Life is good

What a great month this has turned out to be! And its not even over yet. I'll highlight the ups and downs for you.

Crummy parts

-Aimee has seasonal allergies that are definetly considered severe. Without treatment, they turned into a nasty sinus/ear infection. She is slowly recovering and clearly feels better.
-I keep gaining weight and am starting to worry. I don't eat differently and have even cut out soda. I'm much better at portion control than at any other point in my life. I'm on my feet for most of every day until my kids go to sleep. It doesn't make sense.
-Chase's school is considering keeping him in 3rd grade for another year so he can improve his reading skills. I agree with the school and think that putting him in 4th grade next year would really be setting him up for failure, but I also don't want to destroy his self esteem by holding him back.
-Aimee will likely need glasses because she has an astigmatism in both eyes already. They will recheck her before kindergarten.

Happy parts

-Chase's uncle Kevin and I met with Chase's therapist today. The therapist feels that working with the family will help make the most of his treatment. I totally agree and am so thankful that Kevin is willing to go along with it.
-Chase is doing his homework with less of a struggle lately. It creates a much smoother afternoon for everyone.
-Temporarily I will work a swing shift on thursdays instead of a graveyard. Maybe that will help with my insomnia.
-I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last saturday. Why is this a happy thing?? Because after we talked about it and worked it out, he took it upon himself to have a long talk with Chase "Man to Man." He was teaching Chase that adults can have arguments and still love each other. Chase and I both learned a lesson that day. My boyfriend is in it for the long haul.
-I am on my way to becoming a certified ART (Aggression Replacement Training) facilitator. Its a great program that I will teach to the kids at work but also use some of the skills to work with Chase.
-Baby Erika will be born in two months and I feel so blessed that I get to be there when she is born. Baby shower #1 is this weekend and then Baby shower #2 (that i'm hosting) is in June. Meredith and Dave are going to be awesome parents and have an awesome auntie waiting to help out. (that would be ME by the way!)
-Chase has really found motivation, purpose and strength in the word of God. Church is becoming a safe and peaceful place for him. He wants to attend EVERY event there.

Thats enough for the updates. I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face. Life is good. God is Great.

Easter Pics!

I'm on my way to bed after the best Easter I can remember. A great weekend with family, friends and even the kids at juvie. The best part??? Chase had a GREAT time at Sunday School while I was able to worship the Lord during the ENTIRE service.

Bliss

What a great week this has been!

Chase and my boyfriend's son, T, doing their homework TOGETHER.

All three kiddos playing in the front yard.

Chase and T playing the Xbox Kinect This month really has me excited for our future as a family. Chase, Aimee, T, H (boyfriend) and me. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with a man that adores my children and is willing to step up to the plate. (And I happen to adore his son also!) As Chase informed me this morning, "The Lord is REALLY listening when we pray."

Blessed

I stayed home today. A lot was going on so I just wanted to keep a close eye on Chase.

Rick (papa) came to pick up Kevin. Of course a visit from papa wouldn't be complete without a houseful of obnoxious dogs. Picture this: Car pulls up, car door opens and 3 giant INBRED puff balls with legs come flying out and ready to tear up my furniture and traumatize my cat. Thankfully the "dogs" didn't leave any permanent marks on my carpet this time and the visit was short but sweet. My dog Sara breathed a sigh of relief when the puff balls jumped back into the car.

MRT came out for our appointment that I had set up yesterday. Leslie from MRT just checked in with us and really got me thinking about Chase's school placement. Maybe I'm in denial that Chase can function his current school. It might be time to step into a real Day Treatment program. My main concern was that Chase wouldn't learn as much academically at a day treatment. But as Leslie pointed out, he isn't learning much at this point anyway because he's in such a constant state of distress when he's at his current school. Something to think about.....

And then two things happened that remind me that God is so present in our lives and to take time out to thank Him.

1. I was enjoying a nice afternoon in the front yard watching my children play when a man came walking past the house with his two little dogs. I've seen this man before in passing and we always chit chat about the dogs. But today he was walking with a little boy. Chase stopped the little boy (we will call the little boy "N") so he could admire his fancy razor scooter. The boys were quick friends and started bugging the dad and I to let them play. The dad and I exchanged names and phone numbers. I told the dad that I would walk "N" home when they were done playing. The dad then hesitated and said, "I am excited about the boys playing together but you should know that "N" has special needs and is labeled as emotionally disturbed." I could tell he was just giving me a heads-up and not expecting anything in return so I shocked myself when I grabbed the man's hand and shook it. I said, "Let me introduce myself again, I'm Kristen, mom to a child with special needs and diagnosed as bipolar." He probably thought I was a nut but all of the sudden I just felt like God had moved this new family onto our street for us to meet. The evening was fun and the boys were GREAT friends by the time I walked "N" home. We even planned to get together for a BBQ or something so we could share experiences with each other and talk about parenting our special boys.

