Work

Work work work. And more work. I'll update about chase when I have time off. Like next Wednesday?

baseline

I started noticing something good. Chase does have rages. The rages are scary. He's raging about 2x/week. BUT when he's not raging, he is doing remarkably well. He is patient and just his normal silly self. That is his baseline. When he isn't doing well, he hardly ever makes it back to his baseline. Right now he is LIVING in his baseline except for a rage here and there. Beautiful.

Today was my friday at work. Yay for wednesdays! Goodnight.

Feet and chocolate

I don't have a lot to say tonight. Chase had a great day at school and home. I don't remember if I posted about saturday night.... Chase raged and I took the brunt of his anger. The level of violence was terrifying.

All I want is a foot massage. And chocolate. Perfect combination.

Pics and the usual

Things are going ok today. Chase had a good day at school and I got some quality time with my boyfriend. My allergies are eating me alive! I feel like one giant ball of snot. Sexy.

Chase's insomnia is pretty bad but we've tried all the usual sleep meds. Nothing really helps. Benedryl might help a little. All the other ones that are stronger really don't work for Chase. Haldol, clonidine, ambien, seroquel. Ugh. Been there done that. That is one part of his genetics that REALLY take after me. Stupid insomnia.

Attaching some pics that I finally got off my iphone. Enjoy.

This is a pic of Aimee after she dug through Chase's swim bag. Goggles and flipflops. And jammies. Aimee loves Sara so much. And I'm sure Sara loves her...but......

Chase at the Disneyland Hotel pool. Looking cool.

Showing off the new ears and light saber.

Sitting in the "A" of the California Adventures sign. Nice and comfy until some weird tourist people needed to take a picture with every single letter.

school concerns

Awesome visit with Chase's Grandpa Rick. BUT Chase only came with us because once again he raged when the bus came. I was going to take him to school but then he fell asleep on the floor. I am starting to see a pattern finally!

Not enough sleep or restless sleep--->exhausted Chase--->irritable Chase--->rage--->good sleep

I have obvious concerns about him missing school for this stuff. But I have more concerns on days like today that when I drive him to school, he will rage right away and get sent home anyway. I'm just tired of him hurting people at school during his rages. Any opinions are welcome.

today

Chase had a better day today. Great at school, and a mellow evening. Tomorrow is a new day, and who knows which Chase will wake up.

Tomorrow Kevin and I are going to Yuba City to spend the day with Rick (Kevin and Jared's dad).

rage

While I was at work today, Chase raged. Twice. He busted the light in his room (in the ceiling). I'll update more tomorrow.

Gossip, nicknames and stability

I think the verdict from my previous post is: (dun dun dun) He was getting a cold and his body was trying to fight it off. Phew. Didn't see anymore signs of depression. Thank goodness.

Another fun day with Chase. I am in awe of each and every stable moment. Which means I'm standing there with my mouth hung open looking like an idiot a lot. Chase is helpful, patient, silly, reasonable, hyper, friendly and one of the best judges of his stability is that he is PLAYING with Aimee. When he's cycling, Aimee can't even look at him without Chase getting irritated. Today they spent hours playing together. I think the nasty bipolar bug that takes over our lives is hiding outside. Stay there.

As far as everything else, I'm really struggling with my own personal issues. I know this blog is about Chase but its also the only real therapy I get (besides Howie the dog.)

Work is really hard. The "inmates" are irritating but they are the least of my worries there. I can DO my job and don't get stressed over it anymore. But coworkers can be so mean and hurtful. I keep having coworkers asking me if I'm pregnant. They know d*&med well that I'm not. They also spend so much time judging others that I give up on really feeling comfortable with them. According to the gossip from my coworkers since my divorce, I will have sex with any guys I work with. And I do it at work according to the gossip. Only one word comes to mind: Ewww. I try to remember that people just gossip because they are bored, but I do take it personal. And coworkers even gossip to the inmates about me. I am so far from being the person they think I am. But they are just lame, and I know who I am.

