halloween

My babies are with their dad in Alameda. I have never had a lonely Halloween, but it just isn't a holiday without them.

Party. Smiles.

Chase got invited to a Halloween Party by one of his friends from school! I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but to a kid with a severe mental illness, an invitation is a HUGE deal. The only parties Chase really gets invited to are for family and for friends when they invite a whole class and don't want to leave anyone out.

The party was held by a young family that lives less than a mile from us. The little boy, E, is about 10 and seems like he might be on the autism spectrum. Either way, he was so happy that Chase came, and so were his parents. I could tell they have had the same issues with E being accepted, as Chase has. I genuinely like their little family and see a lot of similarities. Makes me feel normal. Accepted. Understood.

After about an hour, Chase was ready to go home. He was tired and a little overstimulated. Even tired, I don't think he stopped smiling for the entire time. I can tell he will be bragging about this party for the next month. Such a great way to end a fantastic week.

Now comes the fun part. Getting both kids out of the house before 6am... Gotta love working weekends.

Halloween Costumes

Chase = Jedi guy from Star Wars

Aimee = Kitty (but playing dress up in her princess costume too.)

Wooohooooo!

Chase loves the new little bus and the friends that he has on it! He even loves the bus driver! I'm so relieved!

Chase had a great day at school yesterday and after arguing with the nanny a bit, had an overall good day.

That's all for now....

sleep. lacking.

Can't sleep. I get the kids back from their dad today right after work. The plan is to then go to my parents house for our family dinner that we usually do on sundays. I'm praying that Chase's instability doesn't make my dad tense.

Sleep is so overated.

Men

This post has nothing to do with Chase. So its ok if you skip it.

I'm so upset right now. I hate that the men I have chosen to love seem to turn away from me when things get too hard with Chase. Makes me feel like I'm not enough. Why am I not enough? I am smart enough to know that if I shut down my own relationships, I won't be truly happy. But also realistic enough to know that I may not have room in my life for another man besides Chase.

no title

I'm feeling a little better. Chase had a good day but I suspect he's getting my nasty cold. I spoke with the Special Ed director who suggested we get Chase onto a different bus to see if that helps. He will be back on the smaller bus with another company starting on monday. He did great with this company and bus last year... I'm hopeful.

I want to go be with my dad but can't because I'm sick.

bed

I woke up sick sick sick this morning. Sore throat, runny nose, headache etc. Yay. But the best neighbor in the world took Chase to school today (due to bus suspension). And Rick and Kev are banishing me to my bedroom for the day so I can rest and feel better. Thats it for now....my bed is calling my name....

Crap

Chase got suspended from the bus. Third time in two weeks. This time he's suspended for three days. Oh and another nightmare-ish day at school. I had a breakdown on the phone with my mom today. I think I cried for two hours. Thank goodness Rick and Kevin are here to help me out. I'm making a big dinner tonight. Rick and Kev are going to meet my boyfriend....

Dads and buses

Rick is back! (in case you are out of the loop here, Rick is my ex-husbands dad) I'm SO thankful to have him back and this time he brought more help! Kevin is my ex-husband's little brother. All 22 years and 310lbs of him. They are both amazing, although the ex is once again refusing to come anywhere near the house while they are visiting.

Rick and Kevin also brought along 2 hairy creatures that they call dogs. I don't consider anything under 20lbs a dog, but CoCo and Boo are great entertainment for Aimee. She will play with them for hours. Chase doesn't really seem to notice them since their attention span is probably shorter than his.

It makes me angry that Jared doesn't bother to swallow his pride and build a relationship with his father since Rick reaches out to him constantly. Every friday he leaves him a message asking him to call etc. But nothing. Maybe I'm sensitive to the whole "dad" issue lately...

Chase rode on the bus today. To and from school without getting suspended. Now I'm crossing my fingers for tomorrow.

Reflecting on the last year, its amazing how my version of a "good day" has evolved. Last year a good day meant no major blowups, meltdowns or violence. Today it means that no one got seriously injured, the verbal abuse didn't involve threats of bodily harm, no support room and that he didn't get suspended from school or bus. Ugh.

Pics, Video etc.

Chase had a rough weekend with his dad. More of the same. Aggression and depression. It's got a good hold on him right now and it breaks my heart.

Tonight I got in bed with him and we talked about happy things. He was unusually receptive. We talked about things that Chase likes about himself, Aimee and me. Chase is 1.Smart 2.Artistic and 3.Kind. I am 1. Helpful 2.Silly and 3.Pretty. Aimee is 1.cute 2.goofy and 3.talkative.

