Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.