I'm also worried because I continue to gain weight and there is no reason that I can think of. And with a recovering anorexic, that really screws with my head.

I keep finding myself with my phone in my hand to call my dad. He's been gone nearly 6 months and I still do it. Tonight while tucking Chase into bed, I realized that all the nicknames my dad called me, I call Chase. Never noticed. "Punkin. Kiddo. Sleepyhead." I can still smell him remember the feel of his skin. I can still remember his voice and the good advice he always gave. I remember his pet peeves and his short temper. I remember going to work with him and him being patient while I asked a million questions. I am so lucky to have those memories. I can only hope to be half the parent that my dad was to me.

I really appreciate everyone's comments on my blog. I love that my words can bring comfort or acceptance to anyone. All the mom's that have bipolar children are courageous and admirable. I think we are all chosen to raise these special children.

That's it for now folks. Its a teensy bit past my bedtime.

No school

I've been pretty busy lately. This morning was pretty odd though. Chase was happy and ready for school, even finished EVERY BIT of his homework without mistakes! And then the bus gets here. He decides he doesn't want to go to school. I encouraged him to get on the bus. He got on and then started pounding on the windows to let him out. Of course the bus driver opened the door and Chase came flying out and into the house. The bus left. Chase kept crying and saying he wouldn't go to school. He didn't tell me why. Within about 3 minutes, he had fallen asleep on the couch. At that point I could have driven him to school but something was wrong and falling asleep at 7am-12pm is not normal for Chase. So he's awake now but pretty lethargic.

This could be one of three things.
1. He isn't feeling well and/or didn't sleep enough
2. Something really upset him at school and he forgot about it until he was about to leave (doubtful since he's had an amazing week so far and he's very proud of his progress)
3. Depression is cycling around....

If he doesn't go to school tomorrow and sleeps all day, we are going to the doc. He hasn't had a med change and isn't sick.

Mother's day

Whatever prayers you all are praying....God is listening. Chase is proof of that. He is stable and we are enjoying every minute of it. Back to school tomorrow.

Flag Football is coming and I will be signing Chase up!

Happy Mothers Day everyone! I hope all of your days were awesome.

Part Two

We've been home for 24 hours now. Our trip was amazing/ exhausting/ surprising/ relaxing/ fun/ frusterating etc etc. I'm really glad to be home despite going back to work. Chase really enjoyed Disneyland and Legoland.

A few more bits of wisdom from our trip:

*Legoland is really only fun for kids from about ages 3 to 6. If you are going to spend a lot of money, do it at Disneyland and NOT Legoland.
*A Guest Assistance Pass is easy to get at Disneyland with documentation from a doctor and/or medication bottles with side effects listed.
*Many of the rides can make adjustments for your sensory sensitive child. There are some play guns that are very loud on the Jungle Cruise. Make sure to ask the staff not to use them.
*Identify sensitivities and triggers before going to disneyland.
*Research each ride regarding those triggers. (Had I done so, we never would have gone on Indiana Jones and avoided complete panic)

A few thoughts on the Discovery Health program that features our family:

*The rages, aggression and violence are real for us. They are not constant by any means, but when things are bad...they stay that way for days at a time. One escalation to another.
*My daughter, Aimee, is removed from the situation when Chase becomes violent. She either is taken out of the house or goes to her room and shuts her door.
*The part where I am talking about his first episode of psychosis is kinda cheesy. The video of the car in the rain was weird and I didn't know they would do that.
*All of the families in the show are necessary and pinpoint a different aspect of bipolar children.
*Each child in the show was adopted or not being raised by their birth parents, except Chase. That was not mentioned.
*Chase was interviewed during the taping but it wasn't used.
*I sound a lot braver and logical in the show than I am in real life.
*I think I make physically handling Chase look easier than it really is. On that one particular day I was covered in bite marks and bruises from head to toe.

The show was real and raw and didn't sugar coat anything. Yes, it was missing pieces of the entire story but it would be impossible to cover everything in only one hour. The producers were both amazing and had the best intentions. They still email and check on Chase. Their goal was the same as mine. They intended to open up a discussion and begin to raise awareness to mental illness in children.

