mistake

With everything that our family has gone through, there are a few things I really pride myself on as a mother.

1. My children have never heard me speak poorly of their father. As far as they are aware, Daddy and Mommy are friends but just not together anymore.
2. I never discuss finances in front of the kids. (Adult finances)
3. My children will never doubt that I love them and would do anything for them.

Today I made a mistake. A big one. Ok maybe a few.

Little brother Kevin asked me for spending money. In a moment of stress and frustration, I told him that as of Jan 18 our water and PG&E will be turned off, so NO I have no spending money for him. Then I turn around and see my son's wide eyes as he sat on the stair behind Kevin. Chase takes on any stress for the family and will literally lose sleep over it. That is why I am so careful, until today.

As I was tucking him into bed, he cried with worry about the power and water being turned off. Then I lied. I lied to my son. Its one of those little white lies right? I told Chase that I just said that because I didn't want to give Kevin any money that he would waste on video games. What I wasn't aware of was that he heard me on the phone with PG&E trying to negotiate with them so they don't shut it off. So now he knows I lied.

Things have been financially tight since deadbeat dad took off and then got fired from his job. I don't talk about it much because its embarrassing. But now my pay got cut because I work for the county and we are getting 2 furlough days per month AND they screwed with our insurance premium and copays. I want to be angry at my ex for not helping with his children. Instead I just end up feeling like a failure as a parent to provide for my children. And what happens when the water and power are actually shut off? No lying my way out of that one when Chase asks what happened.

I'm sure I could probably call my mom and she'd help and then make sure that I feel even more like crap. I'm going to put it out of my head until monday and just enjoy the weekend with my kids. Tomorrow would be my dad's 73rd birthday.

rant..errrr....vent

Without ranting...ok maybe just a little ranting (but lets call it venting.)

Talked to my exhusband/baby daddy/deadbeat tonight on the phone to make plans for Christmas. He is coming over on Christmas day while I'm at work but will be supervised by his own father, Rick. Would you believe that he had the nerve to TELL ME that I should read a book about the harms of psychotropic medications on todays society! There are so many things wrong with that statement that I need to make a darned list.

1. The only book I've ever seen him read was the trivia book while he sat on the toilet.
   
2. I am fully aware and knowledgable of the harms of these medications.
   
3. Chase's options at this point are as simple as can be. Medication with side effects and unknown long term outcome OR Mania Depression Suicide Homocide Abuse Trauma Institutionalization Psychosis
   
4. During all the years that I took Chase to tons of doctors and begged deadbeat to join me, he always just said I could handle it alone
   
5. I have suggested and offered to loan him at least 20 books about his sons mental illness but he has never opened up a single book

Ok my sleep meds are kicking in. To end this post on a good note, I spent the day with Chase and couldn't be prouder to say that I'm his mommy.

deadbeats and blood

So I went out of my way (and my comfort zone) to be the "bigger person" this week. I had the kids send birthday cards with recent photos to their father/sperm donor/deadbeat. I thought if anything, it might encourage him to pick up the phone and call his children to thank them. Nope. Wrong. He didn't call. And then today Chase started getting worried that he never GOT the cards so I let him call. Wrong again. Bad idea. Its been 7 months since he has seen his children, held their hands, seen their smiles. Makes me sick. And to know that he is missing out on the most stable period so far in Chase's entire life.....pathetic.

Ok I'm done on that little rant. For now!

Chase's sleep issues are getting worse but I think part of that is the weather. I hope. Its something we will have to discuss at the doc this week. He takes hours to fall asleep and then sleeps perfectly until about 5am. I might do some experimenting this summer with Chase's bedtime. :::crossing fingers::::

I donated blood today. It felt good to do it and to explain to Chase why it is important. I feel like he learned a lot at the blood bank today and was even just a *tad* bit proud that HIS mom was brave and donating. I need to get back into the routine of doing things like this. Makes me feel proud and teaches my children important lessons about caring for others.

Time for sleep. Work tomorrow. yay.

impending doom

Sometimes I have myself convinced that Chase is a normal hyper boy whose life has been shaped by an unstable mother and a dad with anger management issues. And that the divorce and health state of grandpa brought on the increases of the rages and the depression, hence the hospitalizations.

