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This has been a rough week for me. Kevin went back to his dad's house for a week. My mom fell and broke her foot while standing in my front yard. And to top it off, I got really sick and ended up in the emergency room with a steroid shot in my butt to help me breathe.

Does anybody notice the BIG thing that I'm not stressing about??? CHASE!! He's been fantastic. I don't know how I would have made it through this week without all of Chase's help. Lamictal seems to be a good med for him. He doesn't seem as irritable or short tempered.

Time to enjoy the sunshine and smiling kiddos. And my last day of Sick-Leave.

short

Not in the mood to write but I owe you an update, so here goes. Both kids are doing well. They had a great time at Sunday School for the first time at our new church. We will stay at the current dosage of Lamictal until about April 15 and then bump it up a bit. Today I'm turning the medical releases in to Social Security so they can open Chase's case and hopefully help us. Then I go to work.

Miracle?

For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."

Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.

People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.

I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD

Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.

Update

Chase came home from the hospital a few weeks ago and since he's been home things have been going well. Until last week. Chase was out of control at school, throwing chairs, verbally attacking anyone that would look at him and even trying to slap his teacher. Our doc adjusted Chase's meds a tiny bit and it seemed to help. And then deadbeat dad came to visit on saturday.

Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.

On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.

On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.

I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.

biology?

I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.

Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.

I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.

A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.

But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.

Today

Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!

It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.

Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.

harry potter and tire-swings

Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.

The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.

Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?

Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.

I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.

rant..errrr....vent

Without ranting...ok maybe just a little ranting (but lets call it venting.)

Talked to my exhusband/baby daddy/deadbeat tonight on the phone to make plans for Christmas. He is coming over on Christmas day while I'm at work but will be supervised by his own father, Rick. Would you believe that he had the nerve to TELL ME that I should read a book about the harms of psychotropic medications on todays society! There are so many things wrong with that statement that I need to make a darned list.

1. The only book I've ever seen him read was the trivia book while he sat on the toilet.
   
2. I am fully aware and knowledgable of the harms of these medications.
   
3. Chase's options at this point are as simple as can be. Medication with side effects and unknown long term outcome OR Mania Depression Suicide Homocide Abuse Trauma Institutionalization Psychosis
   
4. During all the years that I took Chase to tons of doctors and begged deadbeat to join me, he always just said I could handle it alone
   
5. I have suggested and offered to loan him at least 20 books about his sons mental illness but he has never opened up a single book

Ok my sleep meds are kicking in. To end this post on a good note, I spent the day with Chase and couldn't be prouder to say that I'm his mommy.

Hospital Update

Wed-Thurs - 23 Hours in Kaiser ER waiting for a bed

Fri - Chase got settled into the hospital (same as 7 times before) We played our favorite card game all evening. Geodon discontinued.

Sat - Seroquel started. Lots of ups and downs. Seemed a little "out of it." Played cards and worked a puzzle.

Sun - In the morning Chase complained of not feeling well. Fever of 103.7 and complained of a horrible headache. Slept most of the day. Fever never went below 102. No other symptoms. I had to wonder if it had to do with the Seroquel.

Mon - Chase had a 102.5 fever in the morning but able to eat breakfast and lunch. By the afternoon his fever was gone and he was feeling fine. He called me this evening and sounded happy and hopeful. We chatted about his dinner and the movie he watched.

I'm praying that Chase is well enough to come home very soon. I appreciate all your prayers and well wishes. Today at work I mentioned something to a coworker about Chase being in the hospital and she suggested that I'm too young to be going through all of this heartbreak. My only response was "If you knew Chase, you would know the bad days are NOTHING compared to the smiles he gives me. Although I hate his illness, it has made him compassionate and brave and has taught me to cherish each moment with him."

jumbled updates

Tons of random recent facts/updates in my jumbled up head

• More tweaking of Chase's meds have him aggitated and his sleep cycle is all over the place
• My mom is in China and won't be back for another week. I miss her like crazy.
• REAL pumpkin patches all close at 5pm. Aimee was VERY disappointed
• I sometimes wonder if I missed my calling as a housekeeper...or maybe the bleach from the bathroom floor is just making me loopy
• Pets are fantastic. Until they piss all over your sons room and you can't seem to get the smell out despite your best efforts.
• Little brothers are like pets. But they don't piss on the floor when they are mad. They just boycott household chores and leave their dirty socks all over the house to "make a statement".
• Mobile Response Team (MRT) is spread too thin in the bay area. Sometimes they can't respond at all which leaves families like ours with few other options. Scary
• Chase is really picking up on his reading skills all of the sudden. Woohoo!
• There is this guy....

sensitive

The rage on saturday was a really a scary setback but just a setback. Things are going well again and today was my "friday" at work so I look forward to some quality time with my kiddos.

To give a quick med update on Chase....
Geodon 40mg 2x/day
Clonidine .5mg 2x/day
Cogentin 2x/day
Benedryl or Atarax as needed but rarely used.

I'm feeling a little sensitive today and I can't really pinpoint the reason. I can't stop crying. Maybe I'm just too tired after working 3pm yesterday until 5am today and then again 3pm today until 11pm. Or maybe I need to go back to my own therapist...

Tears not words

Chase is still in the hospital with a new med plan.

As for mom....... I'm not well. My anxiety is off the charts. I am grieving for my dad a lot right now. So many things I would talk to him about.

I love my boyfriend but not sure our lives can blend. We are taking a break right now and it hurts.

I have so much else going on in my head but it just comes out as tears, not words.

please pray

Chase is doing worse than he ever has. I have been bitten, strangled and torn down emotionally. He will be going back to the hospital today. His sister is terrified of him and for some reason he has been directing a lot of anger at her.

