boyfriend, MRT and Thankful

First thing I want to say. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I feel supported, loved, and most importantly, I feel like my children have people in their lives that KNOW them and will always be there for them. I have the peace of knowing that if something were to happen to me, my children would be taken care of and loved by our whole little "village."

Today was a pretty good day. I took an FMLA day today. Chase is on edge. Even the neighbors are commenting on Chase's fragility right now.

I had MRT come out again this afternoon. Not a crisis situation, but more of a proactive action. Lindsey from MRT talked to me for a bit and then spent a lot of time with Chase. I was able to cook a real dinner. That's a big deal in my house. Sometimes things are so rough that I don't bother, and we microwave stuff.

But today was good. And my boyfriend came over and I expressed my main concerns about our relationship. They all center around Chase, and his son who is the same age and neurotypical. I'm jealous. I want Chase to have a normal childhood. I am afraid I will start resenting my boyfriend. I don't want that. This man loves me and refuses to consider my children as "baggage." He adores them both and wants to learn more and more about bipolar and mental illness. Chase's dad didn't even take that much time on his own son.

I don't have much else to say. Chase goes back to school tomorrow. I'm praying that things will stabilize once his routine is back in place.

Clarify...

Just to clarify -

Chase has spent 105 days in the psych hospital in 2009. I am aware of the good and bad sides. I would NEVER put him there again if I wasn't afraid that someone (himself, Aimee or I) will be hurt. If I am not proactive here... well I'm scared to think of it. I can't have the cops taking my son away. Talk about traumatic...

The reason I pulled our family out of the 20/20 story was because I felt like they were exploiting Chase and sensationalizing the illness. The producer left the 20/20 story also and is determined to make a story that will be different from others. I have full confidence in her and would never do anything to make my sons struggle even worse. If no one makes the RIGHT story about this illness, how will people even begin to understand?!?!

I'm not trying to be argumentative. We have to do everything in our power to protect our babies. I appreciate all support and suggestions. But I am well educated and work in the juvenile justice system with bipolar teens everyday and am determined to see Chase succeed.

breakdown

We made it through Thanksgiving. No hospital. No police.

I had a little breakdown tonight, but thanks to family, friends and MRT, I survived.

hospital?

Chase is not doing well. Today (wednesday) was a nightmare. Chase started raging in the middle of the street with Kevin. I was able to get him home and on our way up the stairs, he shoved me and I fell down 1/2 a flight of stairs. At this point, I feel like hospitalization might be necessary. I was lucky I wasn't hurt more than I was and it could have easily been Aimee. Someone will be getting hurt. I'm scared. I am going to try to make it through Thanksgiving.

AWOL

I'm AWOL for a few days. Working too much when I can. And right now I can since Kevin is helping me with the kids. Chase is still having a hard time. My poor baby. At least Thanksgiving will distract him. And maybe remind us all that we have so much to be thankful for.

Monsters and Eggshells

More lists from crazy list girl....

• Aimee is so clingy right now that I can't even pee without her coming in the bathroom with me!
• On the up side, Aimee is now called "Baby Monster" and I am "Mommy Monster"
• Chase is very edgy right now. We are seriously walking on eggshells here.
• I'm not looking forward to next week. School breaks and any change in routine can really screw with Chase's mood and cycles. At least the weather will be nice. Lots of outside time.
• Kevin and I cooked dinner for the kids and Rick. Not too shabby!
• I'm looking forward to seeing my niece on Thanksgiving. She's off at college in So Cal and I miss her!
• I'm avoiding my own mother. She's the one person that will always see through my smile. To my innermost thoughts/fears/obsessions. Am I protecting her? Or myself?

I work tomorrow. Is it wrong that I'm VERY ready to go to work? To escape from my own home?

Scissors

Chase stole scissors from the classroom today and took them on the bus. Another kid pissed him off and he put the scissors to the kids throat and threatened to kill him. That's all I have to say right now.

More CPS + other stuff

CPS went to Chase's school to interview him. He talked to her a little bit but then shut down. Later, the school psychologist was able to join the interview and helped him open up. I'm still in the dark about any details, nor would I share them in here.

The latest info I have is that we can expect to have ALL visitation with Jared suspended probably until the Jan 1 or so. I'm glad that my kids will not have to be somewhere that they dont want to be. But I'm stressing because I work weekends and he usually had the kids while I worked. Ugh

On the up side, Chase and Aimee are thrilled not to be spending the weekend/holidays with their dad for a while. Sad.

We had a "Neighbor Dinner" tonight. We did the cooking at my house and then ate at Tamara's house next door. When my kids got tired we just went home. It reminds me of a dream I used to have with my best friends Lindy and Lindsay when we were kids. Buy houses right next to each other and have the kids roaming between the two houses. A real sense of community and family. And I have it all. Plus Jim next door who is helpful when I need odds and ends done around here. And he's a great cook.

