Longer update plus pictures!

Got my laptop out tonight to write a real update for the week. Typing on my ipod thing is a lot harder than it should be.

More basketball games/practices. (thanks so much meredith) Chase loves it and when he's in the mood, he is focused and happy. Today he was a little "zombie-like" during the game though.

Chase has been included in tons of football games on our street with mostly middle school kids. He gets roughed up pretty good but is getting the hang of it and feels "cool" that the older kids let him play.

My friend that I have been praying for and worried about, is officially on her 4th day of sobriety. I'm so proud to say that. Even though I don't know about her struggles from personal experience, I hope to be there for her.

Here's a doozy for you.... Chase got mad while wrestling with another kid in the street. I told Chase to stop wrestling and he looked at me, said some cuss words and took off down the street. Once I caught up to him, I had to literally carry him home and then put him in a basket hold until he calmed down. Called MRT and they came out to talk us through the rest of the evening.

My boyfriend and I are trying to make all of this work. To inter-twine our hectic lives. I know he loves me and loves my kids. But there's more to it than just that. Thats a story for another day.

Goodnight.

Short

Another post from my iPod in bed. Things are good. We love the new nanny. Chase had a great day at home and school. I made an experimental dinner and everyone loved it but should have cooked the potatoes longer. Gotta sleep now. The producers are likely coming to film on feb 20 for the discovery channel documentary.

Writing froM iPod

Writing this from my iPod so it will be short.

Chase is cycling quickly right now but his rages are less violent and more verbal. When he's not raging or irritable, he's great. Patient, loving, happy and cooperative.

I'm doing ok right now too although my insomnia is out of control. I'm wondering if I should switch sleeping meds.

I'm going to look into swimming for sprig and summer for chase and I also found an indoor soccer place. Basketball is going great.

update

This has been a hard week. Lots of drama with friends and their lives getting out of control. I won't spill their business here, but I am praying that good decisions will be made and that no friendships/relationships are destroyed in the process.

Chase has had an okay week. Tomorrow morning is his second basketball game. I'm so excited for him. And I will be filming.

Here are the updates for the week, lacking in sentence structure.

Chase has made HUGE improvements in his reading skills. Tonight he was bugging me to "quiz him." I got to pick any words, 4 letters or less and he'd have to spell it. Or I'd spell a word and he'd have to say it. Finally I just told him that he was late for bed and he made me promise to do more in the morning. I think I am glowing. Between basketball and reading skills, Chase's confidence level is on the upswing. YAY CHASE!

Good news on Aimee's school stuff too. Her teacher spoke with me today and feels like Aimee needs to move to the next class up because she's too advanced for their class. So Aimee will be moving to the ladybug room. And next year she will be in Pre Kindergarten. I guess there were a lot of skills that the class has been focusing on and Aimee is way beyond them. They also find that she plays with older kids instead of kids her own age. I'm so proud of my little smarty pants.

At school she's an angel but at home Aimee spends so much time whining that my ears start bleeding. She's either whining and not sleeping or she's hyper and happy. Blah.

My boyfriend is slowly becoming more involved in my life. Our past relationships have failed so we want to try things differently. Obviously we are taking things slow. He is slowly becoming a male figure in my home and getting to know my family. Same with me on his side of the family. When we are ready, we will start joining the two lives. Letting the kids meet etc. But slowly.

As far as the sports suggestions. Thanks Meg and Megan!!

I asked Chase about running and he didn't seem to like the idea. And his experience in the heat of summer might make races hard? I don't really know. I think I'll bring it up again. Maybe see if he wants to go on a jog with me when the weather is nice.

Water activities seem the most hopeful for the summer. I might spend the extra money for some private lessons. He does better in the pool when there aren't a bunch of other kids to distract him. After he feels confident, I'll let him decide if he wants to join a swim team or something.

I'm even thinking football. But thats not a summer thing.

I just want to encourage options. Not force him, but show him that the opportunities are there.

Now if only I can get my W-2 from my job so I can finish my taxes.

Sports

I feel drained from a shitty day at work. literally. Shit coming out of the floor drains on the unit. Not good. So I'm drained. No pun intended.

Other than work, today was a good day. I have a cold but so far its managable.

Chase had basketball practice and pictures today. I hope the pictures come out nice. He is so proud. The coach told me today that Chase is doing really well and has a grasp on many necessary skills of the game. Yay Chase! I'm so proud of him.

