Lists

I feel such warmth tonight. And its not only because i'm under my heating blanket in my cozy bed. BOTH of my kids are warm and peacefully sleeping in their own beds tonight. Not for long though, I tend to get little visitors in the middle of the night and end up snuggled between a wiggle-worm and a bed-hog.

I learned a few things today, so I will share

• Its not a good sign when hospital staff make a big SIGH of relief as your child is being discharged.
• Inhalers are for emergencies. So don't hide them. (or you won't find them when you can't breathe!)
• One blanket and stuffed animal going TO the hospital with an 8 year old = two giant bags of random CRAP when its time to go home (and the 8 year old can't carry it so you should expect to)
• Friends are the ones that help you walk through the front door of the church when you can't seem to do it alone.
• Good nanny's are almost impossible to find so don't let your mom piss them off ;-) J/K Lauren. We love ya!
• Kids say the darndest but most honest things. Tonight my boyfriends son and Chase asked us if they could just be brothers already? (Two impatient adolescents...this should be fun.. lol)
• Friends see a need in your life and without asking, they just fill it. (Thanks Di. Really.)
• Only God can open our eyes to whats been right in front of us the entire time.

My To Do list for tomorrow:
1. Finish the Social Security Child Disability application online and hope the claim isn't rejected again.
2. Check out the upcoming flag football league. The other one doesn't start till August.
3. Take Chase to church where we will have a tour of the children's ministry.
4. Get that kid a haircut. Yikes, its out of control and soon will be a home for all sorts of wild animals.

Good night. God Bless.

Deja vu

Chase is being 5150'd again. Tried to stab himself in the neck tonight while I was at work. Thank goodness for our amazing nanny. She saved my son tonight. Gotta go, laying in hospital bed with Chase in the ER.

productive

Today was productive. I got the entertainment unit fixed, swapped bookshelves and patched holes in walls. All by myself! Aimee even helped by following me around with the dustpan.

This evening the nanny and I went to visit Chase. We enjoyed ourselves with the little guy and then had a peaceful drive home.

I'm feeling sad just knowing that Chase should be home with me but need to remind myself that this is all for a reason.

my dad

Chase had a good day today. The bus driver even said chase did perfect.

I've been in a cranky mood all week. I told the nanny she wouldn't get paid for this week since she hasn't worked at all. I feel good about that. It takes a lot to be stern in my personal life. At work, thats another story. The next conversation with her is that I will start to pay her hourly or daily, and only for watching Aimee since she seems to cause so many issues with Chase. So watching only one kid is cheaper than both. And if she decides this isn't enough, she is welcome to move on.

Tomorrow night is my dad's memorial celebration (its his birthday). I'm really not into it. I cry so much already and don't need to hear other peoples stories about him. My dad and I have PLENTY of our own stories. I think the dread of this thing is contributing to my "delightful" mood this week. Ha.

So to make myself feel better, I'm going to share some stories about my dad, Ron.

Camping in the rain in Yosemite with Lis and my parents

My dad throwing me in the pool. any pool. He'd just throw me!

Lindy and I showing my parents our dances and then my dad would get up and show his. And boy was that nuts. More like a forwards moonwalk.

Making sure we always had a pool at any hotel we stayed in. He knew I'd be occupied!

Learning about the farming and carpentry stuff my grandfather did.

Getting 2nd place dancing with my daddy at a Luau in Hawaii

Dancing on his feet at weddings

Holding me and crying on my wedding day.

A joke he called "DogJaw"

Holding me and crying on the day I left Jared. He called me from his hospital bed to reassure me that things will work out.

Holding me accountable for my mistakes.

Yelling "I've got a NEEED for SPEEEED!!!! as we skied down the sierra mountains.

Breaking the crystals in my toes.

Lying on the couch with him watching Nascar races.

Him BEGGING me to stop singing in the car.

Holding him while he lay in his hospital bed and whispering to each other. Curling up in his arms while he told me "Everything is going to work out punkin. Just make sure you are there for your mom. She is the honey in my hive. My angel bear."