But then I get a call from the school bus. Chase went into some weird state where he stopped listening to real people and started listening to the ones in his head. When a teacher tried to bring him back to reality, she got punched in the face. So now he is suspended from the bus until wednesday which means he stays home today (tuesday). He sure doesn't see that as a punishment.

And at school I got a call from Barbara, the Social worker/Case Manager / Therapist that works with Chase everyday. She was concerned. The teacher called her because Chase was acting strange and complaining of a headache in the classroom. Barbara took Chase to her office where he laid down on the floor and told her that the voices were starting to quiet down. When she asked about the voices, he said they have been loud all day in his head and making him feel like his head would explode. After a while, he said he felt better and that he could return to class.

No major issues in the classroom.

I'm nervous about the IEP. In the last week I have been told that his school may not be the right fit and that he might need a more intense therapeutic program. And now with the bus suspensions I'm nervous about what they want the plan to be.

Eh, gotta sleep though. Goodnight.

here i go

I finally have a minute to sit and "reflect" on the last few days. I want to puke. Is that a bad sign?

So wednesday night I think I posted that Chase raged. Nothing horrible.

Thursday morning Chase raged. Aimee and I were both victims of his anger. MRT responded to the house. Jared even came over to "save the day." Things calmed down. MRT left. Jared left (for his busy life with NO JOB.)

Later, I brought the kids over to the Nanny's house so I could get some rest before my graveyard shift. Less than an hour later, the nanny calls. Chase is raging and busted her in the face with his own head. She's bleeding.

On my way to get Chase, I called MRT. Chase was winding down when I got there but started up again soon after we got home. Aimee stayed with the nanny.

Jared came and picked up Chase just in time for me to get to work. (Did I mention he has no JOB?!?!)

I went to work with NO sleep. One of the longest shifts of my life. Got off work and before I could even get home, he calls and is ready to drop Chase off. So I couldn't sleep after work either. But again, HE HAS NO JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very confused as to what he is so darned busy with.

Either way, I hadn't slept since Wednesday night.

Finally on friday night I have the opportunity to sleep. But as luck would have it, Aimee is sick and has the cold from hell. Low fever but a bad cough that is keeping her up ALL night long. She stayed in my bed and neither of us slept. No rages from Chase though.

Saturday morning (this morning) I am a mess at work. I look like hell, feel like hell and probably smell like a$$ since I couldn't even shower.

BUT guess where I am right now?!?!?!? MY BED! So as much as I say I don't sleep, me and my Ambien CR are going to give it a shot.

pics

We had a little birthday thing for Chase at my mom's house last night. It was a relaxing night.

Today was good. Tonight Chase raged. He kicked me in the back but other than that, it was much shorter, quieter and less violent than any other rages. Then he fell asleep before 7pm.

Also...Jared got denied for unemployment because he got fired. There goes any hope for child support anytime soon. He also gave up on taking Chase. Go figure.

custody

Today has been rough. Due to work, I haven't seen Chase since sunday and I miss him like crazy. I'll see him tomorrow though. I speak with him on the phone 3-4 times/day. Today I spoke briefly with his doctor and got very upset.

She said "ideally Chase would leave here and be transported directly to a residential treatment center. Since that isn't realistic based on the county moving slowly, we are looking at other discharge options. Chase might go stay with his dad for a while when he leaves?" WTF?!?!?!?!

After Jared got fired, he suggested that Chase stay with him for a while. I'd love some honest opinions here.

• I have sole physical and joint legal custody of both kids.
• Up until 2 weeks ago, Jared had never met any of Chase's doctors.
• Jared has no job.
• Jared lives in another county with his mom. All county services would end until he could get some through the other county.
• Jared stays half the time with his girlfriend in Brentwood. Not a consistent living situation.
• The county is about to freeze his bank account and take a good part of any unemployment, to pay child support because Jared refuses to take care of his children's financial needs.
• Jared has no income to pay medical bills for Chase, or even feed him.
• Jared is mean to Chase.
• The latest psychological testing done by the hospital showed evidence of abandonment and self esteem issues directly related to Jared.
• Jared constantly goes against doctors suggestions regarding violent tv shows and video games for Chase.
• Chase would lose his placement at his current special day school.
• I am currently dealing with a social worker about possibly filing a CPS resport on Jared regarding Aimee.