2. Not long after going inside to start dinner, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw one of my closest friends was calling me. Shannon had met a lady that has a child that is struggling with some sort of mental illness and thought I could be helpful or even just someone who could actually understand. It makes me proud to know that Shannon thought I could be a support for this woman I have never met. When we are struggling and alone, God finds a way to bring the people we need into our lives.

Today was a good day. I feel so blessed.

transitions & religion

2010 has had its ups and downs. Another year that THIS village has been able to keep Chase safely living at home. I thank each of you for your support. It truly does take a village to raise a child. Even though most of my readers haven't even met Chase, it makes a difference. I am a strong advocate for my son because I have such great people behind me that keep pushing me forward.

Yesterday we had a family session (Chase and I) with his therapist. She will be retiring in March. Chase doesn't do too well with transitions so I hope we can make it as smooth as possible. The problem is that the county is absorbing her position so they won't be replacing her when she leaves. Chase will likely just move to a different therapist but he really had bonded with Marilyn and I appreciate her committment to us as a family. Another possibility is that his new therapist will not see him at school. I will need to take him to appointments in the clinic each week. I might have to enlist help to make sure he can get there on days that I work.

I think my New Years Resolution will be to really share my faith in God with my family and to lead by example. I need to find some sort of a church home or even a women's bible study. My work schedule is awful for attending a church on sunday mornings. There must be alternatives. I read the bible, pray and listen to christian music. But I really desire to talk about faith and learn more so I can share that with my children. There is something so powerful about being part of a congregation.

Time for bed. Yes it is New Years Eve, but I work at 7am. I will ring in the new year by saying a quiet prayer and thanking the Lord that my children are healthy and safe.

Xmas Eve pics

Pictures from Christmas Eve dinner at my mom's house.

From left: Chase, Zach (my nephew 15yrs), Matt (Samantha's boyfriend 21yrs), Samantha (my niece 19yrs), Aimee

Last night was really emotional for me. I felt a great emptiness and was missing my dad. I know he was watching over our family last night and will never leave my heart.

Chase and my dad

I'm writing this as my sleeping meds are kicking in so be patient with typos and run-on sentences please!

Chase is still in the hospital but scheduled to come home on Monday afternoon. Woohoo!! Just in time to put up the Christmas decorations and tree. He's doing very well and the doc started him back on the Geodon at a very low dose. The doc felt like he did fantiastic on a low dose of it for 7 months and only came back to the hospital when the dosage got to the max amount. It might have been that such a high dose was activating him. We shall see....

Last night I spent with my mom. My dad passed Dec 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. Last night my mom and I went to my dads favorite place to go during his last few years of life, Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino. As I sat at his favorite kind of game, video poker and played, at 9:06pm the power went out in the whole casino. I know my dad did that as a little wave "hello". I was hoping for a wave "hello" in the form of a Royal Flush, but I'll settle for a power outage. He probably would have said, "You don't get a Royal Flush by just playing poker. There is strategy and skill involved." But heck, dad, it would have made for a nice Christmas for the kids!

I initially was dreading the trip to Jackson. I thought my mom would fall apart. She didn't. We cried and held each other but for the most part, we enjoyed the places that my dad enjoyed and we felt very close to him.

I need to go or I'm going to cry. My dad was not just ANY man or guy. He was so much more than that to so many people. I'm so lucky I got 27 years with him.

God Bless.

Thanksgiving pics

Looking back at Thanksgiving yesterday, I wish I would have taken more pictures. I have an excuse though! I only stayed at my big brothers house for about an hour before leaving to go home. I worked the graveyard shift so I needed to get some sleep before work. We had a great time and the kids stayed after I left and drove home with Grandma. I feel so spoiled that the women in my family are such great cooks! All that turkey sure made it easy for me to take my nap before work.

Today was a pretty good day. It feels amazing to say that. One of my closest friends is encouraging me to look to God for comfort and strength during these hard times. For some reason when I struggle, is the time when I turn away from Him. Like I'm ashamed.

Chase is awesome!

We went out on the boat yesterday and Chase showed us all just how brave and fearless he is! He loves going on the boat and getting tossed off the tube into the Delta! I think next summer Chase is going to want a wakeboard and its such a fun family activity. I am so thankful for our close family. My neice and her boyfriend (in the picture below) are great with my kids.

KRISTENS FUN FACT OF THE WEEK: Spray on sunscreen is super easy and works great. AS LONG AS YOU RUB IT IN!!! I didn't..... I won't be able to sleep on my back for a few days!

Birthday and pics

Chase is 8 years old!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHASE!!! We had a great day filled with presents, cake and of course, Chuck E Cheese!