AHHHHHHHHH

Today sucked. I haven't even had a chance to talk to Chase but he had a bad day at school and on the bus. Not bad enough for suspension though. Gotta look on the bright side!

My nanny sucks. I might have to fire her. But I have no other options. Who could I find that could watch a bipolar kid and work my weird hours? And here's another catch. I can only pay about $250/week. Any takers?

As sad as I am about my dad, I'm so thankful to have my mom back for support. She is my heart. She keeps me sane. Well kinda...

I won't even begin to write about the disaster of a night I had at work. Just imagine 20 girls, all needy and loud, and then screaming and writing reports.

Its a wonder I'm not locked up in a psych ward somewhere.

school emergencies

Today's events regarding Mr. Chase:

12:00pm - Call from Chase's psychologist from AB3632. She is worried about Chase. Constant meltdowns and mood swings. Major anxiety problems possibly stemming from his relationship with his dad.

3:30pm - Missed call from Chase's school office

5:00pm - 2 missed calls from Chase's classroom (odd since school ends at 2pm)

5:30pm - Spoke with Ms. Sally, Chase's teacher. Chase spent all day in the support room. Horrible rages, irritability, vulgar, aggressive etc. Ms. Sally is very concerned. Scheduled an emergency meeting for Jared, Chase, psychologist and MRT at 8:30am tomorrow (Wednesday)

5:45pm - Spoke with nanny and Chase. Chase still irritable and sad. Called MRT (from work) to go to the house to help support Chase. They ended up talking to Chase on the phone for a long time. Seemed to help.

11:50pm - I came home and sat with my sleeping little man. So peaceful. So sweet. So sad.

Nervous about the meeting in the morning. Not sure why. Also not sure why I'm writing in sentence fragments.

3am! ugh...

Yes its 3am. Yes I'm awake.

Chase is doing really well. For me at least. He's been a pain in the neck for the nanny, but I really think she instigates a lot of the problems. And she isn't good at spreading out the homework throughout the evening.

Its about to be my "day off." Except I have a meeting at work at 3pm. Yay. Its about the changes on my unit. I'm thankful to have a job. I really am. But meetings on my day off are CRAZY and just plain mean.

running on nothing

Just wanted to type this up real quick. I'm running on NO sleep so don't expect a long one.

Chase is doing ok when with me for the last few days, but NOT well at school or with the Nanny. The nanny had to call MRT and even called me at work (which she usually doesn't do.)

So far this morning he has done all of his homework and practiced his spelling words. I pray his good day continues.

And Aimee's sleep issues are really wearing me down. Really.

here i go

I finally have a minute to sit and "reflect" on the last few days. I want to puke. Is that a bad sign?

So wednesday night I think I posted that Chase raged. Nothing horrible.

Thursday morning Chase raged. Aimee and I were both victims of his anger. MRT responded to the house. Jared even came over to "save the day." Things calmed down. MRT left. Jared left (for his busy life with NO JOB.)

Later, I brought the kids over to the Nanny's house so I could get some rest before my graveyard shift. Less than an hour later, the nanny calls. Chase is raging and busted her in the face with his own head. She's bleeding.

On my way to get Chase, I called MRT. Chase was winding down when I got there but started up again soon after we got home. Aimee stayed with the nanny.

Jared came and picked up Chase just in time for me to get to work. (Did I mention he has no JOB?!?!)

I went to work with NO sleep. One of the longest shifts of my life. Got off work and before I could even get home, he calls and is ready to drop Chase off. So I couldn't sleep after work either. But again, HE HAS NO JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very confused as to what he is so darned busy with.

Either way, I hadn't slept since Wednesday night.

Finally on friday night I have the opportunity to sleep. But as luck would have it, Aimee is sick and has the cold from hell. Low fever but a bad cough that is keeping her up ALL night long. She stayed in my bed and neither of us slept. No rages from Chase though.

Saturday morning (this morning) I am a mess at work. I look like hell, feel like hell and probably smell like a$$ since I couldn't even shower.

