minute to sit and "reflect" on the last few days. I want to puke. Is that a bad sign?

So wednesday night I think I posted that Chase raged. Nothing horrible.

Thursday morning Chase raged. Aimee and I were both victims of his anger. MRT responded to the house. Jared even came over to "save the day." Things calmed down. MRT left. Jared left (for his busy life with NO JOB.)

Later, I brought the kids over to the Nanny's house so I could get some rest before my graveyard shift. Less than an hour later, the nanny calls. Chase is raging and busted her in the face with his own head. She's bleeding.

On my way to get Chase, I called MRT. Chase was winding down when I got there but started up again soon after we got home. Aimee stayed with the nanny.

Jared came and picked up Chase just in time for me to get to work. (Did I mention he has no JOB?!?!)

I went to work with NO sleep. One of the longest shifts of my life. Got off work and before I could even get home, he calls and is ready to drop Chase off. So I couldn't sleep after work either. But again, HE HAS NO JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very confused as to what he is so darned busy with.

Either way, I hadn't slept since Wednesday night.

Finally on friday night I have the opportunity to sleep. But as luck would have it, Aimee is sick and has the cold from hell. Low fever but a bad cough that is keeping her up ALL night long. She stayed in my bed and neither of us slept. No rages from Chase though.

Saturday morning (this morning) I am a mess at work. I look like hell, feel like hell and probably smell like a$$ since I couldn't even shower.

BUT guess where I am right now?!?!?!? MY BED! So as much as I say I don't sleep, me and my Ambien CR are going to give it a shot.

Aimee

I'm not sure what I feel like writing tonight. I'm tired from work, but more drained from the hours before work. It seems like Aimee is having a hard time. Constant whining, crying, demanding and screaming. This is NOT like her.

There is nothing physically wrong. No new teeth, ear infection or growing pains. She's just not happy. I'm wondering if it has to do with Chase being home. But he's been such a good big brother since he came home. He puts up with a lot of crap, teasing, poking etc from Aimee.

Chase was so upset with Aimee this morning that he called MRT and they were able to calm him down a bit.

She CAN be calm and sweet and the normal Aimee personality. I see it at preschool when I pick her up.

Now don't think that Aimee doesn't have consequences for all the drama, but she just screams and then the behaviors start again when she's done. Timeouts don't work. Counting and 1-2-3 magic doesn't work. Taking away toys/priviledges doesn't work. Ignoring just makes things MUCH louder.

Yikes, just thinking about it gives me a headache. Sleeping is better than a headache. Goodnight.

home

I picked Chase up from the hospital at 3pm. Aimee came home at 5pm. MRT came over at 6pm.

Its after 8:30pm now, and both kids are asleep. Well Chase is asleep and Aimee is being fairly quiet in her room.

Besides MY anxiety attack this evening, so far so good.

Chase is a ticking time bomb. I pray that I'm wrong.

Day of CRAP

Today was shitty. The only highlight of the day was watching Aimee shake her booty while she was brushing her teeth.

1. Played with Aimee until she went to preschool.
2. Had a meeting with the wraparound guy and the kaiser case manager. No one wants to pay for residential. They think that with the right amounts of behavior modification, they can mold chase into an angel. HA! They also said I should put plywood all over the walls and window of Chases room, put a lot on the outside and make it a quiet room. CPS would love to call THAT abuse! Won't dare to do it.
4. Mini breakdown...
5. TRIED to take a nap. Haven't been sleeping good at night (obviously, since its 4am.)
6. Went to see my dad. Gave him a spongebath
7. Visited Chase. Another kid was raging so there was no one to talk to about Chase.
8. On the way out, the head nurse asked me "Is Chase the same at home as he is here? The rages?" and I said yes. Then she said "How do you do ANYTHING when he's home with you? I've never seen a kid with such a severe case" Gee...there went my sunshine.

Ok I think thats it for tonight.

angels and rages

Rage after rage after rage. I will post pictures of Chase's room. MRT came out again today. MRT brought Chase to the emergency room where we 5150'd him. Again. He is so sick. He needs so much help.

