pics

updates

It seems as if school ended for Chase and my life just went into overdrive! HAPPY overdrive, with one giant speedbump.

1. School ended. Chase had better grades than ever before.
2. Aimee turned 5 years old and began acting as if she is 13. Ugh.
3. Chase attended summer school and for the first time ever, rose above level 1, all the way to level 2. This is a huge deal because if he can achieve level 3 and maintain, he might be able to return to a regular school. No hurry, but I sure am a proud mama.
4. My appendix decided it was time to blow. Luckily the surgeon caught it with just enough time to get it out before it ruptured. Four days in a hospital and four weeks off work due to the giant open incision that was made because it was such a rush operation.
5. Chase turned 9 years old on the day I was released from the hospital.
6. Aimee is preparing to begin Kindergarten on August 1.
7. Chase is preparing to begin Football. He does not return to school until August 24.
8. Chase's psychiatrist, an amazing doctor, left Kaiser. We miss him already. His new psychiatrist is actually the first one we saw when Chase was 4. She is the one that said the word "Bipolar" for the first time after evaluating Chase. She is also about 30 minutes from home, which is why we changed doctors in the first place. She is worth the drive.
9. We took Chase to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. He loves rollercoasters and the beach so it was the PERFECT day trip.

Thats about all I can think of right now. Like I always say, if I'm not posting, it means things are good and I am using my energy to smile and laugh with my family.

I'm busy

I won’t apologize for not calling you back right away. I have been too busy living. I am busy holding my daughter on my lap while she gets her ears pierced for her birthday. I am busy dancing in pajamas with an 8 year old. I’m busy watching my boyfriend hold my daughter’s hand while she invites him to a Father’s Day Ice Cream Social at her school. I’m busy making homemade pizza in the kitchen with 3 kids covered in flour. I’m busy preparing for the birth of a baby girl so I can once again be called “Auntie.” I’m busy helping with math homework. I’m busy getting to know my mom as more than just a “mother.” I’m busy bringing treats to a teenage girl that has never been given anything. I’m busy watching that same girl walk out of jail with her head held high and her GED. I’m busy smiling as I watch my son pray before going to sleep. I’m busy bragging to doctors about Chase’s progress and stability. I’m busy celebrating the sunshine that seemed to take so long to arrive.

Life is good

What a great month this has turned out to be! And its not even over yet. I'll highlight the ups and downs for you.

Crummy parts

-Aimee has seasonal allergies that are definetly considered severe. Without treatment, they turned into a nasty sinus/ear infection. She is slowly recovering and clearly feels better.
-I keep gaining weight and am starting to worry. I don't eat differently and have even cut out soda. I'm much better at portion control than at any other point in my life. I'm on my feet for most of every day until my kids go to sleep. It doesn't make sense.
-Chase's school is considering keeping him in 3rd grade for another year so he can improve his reading skills. I agree with the school and think that putting him in 4th grade next year would really be setting him up for failure, but I also don't want to destroy his self esteem by holding him back.
-Aimee will likely need glasses because she has an astigmatism in both eyes already. They will recheck her before kindergarten.

Happy parts

-Chase's uncle Kevin and I met with Chase's therapist today. The therapist feels that working with the family will help make the most of his treatment. I totally agree and am so thankful that Kevin is willing to go along with it.
-Chase is doing his homework with less of a struggle lately. It creates a much smoother afternoon for everyone.
-Temporarily I will work a swing shift on thursdays instead of a graveyard. Maybe that will help with my insomnia.
-I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last saturday. Why is this a happy thing?? Because after we talked about it and worked it out, he took it upon himself to have a long talk with Chase "Man to Man." He was teaching Chase that adults can have arguments and still love each other. Chase and I both learned a lesson that day. My boyfriend is in it for the long haul.
-I am on my way to becoming a certified ART (Aggression Replacement Training) facilitator. Its a great program that I will teach to the kids at work but also use some of the skills to work with Chase.
-Baby Erika will be born in two months and I feel so blessed that I get to be there when she is born. Baby shower #1 is this weekend and then Baby shower #2 (that i'm hosting) is in June. Meredith and Dave are going to be awesome parents and have an awesome auntie waiting to help out. (that would be ME by the way!)
-Chase has really found motivation, purpose and strength in the word of God. Church is becoming a safe and peaceful place for him. He wants to attend EVERY event there.

