list

As I'm sure you know by now, I like lists. I put everything into little lists. Here is my list for today (yesterday technically):

1. Visited my dad. He was pretty out of it. My mom asked me whether or not I will want the "news" if I'm at work, or if I would rather someone tell me when I get home. THAT was a hard conversation to have. And for the record, I want the news as soon as anyone hears it. I want to be with my family as soon as possible when that time comes.

2. Chase had a great day today. I'm excited for him and think that he could come home soon if he keeps this up. I can tell he's really proud of himself. Maybe the zyprexa is the answer?

3. Aimee and I enjoyed hanging out together today. She's such a funny little turd. Everything I try to help her with, she says, "No! MY do it!" Now if only she was as independent when it comes to the whole potty training issue. Although today she made it from 1pm till bedtime with no accidents and called me at work to tell me. It was great, my teenage criminals on the unit loved hearing me squeal into the phone about "keeping your panties dry and going peepee on the toilet two times!" Hehehe we all got a good laugh out of that one.

4. So far, so good with Nanny Ann. Aimee loves the one on one time and Chase loves her, so I know he will love being with her when he comes home. She is also doing an awesome job helping me around the house with stuff.

5. I'm starting to wonder if something is wrong with me. My moods are pretty different. You would think I'd be an expert on bipolar, but its different for kids than adults. And I don't have the extremes that I see with Chase. My depression ends up with me being antisocial , irritable and crying a lot. My mania revolves around my need for organization (yes this is when the house gets clean), my impulse spending, and my "lists" of things to do get huge and I actually do those things.

6. Right now, I feel like I have a bit of a balance. Its shakey up here but I'm holding on. Lean a little too far, and things are back in the unbalanced land. My dad is dying. My dad will die. My mom will be ok. She is strong. I will be ok. I am strong. My dad is really just a body. My actual "daddy" left a couple of weeks ago. When he passes, I will fall back into depression with people surrounding me.

Well the sleeping meds have officially kicked in. wooooohhhheeeeee