vacuum

Today was 100% hectic. Doctors all morning and then home.

I vacuumed downstairs 4 times. Yes, I said FOUR times! The kids (including Kevin) were in and out of the house all day.

Chase was in a great mood for most of the day. Unfortunately it ended with Chase having a big argument with his best friend. At some point, they both hit each other. Neither kid were hurt but I think both were shaken up.

I guess its bound to happen when you have two bipolar kids as best friends. Wouldn't trade it for anything. The boys need each other and somehow seeing another child's struggle reminds me what is the "illness" and what is just Chase being Chase.

5 Months and pics

Tonight I realized that Chase has been out of the hospital for over 5 months! Woohoo!! His rages are less often and when he does rage, his violence is directed at THINGS and not PEOPLE. That is huge for us. We also haven't needed to call MRT in about a month.

Now if only I could get my insomnia under control. By the time I finally fall asleep, my kids are ready to get up!

update

Guess its time for updates since I haven't posted in nearly a week.

Chase came home from Yuba City on Christmas Eve. He had a great time while he was there but was happy to come home. We tweaked his nightime dosage of Clonidine and he seems to be sleeping a bit better.

Aimee is the whiniest child ever! (not sure the spelling, but its pronounced Whine-e-ist) But when she isn't whining, she's hilarious and finally learning to speak so that others can understand her.

Christmas was bittersweet. The kids had a blast. They got a *tad* spoiled by family, friends and Santa. But my first Christmas without my dad was really hard.

I think that I'm finally starting to get back to normal (if I ever really am "normal").

Yesterday I turned 28. Why does that seem so much closer to 30 than 27 did?!?!?

After a whole night of asthma and breathing problems, I finally called the doc on my birthday morning. They made me go to the Emergency Room. After the best ER visit ever, I went home feeling a lot better and with new prescriptions. I've been breathing fine since. Doc doesn't know what triggered it since I'm not sick or anything. I'm supposed to go back to see my doc sometime later this week, but with my track record at follow up appointments.....

Then my boyfriend took me to Sacramento for the afternoon/evening. I enjoyed myself despite the gloomy weather. Tons of food, window shopping and having fun.

That's about it for now. Glad the holidays are nearly over. 2010 here we come!

eve

I don't really have anything to post right now. Merry Christmas Eve Eve...

Yuba City

Chase is still in Yuba City. Its so quiet around here without him. I keep having to remind myself to enjoy the calm but I miss my lil man. (Remind me that I said that when he's driving me nuts in a few days!)

Dogs?

I'm missing Chase like crazy. He's having a great time with Rick and is having no behavioral problems. Makes me wonder if everything is my fault.

Aimee and I baked cookies tonight. We had a blast dancing in the kitchen while the cookies were baking.

I'm getting really attached to this silly dog, Sara. She's amazing with the kids and really mellows out Chase. She's one of Ricks FIVE dogs. Even my mom loves her. I'm seriously considering keeping her. Am I nuts?

I don't really feel like writing anything else.

Ashes to Ashes

A few updates before its time for my "therapy."

Chase went with Rick, Uncle Kevin and Uncle Adam to Yuba City for the week. He comes home on tuesday. I'm so happy that they did this for him. Chase does so well when he's one on one with an adult, especially a male. Rick is such a positive male role model for Chase. We are so blessed. Even my dad told Rick how thankful he is that Chase has him.

Aimee is spending the night at my mom's house for the first time in probably 8 months (since my dad got really sick.) My mom will watch her tomorrow when I go to work.

We decided on a place for my dad's memorial celebration and I think its perfect. Email me if you want details.

Therapy Time:

I was doing okay today. Even though I knew that today we would be spreading my dad's ashes, I was doing okay.

And then I walked in my mom's (and dad's?) house. I went into their room. Something was missing. No - Not my dad. That one is WAY too obvious. My dad's white velcro shoes were not sitting neatly next to the bed. As I looked around the room I realized that they were gone. I crumbled to the floor sobbing about some stupid velcro shoes. My mom came in and hugged me on the floor. She told me that she didn't get rid of the shoes, that she put them in his closet. That didn't help.