I am devistated (no clue how to spell it.) He started on a new med this weekend, Geodon and so far I'm not seeing any improvement.

Chase needs to go to a residential treatment center but no one will pay for it. I keep pushing the school district but they keep pushing back.

Please keep praying.

Day #11 in hospital

Chase is still in the hospital. Day #11. He is now on Lithium and being taken off everything else for now. He's been on Lithium before but not for a "full trial period." At least thats what the doc says. Doc says possible discharge by next week.

I miss my baby so much that it hurts. We talk at least twice a day on the phone and I visit everyday. But its not enough. I want him home. The weather is beautiful and I keep thinking that he would be outside from dawn until dusk.

I haven't been in the mood to update lately. Sorry.

more stuff

I don't have much time/energy tonight. Chase is still in the hospital and Aimee is still coughing like crazy. Chase's blood pressure and pulse were really low yesterday so the Clonidine was discontinued. And without it, he slept from about 11pm until 2:30am. Not sure what their plan is at this point but Chase will not be home this week.

On a good note, Chase is sweet and loves playing board games during our visits. And he calls me constantly. Sometimes annoying, but makes me feel so loved.

5150 again

Chase is back in the hospital. Let me back up so you can understand this nightmare-ish week.

• Saturday - Chase raged/ran away
  
• Sunday - ok
  
• Monday - Good day but raged at night (window involved)
  
• Tuesday - Raged ALL morning. Calmed down, got on bus but was kicked off the bus nearly immediately. More violence. Hallucinations. MRT responded.
  
• Wednesday - Great morning. Great bus ride. Suspended from school by 9am. More hallucinations. Severe cycles plus psychosis. MRT responded.
  
• Thursday - Mania for 3 hours and then deep depression and sleep for 3 hours. Psychiatrist appointment. Two options. Hospitalization or Haldol (MAJOR antipsychotic med). Got Haldol. Still hallucinating but cycling slowed. Hallucinations/Night terrors
  
• Friday - Very confused and spacey. Lapses in memory. Strange behaviors. MRT responded. Climbed over 2nd story landing and started to jump. He stopped when he saw me. Was unaware that he was even near the landing (while leaning over it.) To the hospital. 5150'd and transported to the same hospital as before.

So thats a little summary. Chase is in the same hospital that he has been in 3 times before. We don't really have a game plan yet but will get started on medication adjustments tomorrow morning when his regular doctor gets there. He is doing ok. He feels better being there and knows he needs more help than he can get at home. Visits have been great yesterday and today. Very focused and good attention span.

Please pray for Chase.

I'm sleepy and going to cuddle with Aimee and then crawl into my bed. Good night.

Happy Birthday Chase!

Chase turned 7 today. For some reason, 7 seems so much older than 6. I think despite being in the hospital, he had a good birthday. The staff and kids made a huge deal out of his birthday, even making him presents and a cake. Jared and I visited Chase together and we were able to sit outside with him while he opened some presents. I'm proud that Jared and I could be there together for an hour with Chase without being cranky with each other. Chase needs us to be nice to each other (even if it means faking it.)

Chase is doing a *tiny* bit better. No rages or quiet room. Still unstable but I think the Abilify is making some difference. I also got the two previous discharge summaries from the middle two hospitalizations. Both are consistent and say he has Mood Disorder NOS but the symptoms appear to be Bipolar. Whatever that means. I know that they are conservative in the hospital to call him bipolar so young. I don't really care, as long as he gets the help he needs.

Aimee wore herself out at Chuck E Cheese again today. She loves that place. I love that its free to get in and that Aimee is VERY conservative with her tokens. A little cup of tokens could last her 2 hours.

Ok I'm getting tired and should try to get some sleep. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes for Chase.

improvements?

Home from one shift, going to the next in 6 hours. Tonight was good though. 10 kids and a fun partner. No complaints.

I'm knocking on wood as we speak. Chase is at 2.5mg Abilify in the morning and 5mg Abilify at night and still on Clonidine for sleep. Today and yesterday have been improvements. Today especially. I'm really proud of my "almost 7" year old! I'm praying that when he comes home he is able to maintain stability at least through summer.

Aimee is with Jared. I miss her.

Day of CRAP

Today was shitty. The only highlight of the day was watching Aimee shake her booty while she was brushing her teeth.

1. Played with Aimee until she went to preschool.
2. Had a meeting with the wraparound guy and the kaiser case manager. No one wants to pay for residential. They think that with the right amounts of behavior modification, they can mold chase into an angel. HA! They also said I should put plywood all over the walls and window of Chases room, put a lot on the outside and make it a quiet room. CPS would love to call THAT abuse! Won't dare to do it.
4. Mini breakdown...
5. TRIED to take a nap. Haven't been sleeping good at night (obviously, since its 4am.)
6. Went to see my dad. Gave him a spongebath
7. Visited Chase. Another kid was raging so there was no one to talk to about Chase.
8. On the way out, the head nurse asked me "Is Chase the same at home as he is here? The rages?" and I said yes. Then she said "How do you do ANYTHING when he's home with you? I've never seen a kid with such a severe case" Gee...there went my sunshine.

Ok I think thats it for tonight.

big rages

No good news. Another rage. Around noon yesterday, he started raging. Big time. Another day where they had to sedate him with liquid thorazine. When I visited him at 3:30, he was still sleeping and had huge circles under his eyes. I think the people at the hospital are concerned because he never raged that bad when he was there both of the last times.