Its been sooooo long!

It has been so long since I wrote on this blog.

Here are some updates:

Chase is now in 4th grade and still going to the school for kids with emotional issues. However he is really excelling and for the first time ever, has reached a level 3. When he gets to level 5, the school starts considering returning the student to a mainstream school.

Chase is still on Geodon, Lamictal and Clonidine. Its been about two years on these three meds and he is still stable.

Chase has been out of the hospital for over a year now!

Aimee is in Kindergarten and absolutely adores school. She has been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. She sees a therapist and is doing well.

The kids haven't heard from or seen their biological father in over a year. Thankfully they have H in their lives and they adore him and feel safe and secure with him.

We bought a new (much bigger) home in November. Still in the same town but its great that all 3 of our kids have their own room and they also have a playroom.

I am starting a web design business again. I'll put a link on this blog when my site is up and running.

H and I are still in love and been talking about possible wedding bells in the next couple years....

That's all I can think of right now.

I'm busy

I won’t apologize for not calling you back right away. I have been too busy living. I am busy holding my daughter on my lap while she gets her ears pierced for her birthday. I am busy dancing in pajamas with an 8 year old. I’m busy watching my boyfriend hold my daughter’s hand while she invites him to a Father’s Day Ice Cream Social at her school. I’m busy making homemade pizza in the kitchen with 3 kids covered in flour. I’m busy preparing for the birth of a baby girl so I can once again be called “Auntie.” I’m busy helping with math homework. I’m busy getting to know my mom as more than just a “mother.” I’m busy bringing treats to a teenage girl that has never been given anything. I’m busy watching that same girl walk out of jail with her head held high and her GED. I’m busy smiling as I watch my son pray before going to sleep. I’m busy bragging to doctors about Chase’s progress and stability. I’m busy celebrating the sunshine that seemed to take so long to arrive.

Life is good

What a great month this has turned out to be! And its not even over yet. I'll highlight the ups and downs for you.

Crummy parts

-Aimee has seasonal allergies that are definetly considered severe. Without treatment, they turned into a nasty sinus/ear infection. She is slowly recovering and clearly feels better.
-I keep gaining weight and am starting to worry. I don't eat differently and have even cut out soda. I'm much better at portion control than at any other point in my life. I'm on my feet for most of every day until my kids go to sleep. It doesn't make sense.
-Chase's school is considering keeping him in 3rd grade for another year so he can improve his reading skills. I agree with the school and think that putting him in 4th grade next year would really be setting him up for failure, but I also don't want to destroy his self esteem by holding him back.
-Aimee will likely need glasses because she has an astigmatism in both eyes already. They will recheck her before kindergarten.

Happy parts

-Chase's uncle Kevin and I met with Chase's therapist today. The therapist feels that working with the family will help make the most of his treatment. I totally agree and am so thankful that Kevin is willing to go along with it.
-Chase is doing his homework with less of a struggle lately. It creates a much smoother afternoon for everyone.
-Temporarily I will work a swing shift on thursdays instead of a graveyard. Maybe that will help with my insomnia.
-I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last saturday. Why is this a happy thing?? Because after we talked about it and worked it out, he took it upon himself to have a long talk with Chase "Man to Man." He was teaching Chase that adults can have arguments and still love each other. Chase and I both learned a lesson that day. My boyfriend is in it for the long haul.
-I am on my way to becoming a certified ART (Aggression Replacement Training) facilitator. Its a great program that I will teach to the kids at work but also use some of the skills to work with Chase.
-Baby Erika will be born in two months and I feel so blessed that I get to be there when she is born. Baby shower #1 is this weekend and then Baby shower #2 (that i'm hosting) is in June. Meredith and Dave are going to be awesome parents and have an awesome auntie waiting to help out. (that would be ME by the way!)
-Chase has really found motivation, purpose and strength in the word of God. Church is becoming a safe and peaceful place for him. He wants to attend EVERY event there.

Thats enough for the updates. I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face. Life is good. God is Great.

changes

Things have been fairly stable around our house! My mind is jumbled after a busy day so watch out for scattered thoughts... My boyfriend and his son are slowly becoming more and more involved in our lives. NO I'm not in a hurry and NO I'm not planning on a wedding anytime soon. But YES I am in love and enjoying every minute of it! I applied for Social Security Child Disability based on Chase's illness. The result of my hour long phone interview: DENIED. I make too much money. BEFORE taxes of course. My net income would totally qualify, but they don't care that the county takes $1500/mo for not-optional retirement. Maybe I'll just quit my job, get on welfare and then have more services and cash to raise my kids. They just sh*t on those of us that are doing things the "right" way. Last sunday Chase really seemed pulled by his illness away from his faith in God. I made the tough decision to go to church without him. Aimee still went with me. I have so many friends that I really look up to that aren't shy about giving me advice. (Bless them!) They remind me that it is important to lead my child to the place where he can learn about God's love. But when it ultimately I need to focus strengthening my own relationship with God first. So that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in such a different place than I was a month ago. It has nothing to do with Chase's stability but everything to do with a change within me. That's it for now. Bedtime.

nothing

Chase has been home from the hospital for one week now. The rollercoaster continues although not such intense highs and lows. I'm not sure whats going on with me for the last few days but I feel like I can't shake this funky mood. I spent 4 hours steam cleaning the carpets and cleaning the house this morning. I feel restless and anxious. It doesn't have anything to do with Chase but I can't put my finger on what the actual issue is. nothing...