But now I have a challenge for my readers:

Chase needs another sport to be involved in after March when basketball ends. What sport can he play that is generally indoors, not too expensive and local in East County? Help! This is going so well that I want to keep the forward momentum with Chase.

good day

Today was a good day. It really was. Great day at work and that is a success big enough to dance about. Tonight we had our normal sunday family dinner at my mom's (and dad's) house. Tons of food and fun with family. Sometimes I feel like our sunday dinners are a chore but I'm beginning to see the benefits. We are together each week and know each other more now than ever. My dad made sure that we got on the right path towards all this.

Oh and Chase is still glowing about his basketball game.

Now I'm cozy in bed and loving it.

My friends

:::WARNING - LONG AND SAPPY POST::::

Last night was a roller coaster at the "Celebration of Life." Everyone that had a part in my dad's life was there last night. I saw people that I hadn't seen in years. I don't have anything too "touching" to say tonight. I am so thankful for my family. But I am also so thankful for my friends. The women that have been my best friends since kindergarten were all at the same table last night showing their love for my dad. It was really cool to have them all sitting at the same table. And my boyfriend was there! They all got to know him a little bit and I think he understands me better after meeting my crazy friends.

I don't really do this, but I'm going to. Most of the women who were at the celebration last night read my blog regularly. And EVERYONE knows that I don't get nearly as emotional in person as I do when I write.

Lindy - You were my best friend throughout my childhood. My dad loved you dearly and for 10 years, you saw him on a daily basis. He loved that you still visited and got to watch you grow into a beautiful young woman. In the end, you stood by him and by me. We have a history with each other and our families that time cannot wash away.

Lou - My dad knew trouble when he saw it! Whenever we argued, he always took your side and told me that our friendship was too important to let go. Your visit in his last days really lit him up. When he didn't recognize much of anything, he knew who you were and was so happy to see you. He never gave up on you, or us. And I won't either.

Ashes - Our ski trips were so much fun and my dad was always happy to drag you with us. I think he trusted you (crazy!). You were one of the people he always asked about. He knew that you would support me when I needed you.

Meredith - Over the last few years I have leaned on you. My dad felt good knowing that even though he wasn't around to help with my kids, that you would be there. He knew that during any emergency, you would drop what you were doing and drive like a mad-woman to be with me. That comforted him. I know he wanted to tell you that. I don't think he ever did.

Lis - The last time my dad saw you was at his house in Discovery Bay. You brought Sean with you. That night my dad told me that you were going to marry "that kid." He was sad that we stopped talking but glad for "that stupid website" that got us back in touch.

Laura - For the first year or so, my dad wasn't sure you even talked! When you got healthy again, I showed him the website of your progress. I found out later that he was bragging about you to a friend that was going to get gastric bypass. "My daughters friend lost over a 100lbs through hard work alone." He was so proud.

Kristie - I wish you could have known him. You would have loved him and it would have explained why I'm such a nut!

I love you all. Really.

my dad

Chase had a good day today. The bus driver even said chase did perfect.

I've been in a cranky mood all week. I told the nanny she wouldn't get paid for this week since she hasn't worked at all. I feel good about that. It takes a lot to be stern in my personal life. At work, thats another story. The next conversation with her is that I will start to pay her hourly or daily, and only for watching Aimee since she seems to cause so many issues with Chase. So watching only one kid is cheaper than both. And if she decides this isn't enough, she is welcome to move on.

Tomorrow night is my dad's memorial celebration (its his birthday). I'm really not into it. I cry so much already and don't need to hear other peoples stories about him. My dad and I have PLENTY of our own stories. I think the dread of this thing is contributing to my "delightful" mood this week. Ha.

So to make myself feel better, I'm going to share some stories about my dad, Ron.

Camping in the rain in Yosemite with Lis and my parents

My dad throwing me in the pool. any pool. He'd just throw me!

Lindy and I showing my parents our dances and then my dad would get up and show his. And boy was that nuts. More like a forwards moonwalk.

Making sure we always had a pool at any hotel we stayed in. He knew I'd be occupied!

Learning about the farming and carpentry stuff my grandfather did.

Getting 2nd place dancing with my daddy at a Luau in Hawaii

Dancing on his feet at weddings

Holding me and crying on my wedding day.

A joke he called "DogJaw"

Holding me and crying on the day I left Jared. He called me from his hospital bed to reassure me that things will work out.