Please don't think I'm a freak that thinks everything should be left as it was, as if my dad will be walking through the front door. But I'm not ready for such a tangible sign that he is really gone.

Fast forward a few hours. We [immediate family] went out on the water somewhere on a floating vessel with my dad's ashes. As we poured them (very legally of course), into the water the song "Amazing Grace" was playing in the background. After the ashes were in the water (far far away in a legal spot) my mom put a bouquet of flowers in the water. It was done exactly as my dad had hoped. So where is this closure that everyone says comes with that moment....

If anyone knows of any bible verses that might help me right now, please send them my way. I'm in such a deep place that I don't even know where to look.

stuff

I miss my dad. So much. My mom is able to keep herself busy and masks her grief with "chores" and organizing the memorial celebration (scheduled for January 15). I find myself wondering what my dad would do or say about everything. So many times I end up laughing because I know what his responses would be. For example, I knocked my elbow on the table yesterday, HARD! He would have said, "What did you do that for? Better get some ice on it before it gets swollen and you can't move it!" Smart ass.

Good day

Seems as good a time as any to do my weekly update

Aimee

• Aimee is spending her days dressing her "babies" for different events. Cant leave the house in pajamas of course. Gotta put baby in a dress, etc etc. Super cute
  
• Aimee goes to preschool tomorrow but they have the Christmas show in the evening. Aimee really doesn't want to do it. Do I bring her anyway?
  
• We made sugar cookies today that turned into one big cookie the size of the cookie sheet. Still tasty!
  

Chase

• He is doing well. Incredible even. First basketball practice was a ton of fun. Chase was focused and smiled the entire time. We need to work on "chest passes" and dribbling technique. After the hour of practice, he wanted to stay! He would have practiced for another hour.
  
• Besides the daily homework struggles, Chase is doing well in school lately. The teacher says he's less aggressive and more willing to learn. Lots of fidgeting and whining, but those are minor things compared to past behaviors.
  
• Chase went to Grandma's house for the first time since Grandpa died. He looked into his room and started crying. My dad laid in the hospital bed in his room for 6 months and now it is empty. But we did find a little stuffed horse that Chase gave to grandpa to hold. Now he calls it the "Grandpa Horse"
  
• As much as I avoid talking about Jared...... Its very clear to me that his absence has made a huge difference in Chase's behavior. Chase is doing really well overall right now.
  

Everyone else

• Met with the investigator on my "case" at work. Good meeting and I feel like I can relax until I know what my punishment will be, if any.
  
• Great shift at work. The girls missed me.
  
• A true friend went above and beyond the "duties" as a friend. I've always known she'd be there for me. She has NEVER let me down. But what she did for me today went way beyond that. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
  
• Kevin and Rick are here and leave tomorrow night. That puts me in a bad spot for thursday night when I work my graveyard shift so I have to figure that out tomorrow.
  
• BUT it looks like they may come back here and take Chase back to Yuba City with them for a few days!!!!! It would be great for Chase and for me! Then I only need to worry about getting a babysitter for Aimee this weekend instead of both.
  
• I really am at peace with the loss of my father. But what exactly does that mean? Maybe I will elaborate on that thought on tomorrows blog.
  

Good night for now. Today was a good day.

nothing

Just wanted to say that I'm doing ok. However, I'm not in the mood to blog about anything. Back to work tomorrow.

Today

Mom, Dad and I skiing at about 5yrs old

My neice and nephew and my kiddos.

Today was harder than yesterday. Tonight I'm greiving with my mom, all curled up in bed.

Chase had a great week at school. I'm very proud of him.

Watched an episode of Dr. Phil about 2 bipolar girls and I have to say that I no longer will watch the show. He did an awful job trying to REALLY understand early onset bipolar disorder.