Lists

I feel such warmth tonight. And its not only because i'm under my heating blanket in my cozy bed. BOTH of my kids are warm and peacefully sleeping in their own beds tonight. Not for long though, I tend to get little visitors in the middle of the night and end up snuggled between a wiggle-worm and a bed-hog.

I learned a few things today, so I will share

• Its not a good sign when hospital staff make a big SIGH of relief as your child is being discharged.
• Inhalers are for emergencies. So don't hide them. (or you won't find them when you can't breathe!)
• One blanket and stuffed animal going TO the hospital with an 8 year old = two giant bags of random CRAP when its time to go home (and the 8 year old can't carry it so you should expect to)
• Friends are the ones that help you walk through the front door of the church when you can't seem to do it alone.
• Good nanny's are almost impossible to find so don't let your mom piss them off ;-) J/K Lauren. We love ya!
• Kids say the darndest but most honest things. Tonight my boyfriends son and Chase asked us if they could just be brothers already? (Two impatient adolescents...this should be fun.. lol)
• Friends see a need in your life and without asking, they just fill it. (Thanks Di. Really.)
• Only God can open our eyes to whats been right in front of us the entire time.

My To Do list for tomorrow:
1. Finish the Social Security Child Disability application online and hope the claim isn't rejected again.
2. Check out the upcoming flag football league. The other one doesn't start till August.
3. Take Chase to church where we will have a tour of the children's ministry.
4. Get that kid a haircut. Yikes, its out of control and soon will be a home for all sorts of wild animals.

Good night. God Bless.

coming home

I am exhausted from work and need to rest up so this won't be long....promise. Tomorrow is a big day. Chase comes home at 2pm. I feel a million emotions at once. As excited as I always am to bring my boy home, I'm nervous. I am bringing home a "cutter" for the first time and that scares the poop out of me. Maybe it was just something he did in the hospital and won't do at home? Only time will tell. But what I do know for sure is that my family will be all sitting at the dinner table for dinner on Wednesday night.

This is the first time that I've brought Chase home with this renewed sense of faith, hope and strength that I am learning to find in the Lord. I intend to share that with my kids and I can't wait for Chase to feel the warmth that I felt at church on sunday.

Time for bed with butterflies in my tummy and a smile on my face.

amazing

I feel amazing today. I am full of hope and faith! I found a church last night. It was so hard for me to walk through the front door. I went inside and sat down and when I opened the program, saw that the sermon would be about Suffering and Trials. How ironic? It was a good sermon with fun music and good energy. After the sermon I almost left but I saw the prayer room and went inside. An older lady sat next to me and asked if I wanted her to pray with me. I gave her a short version of my sons stuggles and she grabbed my hands and began praying. As I was leaving, she asked me if I would come back so she could hear more about Chase and I could hear more about the love of God.

What a difference a day makes (and a little nudge from our Lord.)

The Line

Today Chase crossed a line. The line cannot be seen or even defined. But a line none the less. See below for the sad series of events and I am sure you will feel the "line" being crossed.

1. During a process group in the hospital, a peer said something hurtful to Chase.

2. Chase reacted impulsively and aggressively.

3. Chase was sent to his room for a short time out before he could return to group.

4. He went into his room, broke a plastic comb and rubbed it on the corner of the wall to sharpen it.

5. Chase cut his own arm with the comb until he bled.

6. Chase carried the sharpened/bloody comb as he charged back into the group without permission.

7. Staff stopped Chase, retrieved the comb and were able to calm Chase and then immediately notify me of the incident.

As much as I could write about the above incident and the line that was crossed today, I just can't.

What I will say is that I prayed over the phone with a dear friend of mine, Kristie. We prayed that Chase would be healed and that I would be able to let go of my need for control and be strong enough to give it to God. I must accept that I cannot save my son from his illness. God can. But I have to reach out and ask for His help. So tonight when I got home, I literally fell to my knees and let go. Let God. This is just the beginning of my journey.

And just as this storm rages outside the walls of my warm house, I am reminded that after the storm comes sunshine. In the sunshine I will see Jesus holding Chase's hand.

Chase at about 2 years old.
Beautiful.

Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.