Below are two pics of the new bed/dresser in Aimee's room, thanks to the neighbor who had it in storage. They are so nice and its great to have a full bed for Aimee so we can all lay in bed and read stories together.

This is a pic of my dad and my lil girly. Aimee loves letting him brush her hair and today she used his cell phone as hair clippers. I attached the video below.

Aimee was relaxing on the front porch while Chase played outside. She picked up my Diet Coke and said, "See! I'm mommy!" But don't worry, it was empty and neither kiddo drinks soda. This is a pic of Chase on his "first date" with Suzanne. He REALLY likes her and she is so nice to him. And I LOVE that she has no front teeth right now. Chase is smitten. They sat on her driveway for their date and traded messages via Nintendo DS.

Below is a video of Aimee giving my dad a "haircut." Ouch. It had to hurt!

So much for a short post. Ha!

Bus Again

I'm so disappointed. Chase was suspended from the bus again. This time for 2 days. I don't know what to do. It was so bad on the bus today. I'm really feeling down about this. If Chase can't ride the bus to and from school, I don't know how to continue with his school that is about a 45 minute drive away. I think tomorrow I can work it but monday will be hard to even have him attend school since i work in the evening and the nanny can't drive all the way there to pick him up. Crap.

Update on IEP

As I wait for the sleeping meds to kick in, just wanted to give a quick update on the IEP. Chase now qualifies for occupational therapy based on his sensory processing problems. Duh. I've been telling them that for a year. Chase will stay at his current school for now but they acknowledge that he is in crisis mode and needs to be closely followed. Nothing overly dramatic.

Because of the IEP, I only had to work 5 hours tonight. I wish it was like that ALL the time! Then again, I'm so thankful to be employed these days.

Tomorrow's plan:

8am Take Aimee to preschool
9am Chase psychiatrist appt in Antioch
10am Drive Chase to school in Concord
11am MY TIME to relax on my day off.
3pm Weekly meeting at work that is on my day off but not the other peoples. So I drive a total of 1.5hrs for 2hrs of overtime... Its mandatory. Maybe I can convince them to put it on another day every once in a while.
6pm Make dinner for the kiddos and have a relaxing evening.

UGH. THATS MY DAY OFF!!!!!! Not fair!

impending doom

Sometimes I have myself convinced that Chase is a normal hyper boy whose life has been shaped by an unstable mother and a dad with anger management issues. And that the divorce and health state of grandpa brought on the increases of the rages and the depression, hence the hospitalizations.

But then I get a call from the school bus. Chase went into some weird state where he stopped listening to real people and started listening to the ones in his head. When a teacher tried to bring him back to reality, she got punched in the face. So now he is suspended from the bus until wednesday which means he stays home today (tuesday). He sure doesn't see that as a punishment.

And at school I got a call from Barbara, the Social worker/Case Manager / Therapist that works with Chase everyday. She was concerned. The teacher called her because Chase was acting strange and complaining of a headache in the classroom. Barbara took Chase to her office where he laid down on the floor and told her that the voices were starting to quiet down. When she asked about the voices, he said they have been loud all day in his head and making him feel like his head would explode. After a while, he said he felt better and that he could return to class.

No major issues in the classroom.

I'm nervous about the IEP. In the last week I have been told that his school may not be the right fit and that he might need a more intense therapeutic program. And now with the bus suspensions I'm nervous about what they want the plan to be.

Eh, gotta sleep though. Goodnight.

Sleep-talking

Chase had a decent day today. Even really good at bedtime. However, I'm sitting here at 10:30pm listening to him yell at someone in his room. I went in and tried to wake him and rub his back. We talked for a minute and then I went back to my room. Now, he's having a full conversation while slurring his words. Its strange, even for him!

Rages vs. Tantrums

WHO doesn't love my Ambien induced posts? If you don't, go away now. Run! Otherwise here goes:

Chase finally made it through a day without any major issues. The teacher was encouraged since we had raised the Abilify that maybe its making a difference.

But on the way home on the bus, the bus aide tried to direct Chase not to open an envelope addressed to me and he totally lost it. He started throwing a temper tantrum on the bus on the freeway. He hit and kicked the aide and said a lot of bad things to her. I could tell she was upset. And who wouldn't be? Thank goodness they didn't suspend him from the bus.

I know you might wonder what the difference is between a temper tantrum and a rage. Its something important to know when you are around Chase. If he's raging, he's dangerous. If he's tantruming then he's just throwing a fit to get what he wants. The rages are his bipolar and the tantrums are partially ADHD and partially being a 7yr old boy.