Going to bed now. Thank you for all of your prayers and kind words.

My dad is gone...

My daddy passed peacefully on Wednesday December 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. May he rest in peace. As much as I will always miss him, I'm so thankful that he's no longer hurting.

Grandpa

I know this blog is about Chase and all of our adventures with our little family. BUT right now, my life is about my father. My life as a mommy is on hold while my life as a daughter is in the forefront.

Last night Chase came to say goodbye to his grandpa. The hospice doctor told me that saying goodbye can leave a child with an easier grieving process. Being fragile already, I want the process to go as smoothly as possible for Chase.

What I saw when my son entered the room has left me with a whole new respect and awe as a Child of God.

Chase peeked his head in the room and saw grandpa sleeping in the bed. He walked right up to the side of the bed and held his hand. As clear as day, Chase said, "I love you Grandpa. With all my heart." And then he looked at their hands holding each other, let go, and wrapped both of his arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. Then he looked at me and said, "I'm ready to go now."

As we walked to the door, he put his hand on the handle and paused. I heard a sob escape from his little body and by the time we were out the door, he was sobbing and tears were rolling down his pink cheeks.

God blessed Chase with such intuition, compassion and heart.

Comfort

I'm sitting in the hospice house with my dad. Every moment is harder than the last. I've come to realize that peace can sometimes only come with comfort. I don't know how much longer he has in this world, but I do know that he will be comforted and peaceful when he leaves. Please pray for his comfort. And for peace for my mother.

sweet delirium and pics

After 24 hours of NO SLEEP, I'm happy to announce that today was a good day! (mostly)
I thought I'd add some pictures for your viewing pleasure, or maybe if you are just cranky and need to laugh at someone.

The two pics below were taken when Kevin (Lil bro) wanted me to wear the lines on my face like the football players. He didn't think I'd actually do it! But I got proof!
'

This next pic was taken of Chase on Thanksgiving. I'm usually pretty strict about dessert after dinner but my mom spoils Chase just a tad. Hence the cookie hanging out of his mouth before dinner.

And this last pic is the picture I sent to Termite and Pest Control. I guess they don't exterminate these kinds of pets. So they will have to just stay cuddled with me for a while. At least they defecate outside. Usually.

My dad is really confused and scared. He was in so much pain that they upped his methadone and morphine and now he's mentally a mess. Makes my heart ache.

Took the kids to take professional pics with their older cousins, Sam and Zach. The pics turned out great. We will be giving them to my parents for Christmas. But if you are nice, I'll scan them and post them. Chase is so photogenic and really knows how to "work it."

Obviously I'm doing better tonight. Maybe the delirium has set in from not sleeping.

Today

Today will be a good day. Chase was okay this morning and slept well last night. I have a sleepy day since I work my graveyard shift tonight. I need today to be a good day...

Too much

I am miserable today. Yesterday was awful. Issues with Jared and with my job. Big time issues with my job. Not sure what will happen.

Then last night I guess Kevin forgot to give Chase his meds. I got home from work at midnight and didn't sleep until about 2am because I was SO stressed. When I finally fell asleep, Chase was wide awake, woke up Aimee and wouldn't leave me alone. So about 1 hour of sleep last night. And to top it off, without his evening meds Chase was awful this morning. He was hyper and mean and moody. I was so happy when that bus came driving down the street...

Once again, bad mom award goes to Kristen.

phew

Chase had a great day at school and on the bus! One big sigh of relief. PHEW!

Tuesday (today) I will be calling his therapist to make an agreement for when/if Chase needs to be hospitalized. I think having a plan in place will make me feel better.

I went out on a date with my boyfriend tonight. We saw the movie, Precious. I'm not sure how the majority of my social group would feel about it, but it hit me pretty hard. I work with kids like Precious everyday. I know them, feel for them and care about them. Well most of them. There are some that are awful.

Working the 3-11 shift this evening. Guess I should try for more sleep.