I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow will be rough at work and I need to at least be rested. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers that carry a burden that often seems too heavy. Keep going. You are stronger than you know.

Part One + Pics

I wanted to make sure that I posted a few pics before I forget.

This is Chase and I on a ride that he really enjoyed at Legoland. Chase and Uncle Kevin while getting ready to get on Pirates of the Carribean
Chase with Mickey

Chase after a few hours of walking at California Adventures. We were trying to eat lunch...

Chase posed in front of Mickey Mouse at our hotel.

TV TV TV

What a nightmare it is to know that your family is on TV and not have the ability to even watch the program. I'm sitting here knowing that thousands of people are seeing MY family and I feel dumb for not planning the show into our trip. Ok that's my little rant.

oh and i'm hearing that it may be portraying bipolar in a negative light, focusing only on rage and agression.... I'm ready to strangle someone if I can't see for myself.

Chase went to Jedi Training!

We went to Disneyland again today. Chsae participated in Star Wars Jedi Training and was even chosen to fight against Darth Maul. He was so excited and totally proud of his "skills."

Disneyland wisdom

I don't have any words to describe this trip so far. Ok I lied. I ALWAYS have words.

The ride from the bay area to L.A. was uneventful.... in our family, uneventful=great. Chase slept for most of the ride and when he wasn't asleep he was peaceful and curious about our surroundings.

Things I have learned from this trip (after 36 hours):

*Wasps are attracted to rental cars. Especially the inside of the car.
*A 7 year old can count to 200 without getting bored.
*Crayons+Rental Car = BAD
*When motivated, Chase can carry his own body weight.
*When not motivated, Chase can't even carry a soda.
*Cheap and casual places to eat are hard to come by at Downtown Disney.
*Breakfast with Disney characters is expensive. Its a trap.
*Goofy gets upset when you are on a cell phone. He will mimic you on the phone until you get off.
*Do not sit in the front on the Splash Mountain ride when there are heavy people in the back of the boat.
*Bring an extra shirt and bra in case you get stuck in the front on Splash Mountain. See above.
*Indiana Jones ride is too scary for an anxious kid.
*Food is expensive. Period.
*It does not feel good to get hit in the face with a light-saber. Even on accident.
*Cinderella can be creepy. Does she have to talk like she's singing?
*Eating on the monorail is a HUGE no-no. Oops.
*Toilet seat covers will stick to your bottom if you sit on them while slightly wet from Splash Mountain.
*The Star Tours ride is the best ride ever according to Chase.
*I have an amazing son. When he laughs, it will trigger happiness in those around him.

Thats all the wisdom I have so far. We did get a disability pass without any problem but only used it twice. The park wasn't busy today at all so we mostly stood in the regular lines. We are all wiped out. Tomorrow is LEGOLAND. Then thursday we will be at Disneyland and California Adventures. No rages. Just a little whiny when hot or hungry. Pretty normal for any 7 year old. Most of the time we only see a giant smile.

I am so blessed.

12 hours

12 hours until we hit the road for Disneyland. We are all excited. Now if only I could figure out where WE are going to watch the Discovery Health show that Chase is on. They don't have that channel at the Disneyland Hotel.

Chase's rollercoaster

Chase likes to read a book called My Bipolar Rollercoaster. I love this book. (There are many similar books on amazon.com. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is that I sometimes wonder at what point we jumped on the darned rollercoaster. I would be content to run along side Chase on his rollercoaster as he went up and down. But somewhere in the middle, I jumped on. My mood/life/experiences correspond directly to Chase's position on his rollercoaster. Did I choose to jump on? Am I leaving my daughter behind to protect her? Heck if I know....

Also, just FYI... I got rid of my facebook. I found myself getting too wrapped up in it. I just realized that the people that even matter in my life don't need to read a "status update" to see how I'm doing.

Countdown to Disneyland...30 hours to go!