Thats enough for the updates. I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face. Life is good. God is Great.

Fun Pics

Faith, ART and Open House

Chase is doing FANTASTIC! I couldn't be more pleased with how stable he is right now. One thing that I really admire about Chase is that he is aware when he behaves poorly and takes accountability for it. Working in Juvenile Hall, I have grown to really appreciate it when a kid can admit their faults. Its a huge step to improving behavior.

Another thing that has me smiling is Chase's drive towards his faith. In the past, religion was seldom a topic that Chase would bring up on his own. But since he's started attending church regularly, he questions me constantly about Jesus and God. He has a thirst for stories about Jesus. He always prays before bed and often asks to pray aloud before meals. He seems so at peace when he's talking to God. I'm so glad he has found comfort in Jesus.

Today and tomorrow I am working "regular people" hours. Actually I'm in training both days for work. I'm being trained to be a facilitator for ART (Aggression Replacement Training) on my unit. I'm excited to run ART groups in juvenile hall but I think I'm even more excited to use the skills at home. One of the 3 main components is Anger Control. I'm hoping that I will be able to take some of the pieces of the training to practice with Chase.

Tonight was Chase's Open House at school. This year was a very different experience. Chase has progressed so much that even his teacher made a point to pull me aside to brag about him.

Thats it for now, allergies are awful and the benedryl is making me tired. Even though I'm sneezing and itchy, I couldn't imagine feeling more blessed.

The stranger

I posted yesterday that I was able to attend the entire Easter service at church but didn't elaborate. So keep reading...

There was a tall thin woman sitting next to me during the entire service. She was probably in her late 40's.

Towards the end of the sermon, Pastor Larry brought some points that moved me to tears. Ok I'm lying. It moved me to a sobbing blubbering mess (with NO tissue handy!). After the service ended, I turned to leave to go get Chase and Aimee from their Sunday School classes. The woman gently touched my arm and introduced herself. She said that she would sit with me in the prayer room if I wanted to talk and pray. I explained that I was in a hurry to get Chase (I didn't want him getting anxious.) She asked if she could walk with me to his class so we could talk.

By the time we got to his classroom, I felt like I had made a friend. Someone that saw my pain and stepped out of her own comfort zone to comfort a stranger. We exchanged phone numbers and she promised to call me sometime this week. I know for some people, that might sound a little crazy. And I, of all people, have issues talking to "strangers" and never let my guard down unless I'm comfortable with someone. I have no idea what led me to talk to this woman or share anything with her. But I did and it felt right, like God led me to sit next to her in a church full of hundreds of strangers.

On another note, Chase went back to school today after Spring Break. I'm anxious to see how his day was. At home he has been having a hard time sleeping past 4am but no significant changes in behavior.

Thats all for now. My heart feels warm and peaceful today.

Easter Pics!

I'm on my way to bed after the best Easter I can remember. A great weekend with family, friends and even the kids at juvie. The best part??? Chase had a GREAT time at Sunday School while I was able to worship the Lord during the ENTIRE service.

Video etc

VIDEO: Just a little entertainment...and probably a good laugh.

This has been a rough week for me. Kevin went back to his dad's house for a week. My mom fell and broke her foot while standing in my front yard. And to top it off, I got really sick and ended up in the emergency room with a steroid shot in my butt to help me breathe.

Does anybody notice the BIG thing that I'm not stressing about??? CHASE!! He's been fantastic. I don't know how I would have made it through this week without all of Chase's help. Lamictal seems to be a good med for him. He doesn't seem as irritable or short tempered.

Time to enjoy the sunshine and smiling kiddos. And my last day of Sick-Leave.

Bliss

What a great week this has been!

Chase and my boyfriend's son, T, doing their homework TOGETHER.

All three kiddos playing in the front yard.