After the kiddos went to bed I got to go on a date with my boyfriend. I dragged him to see Eclipse. What a great day!

Father's day tears

:::Teensie update since yesterdays entry::: Chase is actually 59lbs. If anyone has any ideas to help him put on weight in a healthy way, let me know. Maybe Ensure drinks or something? He isn't weak or anything and has the same amount of energy as always.

Kevin is back and its nice to have an extra set of hands (and eyes!) As much as I might complain about him, I couldn't imagine our lives without him around.

Tomorrow is Father's Day so please bear with me. Two rough things are hitting me already. 1. My children haven't seen their father since November and will celebrate their first Father's Day without their father around. 2. Its my first Father's Day without my dad. I have spent every Father's day with my dad since I can remember.

Now that I'm all emotional about a silly Hallmark holiday, I'm going to get comfy in bed and remind myself to be thankful for the men in our lives. Uncle Kevin, Uncle Steve, Zachary and my boyfriend. Hold your dad tight tomorrow please.

last year

Birthdays are coming and after last years fiasco we will be keeping them VERY mellow. For anyone that doesn't remember, I had a big party planned for Aimee's birthday on June 15. Invited kids from her school and lots of family and friends. And then Chase went in the hospital. Again. And then my dad got put on hospice. I was able to notify most people that the party was canceled but there were a few people from the daycare that I had no contact info for. They showed up. Ugh. I felt awful and like such a flake. Everyone understood, but it was still disappointing.

Then we just didn't plan a party for Chase since he was in the hospital anyway. When he came home we did a little party at my parents house so my dad could be there. It actually turned out to be pretty special. My dad was doing really well that day. See pics below.

school concerns

Awesome visit with Chase's Grandpa Rick. BUT Chase only came with us because once again he raged when the bus came. I was going to take him to school but then he fell asleep on the floor. I am starting to see a pattern finally!

Not enough sleep or restless sleep--->exhausted Chase--->irritable Chase--->rage--->good sleep

I have obvious concerns about him missing school for this stuff. But I have more concerns on days like today that when I drive him to school, he will rage right away and get sent home anyway. I'm just tired of him hurting people at school during his rages. Any opinions are welcome.

today

Chase had a better day today. Great at school, and a mellow evening. Tomorrow is a new day, and who knows which Chase will wake up.

Tomorrow Kevin and I are going to Yuba City to spend the day with Rick (Kevin and Jared's dad).

grandkids and pics

Below are two pics from friday afternoon. Both kids got ice cream from the ice cream truck. Of course it was a MESS so I wouldn't let them in the house with it! Mean mommy! Hehe.

I'm very worn out but still smiling. Chase's teacher said that Chase had his best day so far! I'm so relieved and I can see in his face that he's thrilled and so proud. I never could have guessed that we would have such a great week. I am thankful for each moment. Even their cute little fingers poking on my cheeks at 5am to get out of bed and play with them.

Yesterday we were able to resume our weekly family dinners. I didn't realize how much I had missed them. My dad would be proud that our family is keeping with his traditions and values. As I sat on the deck last night with my family, I started thinking about the grandkids (of my mom and dad.) Regardless of all their flaws and struggles, they obviously did something right.

*Samantha is a beautiful young woman who values her independence. She is intelligent and intuitive. In some ways I actually look up to her for knowing WHO she is and refusing to give that up for anything or anyone. She has a strong faith and isn't afraid to help others find Jesus.

*Zachary (my Zachy) is going to be an amazing husband and father someday. He is truly a child of God and has already found his calling in life. Zachy will be a minister and maybe even a missionary overseas. He has the quiet courage to stand up for what he believes. He knows how to make us laugh and is more compassionate than any teenage boy I have ever known.

*Chase...well you all know about him. He's handsome, smart, silly and caring. He is protective of his family, especially his sister. Chase is proof that mental illness does not change who the person is inside. He will be an example for others struggling with mental illness and isn't afraid to share his story.

*Aimee is also protective of her family, but particularly Chase. She loves to cuddle and is quite athletic. If Aimee had a motto, it would be "Everything in its place." Its all about cleanliness and organization for Aimee. Oh and dressing up in my clothes and putting on my makeup.

Not sure why I wanted to share that. Something to do with my dad I guess. I know before he passed he was able to look at his grandkids and know that they were each special in their own way and I know that brought him pride and peace. I miss him. So much.

good day

Today was a good day. It really was. Great day at work and that is a success big enough to dance about. Tonight we had our normal sunday family dinner at my mom's (and dad's) house. Tons of food and fun with family. Sometimes I feel like our sunday dinners are a chore but I'm beginning to see the benefits. We are together each week and know each other more now than ever. My dad made sure that we got on the right path towards all this.