Update

Chase came home from the hospital a few weeks ago and since he's been home things have been going well. Until last week. Chase was out of control at school, throwing chairs, verbally attacking anyone that would look at him and even trying to slap his teacher. Our doc adjusted Chase's meds a tiny bit and it seemed to help. And then deadbeat dad came to visit on saturday.

Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.

On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.

On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.

I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.

He's home!

Late update! Chase came home on Dec 13. So he's been home over a week now and we are having a blast. I refuse to project to far ahead, but today he is great and I couldn't feel any more blessed than I do right now. I'm also having to "right" some wrong decisions I made in the past few months. Maybe eventually I will explain but its a little confusing and also embarrassing. It has everything to do with my ex boyfriend and my impulsive actions that led to a huge mistake on my part.

Chase and my dad

I'm writing this as my sleeping meds are kicking in so be patient with typos and run-on sentences please!

Chase is still in the hospital but scheduled to come home on Monday afternoon. Woohoo!! Just in time to put up the Christmas decorations and tree. He's doing very well and the doc started him back on the Geodon at a very low dose. The doc felt like he did fantiastic on a low dose of it for 7 months and only came back to the hospital when the dosage got to the max amount. It might have been that such a high dose was activating him. We shall see....

Last night I spent with my mom. My dad passed Dec 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. Last night my mom and I went to my dads favorite place to go during his last few years of life, Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino. As I sat at his favorite kind of game, video poker and played, at 9:06pm the power went out in the whole casino. I know my dad did that as a little wave "hello". I was hoping for a wave "hello" in the form of a Royal Flush, but I'll settle for a power outage. He probably would have said, "You don't get a Royal Flush by just playing poker. There is strategy and skill involved." But heck, dad, it would have made for a nice Christmas for the kids!

I initially was dreading the trip to Jackson. I thought my mom would fall apart. She didn't. We cried and held each other but for the most part, we enjoyed the places that my dad enjoyed and we felt very close to him.

I need to go or I'm going to cry. My dad was not just ANY man or guy. He was so much more than that to so many people. I'm so lucky I got 27 years with him.

God Bless.

um ok

As we approach the one year anniversary of my dad's passing, I am shocked at the grief that still seems so raw and fresh. Is it normal to still cry everyday after a year?

On a good note, I am scheduled to pick Chase up from the hospital tomorrow at noon. So he will be home for Turkey Day!

I don't know how I'm going to keep going financially. The more overtime I work, the more I pay in childcare. My bank account is empty as soon as I get my paycheck. The tiny amount of child support I receive barely covers Chase's medicine copays. So now I'm staring at the bill from Chase's school for his school lunches for over $100 and the reality is, I can't pay it. What a nightmare. And even thinking of buying the kids Christmas presents from Santa seems impossible at this point. Can we please skip Christmas this year? Otherwise they are going to think Santa doesn't exist anymore. Ugh.

Time for bed. Woohoo

Long update

A lot has happened since I last posted, even though its only been a few days. (As I sit here plugging my nose because I must have the ONLY cat in the world that farts constantly.)

Wednesday - Crazy busy day off. Met with Chase's outpatient psychiatrist to fill out my FMLA paperwork.

• Random fact #1 - He's such a good doc that he has now been promoted to Assistant CHIEF in the Walnut Creek clinic. I will drive our lazy butts all the way to Walnut Creek every week as long as he keeps Chase on his caseload.
• Random fact #2 - When a fantastic doc writes down the severity of your childs illness on paper, it hurts a lot more than if you just hear him say it. And yet it is the reality and I appreciate our doc for being so honest and willing to help with my paperwork.

Visited Chase in the evening and almost punched the receptionist in the face. Just kidding. Kinda.

Thursday - I went to the DMV to renew my drivers license and take a new picture. Spent the morning with my mom and Aimee. We went to the mall and had a lot of fun together. I worked my graveyard shift later than night and got hit with a nasty sinus infection.

Random fact #3 - If you have ANY sort of personality, the DMV will NOT hire you. You must only be a robot.

Friday - I came home from work and took a nice long nap. I spoke with Chase's doc at the hospital and she told me that she was going to increase the Seroquel over the weekend and probably send Chase home on wednesday. Then I went to MY doctor for my sinus infection. Once again the doctor was worried about my hemoglobin count. He sent me for more blood tests.

Random fact #4 - When a doctor mentions the work leukemia, eye rolling is probably not appropriate.

Saturday - I wasn't feeling well and didn't go to work. When I went to visit Chase in the evening, we spent a couple of hours drawing and just enjoying each other's company. Have I mentioned lately that my son is a really cool guy?

Random fact #5 - When you are 8 years old and 3 girls have a crush on you in the psych hospital, expect to get a cool nickname, like "Casanova."