BUT guess where I am right now?!?!?!? MY BED! So as much as I say I don't sleep, me and my Ambien CR are going to give it a shot.

jumbled thoughts

Another of the same. Chase spent the day lashing out at everyone. His dad didn't show up to the appointment with Chase's therapist. Surprise.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back....
1. Spoke with the head of the special education dept of the school district. She seems to be in agreement with residential.
2. Linda, the Kaiser case manager is meeting with me in the morning to "steamroll" this thing into place.
3. Marilyn, Chase's therapist with AB 3632, doesn't see residential as the next step and attributes a lot of the issues to the recent divorce. Oh and she's met Chase TWO times!

Relaxed night at work. Only 8 kids on the unit so we just hung out and watched Madagascar 2.

Wednesday:
Get Aimee to preschool with her bathing suit and towel. Its water play day!!!
9am appt with Kaiser case manager and wraparound coordinater dude
11am, go home to sleep.
Wake up, go see my daddy
Get Aimee, bring her to nanny
Go visit Chase

I don't have much time with Aimee tomorrow but she will have a blast and will be with me all day on thursday.

I'm done. I'm in a mood where I could ramble for hours, but I'll spare you.

list

As I'm sure you know by now, I like lists. I put everything into little lists. Here is my list for today (yesterday technically):

1. Visited my dad. He was pretty out of it. My mom asked me whether or not I will want the "news" if I'm at work, or if I would rather someone tell me when I get home. THAT was a hard conversation to have. And for the record, I want the news as soon as anyone hears it. I want to be with my family as soon as possible when that time comes.

2. Chase had a great day today. I'm excited for him and think that he could come home soon if he keeps this up. I can tell he's really proud of himself. Maybe the zyprexa is the answer?

3. Aimee and I enjoyed hanging out together today. She's such a funny little turd. Everything I try to help her with, she says, "No! MY do it!" Now if only she was as independent when it comes to the whole potty training issue. Although today she made it from 1pm till bedtime with no accidents and called me at work to tell me. It was great, my teenage criminals on the unit loved hearing me squeal into the phone about "keeping your panties dry and going peepee on the toilet two times!" Hehehe we all got a good laugh out of that one.

4. So far, so good with Nanny Ann. Aimee loves the one on one time and Chase loves her, so I know he will love being with her when he comes home. She is also doing an awesome job helping me around the house with stuff.

5. I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. My moods are pretty different. You would think I'd be an expert on bipolar, but its different for kids than adults. And I don't have the extremes that I see with Chase. My depression ends up with me being antisocial , irritable and crying a lot. My mania revolves around my need for organization (yes this is when the house gets clean), my impulse spending, and my "lists" of things to do get huge and I actually do those things.

6. Right now, I feel like I have a bit of a balance. Its shakey up here but I'm holding on. Lean a little too far, and things are back in the unbalanced land. My dad is dying. My dad will die. My mom will be ok. She is strong. I will be ok. I am strong. My dad is really just a body. My actual "daddy" left a couple of weeks ago. When he passes, I will fall back into depression with people surrounding me.

Well the sleeping meds have officially kicked in. wooooohhhheeeeee

cranky

Yes, Aimee is cute. But it made me sad as I looked through the pics from the last week. None of Chase. Its a tangible reminder that Chase is in the hospital.

Aimee started Vacation Bible School yesterday and she loves it.

Last night after work, a good friend of mine (coworker, minister, friend) saw that I was struggling. He took me to a room, took my hands and said the most moving prayer that I have ever been a part of. I broke down, but felt so good. I really felt as though God was listening to the spoken and unspoken words of that prayer.

Ann the nanny started yesterday. I really think it was the right decision. Tonight is another night of work until 11pm. Yuck. Lately work just seems so draining. I hope to see my dad before work.

I'm not really in the mood to write. Maybe later.

advice? FMLA?

This is all a lot for one person to handle. 99% of the time I can keep it together. I have a feeling that this will be a long blog....so get in and buckle up for one heck of a ride.