Holding me accountable for my mistakes.

Yelling "I've got a NEEED for SPEEEED!!!! as we skied down the sierra mountains.

Breaking the crystals in my toes.

Lying on the couch with him watching Nascar races.

Him BEGGING me to stop singing in the car.

Holding him while he lay in his hospital bed and whispering to each other. Curling up in his arms while he told me "Everything is going to work out punkin. Just make sure you are there for your mom. She is the honey in my hive. My angel bear."

AHHHHHHHHH

Today sucked. I haven't even had a chance to talk to Chase but he had a bad day at school and on the bus. Not bad enough for suspension though. Gotta look on the bright side!

My nanny sucks. I might have to fire her. But I have no other options. Who could I find that could watch a bipolar kid and work my weird hours? And here's another catch. I can only pay about $250/week. Any takers?

As sad as I am about my dad, I'm so thankful to have my mom back for support. She is my heart. She keeps me sane. Well kinda...

I won't even begin to write about the disaster of a night I had at work. Just imagine 20 girls, all needy and loud, and then screaming and writing reports.

Its a wonder I'm not locked up in a psych ward somewhere.

Maybe

Not in the "posting mood." Chase did great at school. Almost got in a fight with a kid on the bus on the way home. The bus driver pissed me off. Chase was so upset that he never wants to get on that bus again.

Aimee was so clingy today. Separation anxiety is getting intense with her. My mom spent the afternoon/evening with us.

Chase had basketball practice but seemed "off." He was spacing out and not really paying attention. Even the coach noticed.

Now both kiddos in bed. Tomorrow I work from 12pm to 11pm. Management of Assaultive Behavior physical training before my regular shift. At least I'll get paid overtime.

Goodnight. Maybe tomorrow night I'll write in full sentences. Maybe.

Strollers and Chocolate

Chase had a blast with his Uncle and Auntie and cousins this weekend. He was really good for them. I'm so thankful for the peace that he seems to have found recently. (Thanks dad)

Aimee had a huge tantrum tonight when she couldn't find her doll stroller. I swear she fell to the ground crying when Chase told her that it was broken and was thrown away. Weirdo! She said, "NOW WHERE IS MY BABY GOING TO RIDE WHEN WE GO ON A WALK?!?!??!?!" Who knows...this stroller situation could lead to PTSD!

I'm craving chocolate so bad that I could cry. I try not to keep chocolate in the house. It leads to regret when I find my scale. But tonight I'm so desperate that I might just eat some chocolate frosting.

Update after hiatus

So after the longest hiatus between posts....I'm back and ready to roll. or type. And did I even spell/use hiatus right? I've said it a million times but never wrote it. oops sidebar.

Chase is doing so well that it almost feels foreign to me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it! I know that might sound crazy to any of you without bipolar kids or kids on the spectrum. Basketball is really reaching my goal. Chase has a place that he can go for an hour each week, hang out with kids that don't see him as "different" and build self confidence. And on top of that, he is quite the player!

Even homework and school struggles seemed to have lessened this week. With all the improvments since Dec 9...I'm convinced I know why. I said two things to my dad on the night before he passed. I said, "When you go, I'm counting on you to watch over Chase. He needs you to look out for him and to calm some of the storm inside him." And of course I told him I love him. As irritated as my dad often made me, he had the opposite effect on Chase. Chase was mellow and peaceful around Grandpa. I miss him so much.

Aimee is a little stinker! Her little personality is really growing. She likes to do her own hair (usually involving a headband.) She likes to watch Dora about 5 inches from the TV screen when I'm not in the room. Future problems with vision maybe? And she LOVES to cook/bake.

As for me....I'm the real nut-job around this place. The ups and downs of grief are not what I was expecting. One day I'm ok and can talk about him and think about him and smile. Another day I feel such an emptiness from the loss of my daddy. Tomorrow will be one month.

The independent film is now in negotiatings with the Discovery Channel and should be ready to start filming by February. ::::enter nerves here::::

And by now my favorite little blue pill (its just AMBIEN you sicko's!) is kicking in and guiding me to my pillow. Good night and thanks for being patient with me.

I'm back

Just wanted to write a quick note that I got the new power cable for my laptop so I'm back! I'll post tonight.

AWOL

Computer problems. I need a new power cord thingy for my laptop. It should be delivered in the next week.

I will likely be AWOL until then. Take care and happy new year everyone.