Sunday - I finally went to work and had a good shift. Then I went to visit Chase. He seemed a little drowsy. I wasn't feeling too well so I didn't stay long. On my way home I thought I was going to puke so I pulled the car over. I ended up blacking out in the drivers seat on the side of the road for an unknown amount of time. Being the responsible adult that I am, I drove myself to the emergency room. They ran a million tests and came up with only the same results as friday. Iron level is dangerously low, folate level is way too high and two IV bags of fluids can really cure anything.

Random fact #6 - When a cause for fainting can not be found, roll onto your stomach and be prepared for a rectal exam. Yes I said rectal exam.

If you thought the rectal exam was not enough fun for the day.... Chase's hospital called to tell me that he had been raging, brought to the seclusion room and had to be sedated. Discharge on wednesday is less of a possibility now.

Monday - My arms look like a heroin user. I am a human pin-cushion. Not cute.

So there. I wonder what today will bring.

jumbled updates

Tons of random recent facts/updates in my jumbled up head

• More tweaking of Chase's meds have him aggitated and his sleep cycle is all over the place
• My mom is in China and won't be back for another week. I miss her like crazy.
• REAL pumpkin patches all close at 5pm. Aimee was VERY disappointed
• I sometimes wonder if I missed my calling as a housekeeper...or maybe the bleach from the bathroom floor is just making me loopy
• Pets are fantastic. Until they piss all over your sons room and you can't seem to get the smell out despite your best efforts.
• Little brothers are like pets. But they don't piss on the floor when they are mad. They just boycott household chores and leave their dirty socks all over the house to "make a statement".
• Mobile Response Team (MRT) is spread too thin in the bay area. Sometimes they can't respond at all which leaves families like ours with few other options. Scary
• Chase is really picking up on his reading skills all of the sudden. Woohoo!
• There is this guy....

homework and dating

We are hanging in there. Chase is definetly struggling but he hasn't been raging. His IEP is on wednesday. The main issue I want to address is the amount of homework he gets and his punishments at school if he doesn't complete it. He generally has about 2 pages of spelling/writing and 2 pages of math and has to read for 20 minutes. As ANY parent of a bipolar child can probably tell you, there are good days and bad. Days where his homework gets done with no problem and days when he can't focus or even complete a single page. The teacher is great but has been really hard on him about his homework. He tries, we try, its not as if we are just too lazy to sit with him and work on it for an hour. So if ONE night a week or so it doesn't all get completed I think the teacher needs to understand that. Instead, he gets bad marks the next day, has to stay in for recess AND comes home the next night with the missed homework and the new homework. Imagine Chase opening his homework folder and seeing 7 pages of work that needs to be completed. Thats overwhelming for any 8 year old, even neurotypical ones. Ok I'm done ranting. Maybe.

On another note, I decided not to let my A$$hole exboyfriend ruin my outlook on love or relationships. So I've gone on a few dates with a few different guys. Having gone from a 10 year relationship directly into another relationship left me as a 28 year old that has never gone on a REAL first date. So I decided to jump out of my comfort zone and go on some dates! Dating is funny though. If the date is crappy, you end up with a silly story to tell your friends about being so bored that you ordered a Cosmo and laughed at the guy when he had a panic attack about bird poop on his car. And if its wonderful, you come home with butterflies in your stomach like I did last night...

Reunion

I am so thankful for your kind words and support through this crappy time. Thankfully this "crappy time" has NOTHING to do with Chase. The kids are doing great.



I'm really hurt by what the A$$ did to me but I've been through worse. I can get through this.



I went to the casual night of my high school reunion last night. It was nice to see old friends and even people that I didn't talk to in high school. I feel like the oddball with my career being in probation while so many others are involved in computers or business. And so many people in my class smoke cigarettes! Yuck. After watching my dad die of lung cancer, smoking pretty much makes me want to vomit. The "cool" people still stuck with the "cool" people but I didn't have any interest in chatting with them anyway.



Tonight is the actual reunion where there should be a much higher turnout. We have to wear name tags and everything.



There are definetly some people from high school that I would like to get together with and keep in contact with.



I'm going to enjoy my day off and play with the kiddos.

cheater

No more boyfriend. Once again I have been cheated on and torn apart.

slacker

I feel like a slacker for not posting as much as I used to. Life is always busy and when I get in bed and start to turn on my laptop, I generally change my mind and go to sleep.

Chase is still stable and happy. We went out on the boat this weekend but Chase decided not to go. I was disappointed, but he does everything on his OWN time. His meds are stable and he isn't raging. I know I'm repeating myself when I say that I can't imagine a better summer. I am in awe of the last few months.

Tomorrow I will be house hunting with my boyfriend. I think under any other circumstances, we'd be looking into moving in together but I really don't want to rush things and my house isn't big enough for him and his son. So when we move in together (eventually) we will need a bigger house.

Time for sleep.... goodnight everyone.