Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.

sleep or lack of?

I keep trying to post pics but it isn't working from my laptop.

Nothing really new around here except I have a nasty cold. Chase's sleep is still not ok. Doc told us to try melatonin. No real improvement when given to him at bedtime. He FALLS asleep ok. Its the STAYING asleep that he isn't capable of! But since its a weekend, if he wakes up at 3 or 4am, I'm going to try to give him the melatonin at that time. Crossing fingers...

Tomorrow is Halloween. Hopefully I feel well enough to take Vampire and Minnie Mouse trick-or-treating. Otherwise Uncle Kevin will have a busy night while I hand out candy from the warm house.

deadbeats and blood

So I went out of my way (and my comfort zone) to be the "bigger person" this week. I had the kids send birthday cards with recent photos to their father/sperm donor/deadbeat. I thought if anything, it might encourage him to pick up the phone and call his children to thank them. Nope. Wrong. He didn't call. And then today Chase started getting worried that he never GOT the cards so I let him call. Wrong again. Bad idea. Its been 7 months since he has seen his children, held their hands, seen their smiles. Makes me sick. And to know that he is missing out on the most stable period so far in Chase's entire life.....pathetic.

Ok I'm done on that little rant. For now!

Chase's sleep issues are getting worse but I think part of that is the weather. I hope. Its something we will have to discuss at the doc this week. He takes hours to fall asleep and then sleeps perfectly until about 5am. I might do some experimenting this summer with Chase's bedtime. :::crossing fingers::::

I donated blood today. It felt good to do it and to explain to Chase why it is important. I feel like he learned a lot at the blood bank today and was even just a *tad* bit proud that HIS mom was brave and donating. I need to get back into the routine of doing things like this. Makes me feel proud and teaches my children important lessons about caring for others.

Time for sleep. Work tomorrow. yay.

Pics and the usual

Things are going ok today. Chase had a good day at school and I got some quality time with my boyfriend. My allergies are eating me alive! I feel like one giant ball of snot. Sexy.

Chase's insomnia is pretty bad but we've tried all the usual sleep meds. Nothing really helps. Benedryl might help a little. All the other ones that are stronger really don't work for Chase. Haldol, clonidine, ambien, seroquel. Ugh. Been there done that. That is one part of his genetics that REALLY take after me. Stupid insomnia.

Attaching some pics that I finally got off my iphone. Enjoy.

This is a pic of Aimee after she dug through Chase's swim bag. Goggles and flipflops. And jammies. Aimee loves Sara so much. And I'm sure Sara loves her...but......

Chase at the Disneyland Hotel pool. Looking cool.

Showing off the new ears and light saber.

Sitting in the "A" of the California Adventures sign. Nice and comfy until some weird tourist people needed to take a picture with every single letter.

school concerns

Awesome visit with Chase's Grandpa Rick. BUT Chase only came with us because once again he raged when the bus came. I was going to take him to school but then he fell asleep on the floor. I am starting to see a pattern finally!

Not enough sleep or restless sleep--->exhausted Chase--->irritable Chase--->rage--->good sleep

I have obvious concerns about him missing school for this stuff. But I have more concerns on days like today that when I drive him to school, he will rage right away and get sent home anyway. I'm just tired of him hurting people at school during his rages. Any opinions are welcome.

more stuff

I don't have much time/energy tonight. Chase is still in the hospital and Aimee is still coughing like crazy. Chase's blood pressure and pulse were really low yesterday so the Clonidine was discontinued. And without it, he slept from about 11pm until 2:30am. Not sure what their plan is at this point but Chase will not be home this week.

On a good note, Chase is sweet and loves playing board games during our visits. And he calls me constantly. Sometimes annoying, but makes me feel so loved.

5150 again

Chase is back in the hospital. Let me back up so you can understand this nightmare-ish week.

• Saturday - Chase raged/ran away
  
• Sunday - ok
  
• Monday - Good day but raged at night (window involved)
  
• Tuesday - Raged ALL morning. Calmed down, got on bus but was kicked off the bus nearly immediately. More violence. Hallucinations. MRT responded.
  
• Wednesday - Great morning. Great bus ride. Suspended from school by 9am. More hallucinations. Severe cycles plus psychosis. MRT responded.
  