Chase and T playing the Xbox Kinect This month really has me excited for our future as a family. Chase, Aimee, T, H (boyfriend) and me. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with a man that adores my children and is willing to step up to the plate. (And I happen to adore his son also!) As Chase informed me this morning, "The Lord is REALLY listening when we pray."

changes

Things have been fairly stable around our house! My mind is jumbled after a busy day so watch out for scattered thoughts... My boyfriend and his son are slowly becoming more and more involved in our lives. NO I'm not in a hurry and NO I'm not planning on a wedding anytime soon. But YES I am in love and enjoying every minute of it! I applied for Social Security Child Disability based on Chase's illness. The result of my hour long phone interview: DENIED. I make too much money. BEFORE taxes of course. My net income would totally qualify, but they don't care that the county takes $1500/mo for not-optional retirement. Maybe I'll just quit my job, get on welfare and then have more services and cash to raise my kids. They just sh*t on those of us that are doing things the "right" way. Last sunday Chase really seemed pulled by his illness away from his faith in God. I made the tough decision to go to church without him. Aimee still went with me. I have so many friends that I really look up to that aren't shy about giving me advice. (Bless them!) They remind me that it is important to lead my child to the place where he can learn about God's love. But when it ultimately I need to focus strengthening my own relationship with God first. So that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in such a different place than I was a month ago. It has nothing to do with Chase's stability but everything to do with a change within me. That's it for now. Bedtime.

video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uYSEakg9Sg

What a wonderful gift of pictures/cards for Chase from his best friend Brooklyn's 3rd Grade Class.

nothing

Chase has been home from the hospital for one week now. The rollercoaster continues although not such intense highs and lows. I'm not sure whats going on with me for the last few days but I feel like I can't shake this funky mood. I spent 4 hours steam cleaning the carpets and cleaning the house this morning. I feel restless and anxious. It doesn't have anything to do with Chase but I can't put my finger on what the actual issue is. nothing...

short

Not in the mood to write but I owe you an update, so here goes. Both kids are doing well. They had a great time at Sunday School for the first time at our new church. We will stay at the current dosage of Lamictal until about April 15 and then bump it up a bit. Today I'm turning the medical releases in to Social Security so they can open Chase's case and hopefully help us. Then I go to work.

Rollercoaster

I was so right last night when I predicted I'd wake up smooshed between my two kiddos. I woke up between them and had to laugh out loud.

Today was quite a rollercoaster.

UP - Chase woke up in a cheerful mood.
DOWN - The van driver turned the car around and brought Chase back home at 8am because he was verbally attacking another kid and making threats before they could even get on the freeway.
UP - Grandma took Chase to school and he had a fantastic morning, completing all his work in a happy mood.
DOWN - After lunch, he was attacking a teachers aid, threw a chair, a book and was removed to the support room and didn't calm down until it was time to go home.
UP - Met one of the pastors from the church and his wife who have a grown son that was very similar to Chase. They prayed with us. Chase even offered to begin the prayer.

After leaving the church, we had a fantastic evening. Chase completed all his homework without argument. I tried a new recipe for homemade chicken noodle soup. Shower/bedtime went smoothly.

I am learning that I can't worry about yesterday, this morning or even tomorrow. I can only be thankful for this very moment. And at this moment, I am happy.

Lists

I feel such warmth tonight. And its not only because i'm under my heating blanket in my cozy bed. BOTH of my kids are warm and peacefully sleeping in their own beds tonight. Not for long though, I tend to get little visitors in the middle of the night and end up snuggled between a wiggle-worm and a bed-hog.

I learned a few things today, so I will share

• Its not a good sign when hospital staff make a big SIGH of relief as your child is being discharged.
• Inhalers are for emergencies. So don't hide them. (or you won't find them when you can't breathe!)
• One blanket and stuffed animal going TO the hospital with an 8 year old = two giant bags of random CRAP when its time to go home (and the 8 year old can't carry it so you should expect to)
• Friends are the ones that help you walk through the front door of the church when you can't seem to do it alone.
• Good nanny's are almost impossible to find so don't let your mom piss them off ;-) J/K Lauren. We love ya!
• Kids say the darndest but most honest things. Tonight my boyfriends son and Chase asked us if they could just be brothers already? (Two impatient adolescents...this should be fun.. lol)
• Friends see a need in your life and without asking, they just fill it. (Thanks Di. Really.)
• Only God can open our eyes to whats been right in front of us the entire time.