Temper Tantrum
-Wants something and is told no or to stop
-Screaming
-Hitting
-Kicking
-Whining
-able to contain him without too much of a struggle
-Short time period, about 10 minutes.
-Very coherent and aware of his surroundings
-Is capable of being soothed
-Typical of most 7 year old tantrums

Rage
-Triggered by something very small
-Can last for hours
-Agressively attacking himself, others and any property
-Nearly impossible to restrain
-Superhuman strength (like someone on PCP)
-Cannot hear what you say to him
-Is not responsive to any outside stimulus (me talking, doorbells ringing, etc)
-Doesn't remember the rage itself but can remember only the first few seconds.
-Followed by exhaustion and usually falls asleep on the floor.

Ok I'm done writing my book now. Ha Ha Ha.

Meeting

Jared and I attended the meeting at the school. Together. Yup, that's what I said. Together. I'm so glad he went, I think it was a wake up call for him. The staff kept pushing the need for Chase to be "built up" instead of "torn down." I really hope that some of that sunk in to Jared's head. He needs to be a good role model.

Chase is cycling more rapidly at school these days and spends the majority of the day being out of control or withdrawn. He is essentially spending his school day in the support room.

The school people feel like it might not be the right place for him, as he may need more intense treatment that the current setting can provide. But as I've said before, his school is just about the highest level of help that he can get unless you include residential placements.

I thought being able to keep Chase out of the hospital would also alleviate the need for a residential treatment center. Guess not. The school is willing to be patient.

Chase's abilify dosage will increase in the morning and he sees his psychiatrist on friday afternoon. I think I'm numb. I can't be angry at the school or the county mental health team. They have all been amazing. It just hurts to see Chase struggling so much. Especially because he is SO capable of excelling in academics if his darned mental illness wasn't in the way.

On a great note, Chase was fantastic this afternoon/evening. We got through all of his homework and I could see that he was proud. We played outside, had a popsicle and even played with a rocket toy down at the creek. Then he took a bath without arguement and went to bed on his own. As much as I can't stand the lack of consistancy, I have to be thankful for evenings like this. Don't look a gift-horse in the mouth!

school emergencies

Today's events regarding Mr. Chase:

12:00pm - Call from Chase's psychologist from AB3632. She is worried about Chase. Constant meltdowns and mood swings. Major anxiety problems possibly stemming from his relationship with his dad.

3:30pm - Missed call from Chase's school office

5:00pm - 2 missed calls from Chase's classroom (odd since school ends at 2pm)

5:30pm - Spoke with Ms. Sally, Chase's teacher. Chase spent all day in the support room. Horrible rages, irritability, vulgar, aggressive etc. Ms. Sally is very concerned. Scheduled an emergency meeting for Jared, Chase, psychologist and MRT at 8:30am tomorrow (Wednesday)

5:45pm - Spoke with nanny and Chase. Chase still irritable and sad. Called MRT (from work) to go to the house to help support Chase. They ended up talking to Chase on the phone for a long time. Seemed to help.

11:50pm - I came home and sat with my sleeping little man. So peaceful. So sweet. So sad.

Nervous about the meeting in the morning. Not sure why. Also not sure why I'm writing in sentence fragments.

Chase is sad

Chase is doing better today than the last few days. I really thought he'd be in the hospital by today, but he's home and sleeping in his own bed. He was very helpful this evening while I cleaned the house. He wasn't whining, but just seemed sad. I can tell when he's down because he was ready for bed before 7pm and went there on his own. But he's been restless, talking in his sleep and crying.

I'm doing better today too. Although I may have pushed away a man that I care deeply for. I'm not sure what to do about that. I'm not in a place where I can really focus on a relationship. I'm also afraid that Chase would turn his life upside down and really traumatize his VERY normal son. The sad part is that I could see a future with him.

no title

Last night was awful. And this morning. Somehow I made it through. Had a great night at work. Worried about Chase. He always comes home from his dads house an emotional wreck. Tomorrow afternoon should be fun. I'm tired. Just got off work and go back to work in 7 hours. I'm just glad not to be sick anymore. And not to worry that my kids will wake me up at 4am. At least I'll be able to sleep till 5am. Ha.

crying. me.

Today has been awful. Start to finish. I'm in such a bad mood that I don't feel like writing. If I wasn't such a responsible parent, I'd be drunk off my ass right now. But instead I'm laying in bed crying and wishing sleep would just hurry up and get here.

sickies

Both kiddos have nasty colds. NOT swine, but still miserable. Chase is really having a hard time, both at home and at school. Yesterday he spent most of the day inthe support room. I'm praying that today is better.