The on-call psychiatrist, Dr. James, was amazing. She made me feel like a person. a mom. a strong woman. She kept asking about my support system and any support from Chase's dad. I broke down crying about Chase's crappy relationship with his dad. Then Jared showed up. She kept pulling me out of the room to make sure I was ok etc.

Today I had many angels.

• Dr. James was one of my angels.
• Tamara (neighbor) was another angel. She made rushed over to help with Chase and then took Aimee.
• Nanny Ann put up with so much by just doing me a favor by watching the kids so i could go sit with my dad.
• MRT workers Lindsay and Mike helped me feel better about everything.
• My daddy made me feel really important today. He talks to me. Only me. With everyone else, he just talks nonsense.
• My mom loves Chase so much and will support us in whatever hard decisions we need to make. Her hugs just make me melt.
• Julie helped me with the kids in the morning so I could get a little sleep. Then she played "therapist" when I was freaking out on the phone.
• Kristie just plain listens to me. Sometimes that's all I need. Just to get it out.
• Chase gave me a hug and waved as he was taken to the ambulance in the gurney. What a heroic little man.
• Meredith provides me with all the entertainment I need to put a smile on my face. Psycho!

Every single day, I have angels in my life. Sometimes I'm so used to having such amazing support that I forget to sit back and be thankful. God sure must be worried about me to send me so many angels!

sarcasm

Since Monday, things have been pretty uneventful. That's just the way I like them! Another lady from MRT came by last night (an appointment, not an emergency). Yet another MRT person that Chase likes and I feel comfortable with. I wanna meet the person who does the hiring! They should come work at my job!

Chase has been Mr. ADHD the past few days, but I'd trade that for constant bipolar cycling ANY day. He's like a little energizer bunny. Hyper but pretty even tempered.

My poor guy got off the bus today covered in blood from his nose. I never knew a kid could bleed that much! The bus driver said he was picking his nose and it started bleeding before they even got on the freeway. Chase picking his nose.....shocking....

Tonight I'm back to work. Yay. And yes, I'm being sarcastic today.

24 hours

Sunday 3pm. Chase came home from the hospital.
Sunday 4pm. We went swimming next door.
Sunday 6pm. When coming home, Chase started raging. Bit my arm up. Jared came over and (GASP!) helped me calm Chase down.
Sunday 9pm. Chase went to bed.
Monday 8am. Chase started raging again. Called Jared. Called MRT.
Monday 10am. Lindsay from MRT came, helped with Chase.
Monday 1pm. Lindsay left, Chase started raging again...I got beat up pretty bad.
Monday 2pm. Called Jared. He couldn't come. Called MRT, they were on their way. MRT called 9-1-1.
Monday 3pm. Cops left, Lindsay stayed with us.

Long 24 hours....I can't believe this is happening. So soon.

Aimee is THREE!

I swear I'll have pictures to post soon. Today (June 15) is Aimee's third birthday. We had a BUSY day.

This morning we went and officially signed Aimee up for her new preschool program and she got to see her classroom.

We went to the City Park after visiting Meredith at work. Aimee even said "bye" to her! The kids had a blast at the park.

We went to Chuck E Cheese. One of the games malfunctioned and started spitting out ALL of the tickets. The worker lady told Chase he could keep them! He ended up having over 1000 tickets. What did he get for that? A stupid 10" tall stuffed animal that looks like it was made in a straw shed. Aimee fell in love with a little Bob the Builder ride. I swear she rode it maybe 10 times!

We went over to see my daddy. He seems to spend 99% of the time hallucinating or sleeping, but when the kids come around, he opens his eyes and talks and makes sense. My mom took the kids outside so I could spend some alone time with him. I am so thankful for this time. I am so thankful that Meredith forced me to say things to my dad that needed to be said. When he passes, he will have no doubt that I love him and am so thankful that he's my daddy.

On the way home, I cried. As always. Then Aimee took a nap, Mel came over to babysit and I went to work. Chase started raging at bedtime. Thank goodness for MRT (again!).

Work sucked. Now I'm in bed. Tomorrow won't be so busy but I go to work early for a stupid training. Oh well....easy overtime. Oh and I haven't cried since noon! its been almost 12 hours! its a miracle!