Today I got an email from Sarah who is producing the independent film that Chase is involved in. Discovery Channel saw the trailer and picked it up! They will be here to film starting Nov. 30. The show will air during the first week of may for Mental Health Awareness Week.

I am so thankful for today.

CPS visit

Sometimes I think I write in lists so I have an excuse not to write complete sentences. Here are some random fragmented thoughts from today:

1. Last night Aimee didn't sleep. 11pm-3am wide awake, loud, crying, yelling, talking and not letting Chase sleep. (In other words, I'm exhausted today)

2. Kevin and Rick left this morning. They left 2 of the puppies here to keep me entertained. Boo and Cocoa. Stupid rat dogs that I love to cuddle with....

3. CPS came to the house today to discuss the allegations against Jared. Jared CANNOT have visitations until the investigation is over. Wow. I'm a little shocked but not surprised. Oh and now what do I do on the weekends while I need to work?!?!

Between my constant headaches and sleep deprivation, I'm going to bed while trying not to cry. Overwhelmed.

sad

Chase was miserable this morning. Angry and irritable and teary-eyed. He really didn't want to go to his dads. But until CPS or the court do anything, I can't deny him his weekends with them. No matter how worried I get or how sad Chase is.

pics, good day and FAQ's

Aimee loves her guinea pig "Flower." He has gotten SO big! Chase on one of many trips to the library.

Chase had his best day ever at school so far this YEAR!!!!! Mama couldn't be any prouder! He jumped off the bus smiling and skipping up to me. So for a treat, I let him pick dinner. I'd cook whatever he wanted or we could go to dinner somewhere that he likes. My little stinker picks McDonald's. Its all about the chocolate shakes, ya know? Oh and the bus driver found Chase's Nintendo DS. Thank Goodness!

_________________________________________

The link below has a great list of FAQ's for juvenile
bipolar. Check it out and feel free to make a donation so they
can do more research studies on kids like Chase.

http://www.bpchildresearch.org/juv_bipolar/faq.html

zoned out

Chase was pretty out of it all day. Depressed/tired/zoned out. I believe it had something to do with his talks with the therapist yesterday regarding Jared.

I'm going to bed early. It will probably be a night of tossing and turning for me.

CPS report

1. Chase's therapist filed a CPS report on Jared. I don't know the exact contents, but it has to do with physical abuse. I'm so upset that it has come to this. Chase has enough to deal with, without being abused or watching his sister be abused. I pray it is all just an exaggeration but I doubt it.

2. Kevin is back. (Kevin is the 22yr old "brother" that is amazing with Chase.) I'm starting to think of him as the "Chase Whisperer." Chase looks up to him so much. Its great to have Kevin around so I can get a little break here and there.

3. My boyfriend met my parents. My parents like him but are concerned that he was quiet. He is pretty shy at first and was REALLY nervous to make a good impression on my dad. Now I hope that he really did like them.

I am so thankful for my friends and family. That seems to be a constant theme in our lives this year. It takes a village....

anorexia

Somehow I survived my "day off."

Chase had a rough day. His language is awful. Lots of cussing and mean things said under his breath. I hate that because despite his mental illness, I have always counted on the fact that he has such a good heart. Now it seems like he's becoming jaded and negative. I want my sweetie back.

This evening was great considering how hard his day was. We sat at the dinner table and talked about superheroes. Then Aimee and Chase made a "clubhouse" in the playroom. Then we made banana bread and watched "Spy Kids." No meltdowns. No arguements. But we didn't even attempt the homework. Bad mom award for me.

I've gained a lot of weight. Like 20lbs since August. For anyone that knows me (and everyone else after this), gaining weight is harder on me than most people. I have a 15 year history of anorexia, so gaining weight for no reason is a HUGE trigger for old habits. So far I am staying strong but so many of my thoughts are starting to revolve around food/weight/control. I know you all will say "see a therapist. avoid relapse. seek help." And I will. When I have time. Until then I will just control my behaviors and try to distract myself from the thoughts. At least I have two "all consuming" kids to distract me.

NON day off

Chase had an ok day today. I had a rough day at work. I'm hoping tomorrow is better for the both of us. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the constant therapies, sessions, doctors and groups.

Wednesday (My ONE day off):
6:45am Chase bus
8am Aimees Preschool
9-11am Wraparound Meeting (I am going to shorten it to 10am if he lets me)
11am Take Howie out to go potty at Mere's house
1pm Going to the IEP for Tamara's son, A.
3:30pm Chase's bus
4pm Pick up Aimee

Guess with all of this, its time for me to go to sleep.

Life is strange

Life is strange.

Its amazing how our standards and expectations change with time and circumstance.

Chase had a good day today. Easily distracted and frusterated at school and home, but no rages or violence. It was interesting how he got upset while playing outside this evening and started kicking and punching a box. In most cases, the box would have been replaced by a person or wall. Now if Aimee started kicking and punching boxes, I'd be concerned. With Chase, I was ready to clap for him.

Life is strange.