Oh and Chase is still glowing about his basketball game.

Now I'm cozy in bed and loving it.

Yuba City

Chase is still in Yuba City. Its so quiet around here without him. I keep having to remind myself to enjoy the calm but I miss my lil man. (Remind me that I said that when he's driving me nuts in a few days!)

Dogs?

I'm missing Chase like crazy. He's having a great time with Rick and is having no behavioral problems. Makes me wonder if everything is my fault.

Aimee and I baked cookies tonight. We had a blast dancing in the kitchen while the cookies were baking.

I'm getting really attached to this silly dog, Sara. She's amazing with the kids and really mellows out Chase. She's one of Ricks FIVE dogs. Even my mom loves her. I'm seriously considering keeping her. Am I nuts?

I don't really feel like writing anything else.

Ashes to Ashes

A few updates before its time for my "therapy."

Chase went with Rick, Uncle Kevin and Uncle Adam to Yuba City for the week. He comes home on tuesday. I'm so happy that they did this for him. Chase does so well when he's one on one with an adult, especially a male. Rick is such a positive male role model for Chase. We are so blessed. Even my dad told Rick how thankful he is that Chase has him.

Aimee is spending the night at my mom's house for the first time in probably 8 months (since my dad got really sick.) My mom will watch her tomorrow when I go to work.

We decided on a place for my dad's memorial celebration and I think its perfect. Email me if you want details.

Therapy Time:

I was doing okay today. Even though I knew that today we would be spreading my dad's ashes, I was doing okay.

And then I walked in my mom's (and dad's?) house. I went into their room. Something was missing. No - Not my dad. That one is WAY too obvious. My dad's white velcro shoes were not sitting neatly next to the bed. As I looked around the room I realized that they were gone. I crumbled to the floor sobbing about some stupid velcro shoes. My mom came in and hugged me on the floor. She told me that she didn't get rid of the shoes, that she put them in his closet. That didn't help.

Please don't think I'm a freak that thinks everything should be left as it was, as if my dad will be walking through the front door. But I'm not ready for such a tangible sign that he is really gone.

Fast forward a few hours. We [immediate family] went out on the water somewhere on a floating vessel with my dad's ashes. As we poured them (very legally of course), into the water the song "Amazing Grace" was playing in the background. After the ashes were in the water (far far away in a legal spot) my mom put a bouquet of flowers in the water. It was done exactly as my dad had hoped. So where is this closure that everyone says comes with that moment....

If anyone knows of any bible verses that might help me right now, please send them my way. I'm in such a deep place that I don't even know where to look.

Good day

Seems as good a time as any to do my weekly update

Aimee

• Aimee is spending her days dressing her "babies" for different events. Cant leave the house in pajamas of course. Gotta put baby in a dress, etc etc. Super cute
  
• Aimee goes to preschool tomorrow but they have the Christmas show in the evening. Aimee really doesn't want to do it. Do I bring her anyway?
  
• We made sugar cookies today that turned into one big cookie the size of the cookie sheet. Still tasty!
  

Chase

• He is doing well. Incredible even. First basketball practice was a ton of fun. Chase was focused and smiled the entire time. We need to work on "chest passes" and dribbling technique. After the hour of practice, he wanted to stay! He would have practiced for another hour.
  
• Besides the daily homework struggles, Chase is doing well in school lately. The teacher says he's less aggressive and more willing to learn. Lots of fidgeting and whining, but those are minor things compared to past behaviors.
  
• Chase went to Grandma's house for the first time since Grandpa died. He looked into his room and started crying. My dad laid in the hospital bed in his room for 6 months and now it is empty. But we did find a little stuffed horse that Chase gave to grandpa to hold. Now he calls it the "Grandpa Horse"
  
• As much as I avoid talking about Jared...... Its very clear to me that his absence has made a huge difference in Chase's behavior. Chase is doing really well overall right now.
  

Everyone else

• Met with the investigator on my "case" at work. Good meeting and I feel like I can relax until I know what my punishment will be, if any.
  
• Great shift at work. The girls missed me.
  
• A true friend went above and beyond the "duties" as a friend. I've always known she'd be there for me. She has NEVER let me down. But what she did for me today went way beyond that. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
  
• Kevin and Rick are here and leave tomorrow night. That puts me in a bad spot for thursday night when I work my graveyard shift so I have to figure that out tomorrow.
  
• BUT it looks like they may come back here and take Chase back to Yuba City with them for a few days!!!!! It would be great for Chase and for me! Then I only need to worry about getting a babysitter for Aimee this weekend instead of both.
  
• I really am at peace with the loss of my father. But what exactly does that mean? Maybe I will elaborate on that thought on tomorrows blog.
  

Good night for now. Today was a good day.