My To Do list for tomorrow:
1. Finish the Social Security Child Disability application online and hope the claim isn't rejected again.
2. Check out the upcoming flag football league. The other one doesn't start till August.
3. Take Chase to church where we will have a tour of the children's ministry.
4. Get that kid a haircut. Yikes, its out of control and soon will be a home for all sorts of wild animals.

Good night. God Bless.

coming home

I am exhausted from work and need to rest up so this won't be long....promise. Tomorrow is a big day. Chase comes home at 2pm. I feel a million emotions at once. As excited as I always am to bring my boy home, I'm nervous. I am bringing home a "cutter" for the first time and that scares the poop out of me. Maybe it was just something he did in the hospital and won't do at home? Only time will tell. But what I do know for sure is that my family will be all sitting at the dinner table for dinner on Wednesday night.

This is the first time that I've brought Chase home with this renewed sense of faith, hope and strength that I am learning to find in the Lord. I intend to share that with my kids and I can't wait for Chase to feel the warmth that I felt at church on sunday.

Time for bed with butterflies in my tummy and a smile on my face.

amazing

I feel amazing today. I am full of hope and faith! I found a church last night. It was so hard for me to walk through the front door. I went inside and sat down and when I opened the program, saw that the sermon would be about Suffering and Trials. How ironic? It was a good sermon with fun music and good energy. After the sermon I almost left but I saw the prayer room and went inside. An older lady sat next to me and asked if I wanted her to pray with me. I gave her a short version of my sons stuggles and she grabbed my hands and began praying. As I was leaving, she asked me if I would come back so she could hear more about Chase and I could hear more about the love of God.

What a difference a day makes (and a little nudge from our Lord.)

The Line

Today Chase crossed a line. The line cannot be seen or even defined. But a line none the less. See below for the sad series of events and I am sure you will feel the "line" being crossed.

1. During a process group in the hospital, a peer said something hurtful to Chase.

2. Chase reacted impulsively and aggressively.

3. Chase was sent to his room for a short time out before he could return to group.

4. He went into his room, broke a plastic comb and rubbed it on the corner of the wall to sharpen it.

5. Chase cut his own arm with the comb until he bled.

6. Chase carried the sharpened/bloody comb as he charged back into the group without permission.

7. Staff stopped Chase, retrieved the comb and were able to calm Chase and then immediately notify me of the incident.

As much as I could write about the above incident and the line that was crossed today, I just can't.

What I will say is that I prayed over the phone with a dear friend of mine, Kristie. We prayed that Chase would be healed and that I would be able to let go of my need for control and be strong enough to give it to God. I must accept that I cannot save my son from his illness. God can. But I have to reach out and ask for His help. So tonight when I got home, I literally fell to my knees and let go. Let God. This is just the beginning of my journey.

And just as this storm rages outside the walls of my warm house, I am reminded that after the storm comes sunshine. In the sunshine I will see Jesus holding Chase's hand.

Chase at about 2 years old.
Beautiful.

Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.

Update

Chase came home from the hospital a few weeks ago and since he's been home things have been going well. Until last week. Chase was out of control at school, throwing chairs, verbally attacking anyone that would look at him and even trying to slap his teacher. Our doc adjusted Chase's meds a tiny bit and it seemed to help. And then deadbeat dad came to visit on saturday.

Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.

On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.

On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.

I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.

biology?

I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.

Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.

I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.

A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.

But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.

Today

Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!

It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.

Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.

box

My son is not well. He suffers from an illness that crept into our lives silently and refuses to let up. The doctors, hospitals and other professionals have yet to find a balance that can let Chase live his life with little inturruption from the unwelcome illness.

Sometimes I have these strange visuals of Chase and his illness. I picture Chase holding in his hands a box that contains bipolar disorder/psychosis. The box cannot be put down. Instead Chase can learn to live his life while still holding the box. It might take a bit longer to do everyday routines or develop certain relationships while holding the box, but it can be done.

However, during my visit today I saw something totally different. I saw a life-sized bipolar box with Chase trapped inside it.

----------------------------------------------------

I am surrounded by people but feel so alone in this quest to rescue my son.

harry potter and tire-swings

Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.