• Thursday - Mania for 3 hours and then deep depression and sleep for 3 hours. Psychiatrist appointment. Two options. Hospitalization or Haldol (MAJOR antipsychotic med). Got Haldol. Still hallucinating but cycling slowed. Hallucinations/Night terrors
  
• Friday - Very confused and spacey. Lapses in memory. Strange behaviors. MRT responded. Climbed over 2nd story landing and started to jump. He stopped when he saw me. Was unaware that he was even near the landing (while leaning over it.) To the hospital. 5150'd and transported to the same hospital as before.

So thats a little summary. Chase is in the same hospital that he has been in 3 times before. We don't really have a game plan yet but will get started on medication adjustments tomorrow morning when his regular doctor gets there. He is doing ok. He feels better being there and knows he needs more help than he can get at home. Visits have been great yesterday and today. Very focused and good attention span.

Please pray for Chase.

I'm sleepy and going to cuddle with Aimee and then crawl into my bed. Good night.

Too much

I am miserable today. Yesterday was awful. Issues with Jared and with my job. Big time issues with my job. Not sure what will happen.

Then last night I guess Kevin forgot to give Chase his meds. I got home from work at midnight and didn't sleep until about 2am because I was SO stressed. When I finally fell asleep, Chase was wide awake, woke up Aimee and wouldn't leave me alone. So about 1 hour of sleep last night. And to top it off, without his evening meds Chase was awful this morning. He was hyper and mean and moody. I was so happy when that bus came driving down the street...

Once again, bad mom award goes to Kristen.

CPS visit

Sometimes I think I write in lists so I have an excuse not to write complete sentences. Here are some random fragmented thoughts from today:

1. Last night Aimee didn't sleep. 11pm-3am wide awake, loud, crying, yelling, talking and not letting Chase sleep. (In other words, I'm exhausted today)

2. Kevin and Rick left this morning. They left 2 of the puppies here to keep me entertained. Boo and Cocoa. Stupid rat dogs that I love to cuddle with....

3. CPS came to the house today to discuss the allegations against Jared. Jared CANNOT have visitations until the investigation is over. Wow. I'm a little shocked but not surprised. Oh and now what do I do on the weekends while I need to work?!?!

Between my constant headaches and sleep deprivation, I'm going to bed while trying not to cry. Overwhelmed.

NON day off

Chase had an ok day today. I had a rough day at work. I'm hoping tomorrow is better for the both of us. But sometimes I get overwhelmed with the constant therapies, sessions, doctors and groups.

Wednesday (My ONE day off):
6:45am Chase bus
8am Aimees Preschool
9-11am Wraparound Meeting (I am going to shorten it to 10am if he lets me)
11am Take Howie out to go potty at Mere's house
1pm Going to the IEP for Tamara's son, A.
3:30pm Chase's bus
4pm Pick up Aimee

Guess with all of this, its time for me to go to sleep.

sleep. lacking.

Can't sleep. I get the kids back from their dad today right after work. The plan is to then go to my parents house for our family dinner that we usually do on sundays. I'm praying that Chase's instability doesn't make my dad tense.

Sleep is so overated.

Sleep-talking

Chase had a decent day today. Even really good at bedtime. However, I'm sitting here at 10:30pm listening to him yell at someone in his room. I went in and tried to wake him and rub his back. We talked for a minute and then I went back to my room. Now, he's having a full conversation while slurring his words. Its strange, even for him!

3am! ugh...

Yes its 3am. Yes I'm awake.

Chase is doing really well. For me at least. He's been a pain in the neck for the nanny, but I really think she instigates a lot of the problems. And she isn't good at spreading out the homework throughout the evening.

Its about to be my "day off." Except I have a meeting at work at 3pm. Yay. Its about the changes on my unit. I'm thankful to have a job. I really am. But meetings on my day off are CRAZY and just plain mean.

running on nothing

Just wanted to type this up real quick. I'm running on NO sleep so don't expect a long one.

Chase is doing ok when with me for the last few days, but NOT well at school or with the Nanny. The nanny had to call MRT and even called me at work (which she usually doesn't do.)

So far this morning he has done all of his homework and practiced his spelling words. I pray his good day continues.

And Aimee's sleep issues are really wearing me down. Really.

Breakdown

Here's a little breakdown of todays "events"....

Work sucked. Nothing really happened, it just seemed to drag on forever.

Got home and Jared was already waiting outside my house to drop off the kids.

Chase and Aimee played out front for a few hours until Chase started to have a bunch of mini meltdowns.

Chase "accidentally" shut a door on Aimee's head. I was so upset that I called Jared.

Jared came and got Chase.