Am I nuts for thinking that Chase living with his dad is completely unacceptable for a child in this situation? I know that I need to keep Aimee safe, but I'm confident that with the new nanny and all of the support of family and friends, Aimee would be taken care of if Chase is unstable. Chase being at home is clearly not the solution. But until a better solution is presented to us, we will have to make it work. With the new wrap around services and MRT, we have a better chance that we did even 2 months ago.

Please either email me or comment with your brutally honest opinions. Ravenbug88@yahoo.com

Happy Birthday Chase!

Chase turned 7 today. For some reason, 7 seems so much older than 6. I think despite being in the hospital, he had a good birthday. The staff and kids made a huge deal out of his birthday, even making him presents and a cake. Jared and I visited Chase together and we were able to sit outside with him while he opened some presents. I'm proud that Jared and I could be there together for an hour with Chase without being cranky with each other. Chase needs us to be nice to each other (even if it means faking it.)

Chase is doing a *tiny* bit better. No rages or quiet room. Still unstable but I think the Abilify is making some difference. I also got the two previous discharge summaries from the middle two hospitalizations. Both are consistent and say he has Mood Disorder NOS but the symptoms appear to be Bipolar. Whatever that means. I know that they are conservative in the hospital to call him bipolar so young. I don't really care, as long as he gets the help he needs.

Aimee wore herself out at Chuck E Cheese again today. She loves that place. I love that its free to get in and that Aimee is VERY conservative with her tokens. A little cup of tokens could last her 2 hours.

Ok I'm getting tired and should try to get some sleep. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes for Chase.

jumbled thoughts

Another of the same. Chase spent the day lashing out at everyone. His dad didn't show up to the appointment with Chase's therapist. Surprise.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back....
1. Spoke with the head of the special education dept of the school district. She seems to be in agreement with residential.
2. Linda, the Kaiser case manager is meeting with me in the morning to "steamroll" this thing into place.
3. Marilyn, Chase's therapist with AB 3632, doesn't see residential as the next step and attributes a lot of the issues to the recent divorce. Oh and she's met Chase TWO times!

Relaxed night at work. Only 8 kids on the unit so we just hung out and watched Madagascar 2.

Wednesday:
Get Aimee to preschool with her bathing suit and towel. Its water play day!!!
9am appt with Kaiser case manager and wraparound coordinater dude
11am, go home to sleep.
Wake up, go see my daddy
Get Aimee, bring her to nanny
Go visit Chase

I don't have much time with Aimee tomorrow but she will have a blast and will be with me all day on thursday.

I'm done. I'm in a mood where I could ramble for hours, but I'll spare you.

Jared

Jared got fired. So much for Child Support. Thats great.

long one

First things First.... As of today, I am officially divorced according to the state. The last 6 months have gone by so fast. There is other stuff that I have to say on this subject, but I've got to censor myself since this is supposed to be about Chase, not me.

Other stuff:

-I really like Chase's social worker from the hospital. Her name is Julie and she has a fantastic accent. Its something from Europe but not French, Spanish or British. She calls me everyday and answers all of the questions I have.

-The hospital only has 6 kids and the same amount of staff as the other hospital. Thats good for Chase.

-Chase can call me whenever he wants (except during groups or therapy)

-Chase has his own room. At John Muir, he had multiple peer conflicts with his roommates, partially due to the fact that he was so much younger than the other children.

-The doctors listen to my concerns and take them seriously. They have already significantly decreased Chase's meds.

-In the next week or so, he will be having psychological and neurological testing. That way we will have a more complete picture of what is going on in Chase's brain. John Muir never offered this to us.

-Overall, he is behaving better this time. Of course it could be based on the fact that he knows what to expect and that he is rewarded for good behavior.

I feel good about this hospitalization. I see the last experience in the hospital as a sort of crisis intervention. This time, we know what the problems are, we know what the plan is to help Chase and we have a plan in place for when he comes home.

Time for me to start getting stuff done around here before I meet with his intensive outpatient doc this afternoon....