The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.

Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?

Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.

I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.

nothing

Chase was transported from the ER to the psych hospital early this morning. I just got back from visiting him and he is in good spirits. I (on the other hand) am on the verge of a breakdown.

Deja vu

Chase is being 5150'd again. Tried to stab himself in the neck tonight while I was at work. Thank goodness for our amazing nanny. She saved my son tonight. Gotta go, laying in hospital bed with Chase in the ER.

Storm

Parenting is about making decisions. Starting from the moment of conception. For me there was a choice to be made about whether or not I was capable at 19 years old of being a mom. No real dilemma for me, it would be hard but I knew I could be a mom. From that point on, the decisions are smaller but just as life altering. Most recently the decision of medications and hospitalizations etc.

Fast forward to the present time. I am watching my son start spinning off into what I know is a world full of psychosis, mania and aggression. ::::Warning::: metaphor coming... Its as if we are standing in a light mist of rain. I see the clouds getting darker and the rain slowly increasing. Chase is headed in a direction and all I can do is hold his hand and pray. We can stand in the rain and be ok, until the flooding begins and then we can't get dry. Once things get that bad, there is no decision to be made. Doctors/therapists etc will make it for me. But the flooding always causes damage that lingers long after the sun comes out.

Am I just waiting and stalling so I don't have to make the decision?

I know my son. The storm is coming. Its my job to keep BOTH of my kids safe. No matter what.

Blessed

I stayed home today. A lot was going on so I just wanted to keep a close eye on Chase.

Rick (papa) came to pick up Kevin. Of course a visit from papa wouldn't be complete without a houseful of obnoxious dogs. Picture this: Car pulls up, car door opens and 3 giant INBRED puff balls with legs come flying out and ready to tear up my furniture and traumatize my cat. Thankfully the "dogs" didn't leave any permanent marks on my carpet this time and the visit was short but sweet. My dog Sara breathed a sigh of relief when the puff balls jumped back into the car.

MRT came out for our appointment that I had set up yesterday. Leslie from MRT just checked in with us and really got me thinking about Chase's school placement. Maybe I'm in denial that Chase can function his current school. It might be time to step into a real Day Treatment program. My main concern was that Chase wouldn't learn as much academically at a day treatment. But as Leslie pointed out, he isn't learning much at this point anyway because he's in such a constant state of distress when he's at his current school. Something to think about.....

And then two things happened that remind me that God is so present in our lives and to take time out to thank Him.

1. I was enjoying a nice afternoon in the front yard watching my children play when a man came walking past the house with his two little dogs. I've seen this man before in passing and we always chit chat about the dogs. But today he was walking with a little boy. Chase stopped the little boy (we will call the little boy "N") so he could admire his fancy razor scooter. The boys were quick friends and started bugging the dad and I to let them play. The dad and I exchanged names and phone numbers. I told the dad that I would walk "N" home when they were done playing. The dad then hesitated and said, "I am excited about the boys playing together but you should know that "N" has special needs and is labeled as emotionally disturbed." I could tell he was just giving me a heads-up and not expecting anything in return so I shocked myself when I grabbed the man's hand and shook it. I said, "Let me introduce myself again, I'm Kristen, mom to a child with special needs and diagnosed as bipolar." He probably thought I was a nut but all of the sudden I just felt like God had moved this new family onto our street for us to meet. The evening was fun and the boys were GREAT friends by the time I walked "N" home. We even planned to get together for a BBQ or something so we could share experiences with each other and talk about parenting our special boys.

2. Not long after going inside to start dinner, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw one of my closest friends was calling me. Shannon had met a lady that has a child that is struggling with some sort of mental illness and thought I could be helpful or even just someone who could actually understand. It makes me proud to know that Shannon thought I could be a support for this woman I have never met. When we are struggling and alone, God finds a way to bring the people we need into our lives.

Today was a good day. I feel so blessed.

On edge...

Chase is on edge. We are on edge. He is easily irritated, quickly angered and just plain mean. I called Mobile Response Team (MRT) and due to budget cuts, there is not enough staff to come out to the house unless we are currently in a crisis. Ironically if we WERE in crisis, the team would be responding from so far away that they couldn't help anyway.