Aimee went to bed and then I fell asleep on the couch.

Jared called and said he was just going to keep Chase overnight.

I immediately got in bed at about 8:20pm (I know....I sound like I'm a 60yr old woman)

Now I'm wide awake with a restless 3 year old next to me.

here i go

I finally have a minute to sit and "reflect" on the last few days. I want to puke. Is that a bad sign?

So wednesday night I think I posted that Chase raged. Nothing horrible.

Thursday morning Chase raged. Aimee and I were both victims of his anger. MRT responded to the house. Jared even came over to "save the day." Things calmed down. MRT left. Jared left (for his busy life with NO JOB.)

Later, I brought the kids over to the Nanny's house so I could get some rest before my graveyard shift. Less than an hour later, the nanny calls. Chase is raging and busted her in the face with his own head. She's bleeding.

On my way to get Chase, I called MRT. Chase was winding down when I got there but started up again soon after we got home. Aimee stayed with the nanny.

Jared came and picked up Chase just in time for me to get to work. (Did I mention he has no JOB?!?!)

I went to work with NO sleep. One of the longest shifts of my life. Got off work and before I could even get home, he calls and is ready to drop Chase off. So I couldn't sleep after work either. But again, HE HAS NO JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very confused as to what he is so darned busy with.

Either way, I hadn't slept since Wednesday night.

Finally on friday night I have the opportunity to sleep. But as luck would have it, Aimee is sick and has the cold from hell. Low fever but a bad cough that is keeping her up ALL night long. She stayed in my bed and neither of us slept. No rages from Chase though.

Saturday morning (this morning) I am a mess at work. I look like hell, feel like hell and probably smell like a$$ since I couldn't even shower.

BUT guess where I am right now?!?!?!? MY BED! So as much as I say I don't sleep, me and my Ambien CR are going to give it a shot.

yuck

insomnia blows...

sleep

Cant sleep. Again. But my body is so tired...

Day of CRAP

Today was shitty. The only highlight of the day was watching Aimee shake her booty while she was brushing her teeth.

1. Played with Aimee until she went to preschool.
2. Had a meeting with the wraparound guy and the kaiser case manager. No one wants to pay for residential. They think that with the right amounts of behavior modification, they can mold chase into an angel. HA! They also said I should put plywood all over the walls and window of Chases room, put a lot on the outside and make it a quiet room. CPS would love to call THAT abuse! Won't dare to do it.
4. Mini breakdown...
5. TRIED to take a nap. Haven't been sleeping good at night (obviously, since its 4am.)
6. Went to see my dad. Gave him a spongebath
7. Visited Chase. Another kid was raging so there was no one to talk to about Chase.
8. On the way out, the head nurse asked me "Is Chase the same at home as he is here? The rages?" and I said yes. Then she said "How do you do ANYTHING when he's home with you? I've never seen a kid with such a severe case" Gee...there went my sunshine.

Ok I think thats it for tonight.

film

Time for my usual "middle of the night" post.....

Aimee had her last day of Vacation Bible School. She had a blast. After VBS we went to the park but didn't stay long because even the play equipment was hot!


I spent the day with my dad. No real conversation, just more hallucinations.


Then we came home and relaxed until Jared picked her up for the weekend.

Then off to visit Chase. I brought him a Star Wars puzzle (100 pieces). He worked the entire puzzle while I sat with him. We talked about things like his medicine, behavior, birthday party, Aimee, and towards the end of the visit...grandpa.

He asked about grandpa. I told him that grandpa can't get out of bed still and is having a really hard time. He told me that when grandpa dies, he'll be in heaven and it will be better. Then he asked to change the subject because he didn't feel like crying.

Oh and Chase might be coming home from the hospital on sunday.

I got an email from Sarah (the one from 20/20). I guess 20/20 dropped the entire segment when we dropped out. Oh well....video of Chase in the seclusion room is NOT going to be on national TV. But she wanted me to know that she is working on an independent film regarding childhood bipolar. She said that there would be a lot more interviews, daily routines etc. There is no pressure from the 20/20 people to make it "very dramatic." She just wants it to be real and has agreed to have no footage from his hospitalizations. No decisions made on my part. She will call me after work to "sell" it to me. We shall see. I DO think that the word needs to get out that these children are sick and not just bad kids. I just want to be sure it is done in a way that will not harm my son emotionally.

Ok I guess I should get to sleep. Again. I get up for work in 3 hours.