I crawled in bed with my daddy tonight. he's been pretty delerious all day. Nothing he was saying was making sence, and his eyes seemed as if they were so tired that he could hardly lift his eyelids. As hard as it is to watch my daddy die in front of my own eyes, I have to keep it in perspective (as my mom says.)

Some people are at work one day and are told their dad was killed in a car accident. Things that wanted to be said never had the chance to get said. They don't get to cuddle in their daddy's arm and listen to him breathing. I am so thankful for this.

I am also thankful for the relationship I have with my dad. It was a real rollercoaster growing up with him. He has an awful temper, can be just a TAD stubborn. But my daddy taught me love, compassion, and that all things are possible.

Tonight, as I lay in bed next to my dad, he opened his eyes, look right at me and said "Hi punkin." I started crying. He pulled me close to him and rubbed my arm while saying "Somehow it [my life] will all work out." I told him to watch over Chase from above. Chase really needs an angel. I told him I will take care of mom. I looked up at him and tears were streaming down his wrinkled face and collecting at the top of his oxygen nose thing.

I get anxious just knowing that my mom is at their big house taking care of my dad all alone. I feel like I should be there. I have papers for Family Medical Leave. I don't have a ton of vacation time left though. Should I take the time off to be there with my parents now, or do I wait until he passes and then take the time off. I could really use your opinions.

I haven't mentioned to Chase that the end is getting closer for his grandpa. I think he can sense it though. Chase has improved a little bit. I will talk with his doctors in the morning and hope to meet with them before I go to work.

Ann ,the nanny starts tomorrow. That reminds me that I need to go get some groceries. Now that I've written so much that you are probably just seeing spots, I'm going to bed.

Aimee is THREE!

I swear I'll have pictures to post soon. Today (June 15) is Aimee's third birthday. We had a BUSY day.

This morning we went and officially signed Aimee up for her new preschool program and she got to see her classroom.

We went to the City Park after visiting Meredith at work. Aimee even said "bye" to her! The kids had a blast at the park.

We went to Chuck E Cheese. One of the games malfunctioned and started spitting out ALL of the tickets. The worker lady told Chase he could keep them! He ended up having over 1000 tickets. What did he get for that? A stupid 10" tall stuffed animal that looks like it was made in a straw shed. Aimee fell in love with a little Bob the Builder ride. I swear she rode it maybe 10 times!

We went over to see my daddy. He seems to spend 99% of the time hallucinating or sleeping, but when the kids come around, he opens his eyes and talks and makes sense. My mom took the kids outside so I could spend some alone time with him. I am so thankful for this time. I am so thankful that Meredith forced me to say things to my dad that needed to be said. When he passes, he will have no doubt that I love him and am so thankful that he's my daddy.

On the way home, I cried. As always. Then Aimee took a nap, Mel came over to babysit and I went to work. Chase started raging at bedtime. Thank goodness for MRT (again!).

Work sucked. Now I'm in bed. Tomorrow won't be so busy but I go to work early for a stupid training. Oh well....easy overtime. Oh and I haven't cried since noon! its been almost 12 hours! its a miracle!

babysitter

For once I can say this and be sure: I made the right decision last night. That isn't to say that I will make the same decision again, but for now, I made the right decision.

Chase isn't doing well. But he is much better than last night. He isn't hearing things. He isn't raging, and he made it through an entire day without going to the support room.

I interviewed two babysitters today. I am looking for someone to stay with the kids on tuesday nights while I work until 11pm. My mom has too much on her plate to committ to two days a week. I liked them both. They are both nice, understanding, patient and seem to be comfortable around Chase.

But one of them, we will call her "M" really seems to be a perfect fit. She is fun, comfortable, and firm. She has experience with special needs kids and doesn't seem phased by the details I have shared with her about Chase. I did a background check and have found nothing interesting, which is fantastic. Aimee warmed up to her rather quickly, and anyone who knows her understands that that is a big deal.

I feel more relaxed about going back to work full time in a week.

Chase went to bed early again tonight. He went to bed in his own bed in his own room. I'm so thankful for that.