Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.

harry potter and tire-swings

Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.

The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.

Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?

Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.

I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.

On edge...

Chase is on edge. We are on edge. He is easily irritated, quickly angered and just plain mean. I called Mobile Response Team (MRT) and due to budget cuts, there is not enough staff to come out to the house unless we are currently in a crisis. Ironically if we WERE in crisis, the team would be responding from so far away that they couldn't help anyway.

I am thankful that Chase is not being violent and is not a danger to himself or others at this point. My mom is available to take Aimee if things escalate. If things don't settle down, this may be another FMLA weekend. Just what we need...more unpaid time off so we can dig our hole even deeper.

As far as SSI and SSDI is concerned, I've applied. We don't qualify due to my income. I've thought about fighting it but can't find anyone to help me fight it without requiring a huge retainer. We applied for Medi-Cal again for Chase. I want to make sure that I have things in place for when the state cuts off funding through the school district for mental health services. I know from past experience that my "share of cost" would be about $3000/month. Probably not worth it but I may as well keep our "benefits" active just in case.

That's all for today, time to start cooking dinner.

mistake

With everything that our family has gone through, there are a few things I really pride myself on as a mother.

1. My children have never heard me speak poorly of their father. As far as they are aware, Daddy and Mommy are friends but just not together anymore.
2. I never discuss finances in front of the kids. (Adult finances)
3. My children will never doubt that I love them and would do anything for them.

Today I made a mistake. A big one. Ok maybe a few.

Little brother Kevin asked me for spending money. In a moment of stress and frustration, I told him that as of Jan 18 our water and PG&E will be turned off, so NO I have no spending money for him. Then I turn around and see my son's wide eyes as he sat on the stair behind Kevin. Chase takes on any stress for the family and will literally lose sleep over it. That is why I am so careful, until today.

As I was tucking him into bed, he cried with worry about the power and water being turned off. Then I lied. I lied to my son. Its one of those little white lies right? I told Chase that I just said that because I didn't want to give Kevin any money that he would waste on video games. What I wasn't aware of was that he heard me on the phone with PG&E trying to negotiate with them so they don't shut it off. So now he knows I lied.

Things have been financially tight since deadbeat dad took off and then got fired from his job. I don't talk about it much because its embarrassing. But now my pay got cut because I work for the county and we are getting 2 furlough days per month AND they screwed with our insurance premium and copays. I want to be angry at my ex for not helping with his children. Instead I just end up feeling like a failure as a parent to provide for my children. And what happens when the water and power are actually shut off? No lying my way out of that one when Chase asks what happened.

I'm sure I could probably call my mom and she'd help and then make sure that I feel even more like crap. I'm going to put it out of my head until monday and just enjoy the weekend with my kids. Tomorrow would be my dad's 73rd birthday.