I am thankful that Chase is not being violent and is not a danger to himself or others at this point. My mom is available to take Aimee if things escalate. If things don't settle down, this may be another FMLA weekend. Just what we need...more unpaid time off so we can dig our hole even deeper.

As far as SSI and SSDI is concerned, I've applied. We don't qualify due to my income. I've thought about fighting it but can't find anyone to help me fight it without requiring a huge retainer. We applied for Medi-Cal again for Chase. I want to make sure that I have things in place for when the state cuts off funding through the school district for mental health services. I know from past experience that my "share of cost" would be about $3000/month. Probably not worth it but I may as well keep our "benefits" active just in case.

That's all for today, time to start cooking dinner.

a few pics

mistake

With everything that our family has gone through, there are a few things I really pride myself on as a mother.

1. My children have never heard me speak poorly of their father. As far as they are aware, Daddy and Mommy are friends but just not together anymore.
2. I never discuss finances in front of the kids. (Adult finances)
3. My children will never doubt that I love them and would do anything for them.

Today I made a mistake. A big one. Ok maybe a few.

Little brother Kevin asked me for spending money. In a moment of stress and frustration, I told him that as of Jan 18 our water and PG&E will be turned off, so NO I have no spending money for him. Then I turn around and see my son's wide eyes as he sat on the stair behind Kevin. Chase takes on any stress for the family and will literally lose sleep over it. That is why I am so careful, until today.

As I was tucking him into bed, he cried with worry about the power and water being turned off. Then I lied. I lied to my son. Its one of those little white lies right? I told Chase that I just said that because I didn't want to give Kevin any money that he would waste on video games. What I wasn't aware of was that he heard me on the phone with PG&E trying to negotiate with them so they don't shut it off. So now he knows I lied.

Things have been financially tight since deadbeat dad took off and then got fired from his job. I don't talk about it much because its embarrassing. But now my pay got cut because I work for the county and we are getting 2 furlough days per month AND they screwed with our insurance premium and copays. I want to be angry at my ex for not helping with his children. Instead I just end up feeling like a failure as a parent to provide for my children. And what happens when the water and power are actually shut off? No lying my way out of that one when Chase asks what happened.

I'm sure I could probably call my mom and she'd help and then make sure that I feel even more like crap. I'm going to put it out of my head until monday and just enjoy the weekend with my kids. Tomorrow would be my dad's 73rd birthday.

school

Many parents take school for granted. Not ALL. But many. They wake their sleepy kids up for school, get them dressed and give them a hug and off they go. When the kids come back home, their brains are a little more full and their tummies a little more empty. A little snack and they are ready to finish up their homework so they can have a fun evening. I KNOW thats how some families operate because that was me and most of my friends growing up. Same as the kids in our neighborhood. School homework fun...no big deal.

But this is NOT our experience in the Patterson house. Even on a good day. I can't be jealous. Or can I?

Lies

My brain feels scattered tonight. Tons of random thoughts bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls. I'm going to try to turn the random stuff into something that makes sense.

Chase lied at school yesterday. Not a little white lie or even a lie to make himself seems super cool. A hurtful bunch of lies that made me look like an awful mom. He told the school that I would not feed him anything in the morning because he was being bad and we were so poor there is nothing in the fridge. Then he also said that I told him to take his meds himself because I was angry at him and as a result, he took the wrong meds. So in his explanation of things he was acting out, tired and hungry because I'm an awful mom. Ouch.

In reality he had a bowl of cereal, got upset and decided he wanted something else. He put his entire bowl into the sink wasting a lot of milk and cereal. I told him THAT was his breakfast and he could have some fruit if he was still hungry. And the meds lie didn't make sense at all because he was given his meds just like every other day. I would never trust my EIGHT YEAR OLD to administer his own medication. Thankfully when the school called me to verify Chase's stories, I was able to clarify and when the school spoke with him about it, he cried and admitted he was trying to make excuses.

Other than the lying incident, Chase is really doing well in school this week. His homework has been completed with minimal fuss.

Time for me to get to sleep. I found an online bible study guide for women and each night I read a bit before bed. Its a start...