Faith, ART and Open House

Chase is doing FANTASTIC! I couldn't be more pleased with how stable he is right now. One thing that I really admire about Chase is that he is aware when he behaves poorly and takes accountability for it. Working in Juvenile Hall, I have grown to really appreciate it when a kid can admit their faults. Its a huge step to improving behavior.

Another thing that has me smiling is Chase's drive towards his faith. In the past, religion was seldom a topic that Chase would bring up on his own. But since he's started attending church regularly, he questions me constantly about Jesus and God. He has a thirst for stories about Jesus. He always prays before bed and often asks to pray aloud before meals. He seems so at peace when he's talking to God. I'm so glad he has found comfort in Jesus.

Today and tomorrow I am working "regular people" hours. Actually I'm in training both days for work. I'm being trained to be a facilitator for ART (Aggression Replacement Training) on my unit. I'm excited to run ART groups in juvenile hall but I think I'm even more excited to use the skills at home. One of the 3 main components is Anger Control. I'm hoping that I will be able to take some of the pieces of the training to practice with Chase.

Tonight was Chase's Open House at school. This year was a very different experience. Chase has progressed so much that even his teacher made a point to pull me aside to brag about him.

Thats it for now, allergies are awful and the benedryl is making me tired. Even though I'm sneezing and itchy, I couldn't imagine feeling more blessed.

Rollercoaster

I was so right last night when I predicted I'd wake up smooshed between my two kiddos. I woke up between them and had to laugh out loud.

Today was quite a rollercoaster.

UP - Chase woke up in a cheerful mood.
DOWN - The van driver turned the car around and brought Chase back home at 8am because he was verbally attacking another kid and making threats before they could even get on the freeway.
UP - Grandma took Chase to school and he had a fantastic morning, completing all his work in a happy mood.
DOWN - After lunch, he was attacking a teachers aid, threw a chair, a book and was removed to the support room and didn't calm down until it was time to go home.
UP - Met one of the pastors from the church and his wife who have a grown son that was very similar to Chase. They prayed with us. Chase even offered to begin the prayer.

After leaving the church, we had a fantastic evening. Chase completed all his homework without argument. I tried a new recipe for homemade chicken noodle soup. Shower/bedtime went smoothly.

I am learning that I can't worry about yesterday, this morning or even tomorrow. I can only be thankful for this very moment. And at this moment, I am happy.

biology?

I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.

Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.

I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.

A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.

But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.

Today

Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!

It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.

Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.

school

Many parents take school for granted. Not ALL. But many. They wake their sleepy kids up for school, get them dressed and give them a hug and off they go. When the kids come back home, their brains are a little more full and their tummies a little more empty. A little snack and they are ready to finish up their homework so they can have a fun evening. I KNOW thats how some families operate because that was me and most of my friends growing up. Same as the kids in our neighborhood. School homework fun...no big deal.

But this is NOT our experience in the Patterson house. Even on a good day. I can't be jealous. Or can I?

Lies

My brain feels scattered tonight. Tons of random thoughts bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls. I'm going to try to turn the random stuff into something that makes sense.

Chase lied at school yesterday. Not a little white lie or even a lie to make himself seems super cool. A hurtful bunch of lies that made me look like an awful mom. He told the school that I would not feed him anything in the morning because he was being bad and we were so poor there is nothing in the fridge. Then he also said that I told him to take his meds himself because I was angry at him and as a result, he took the wrong meds. So in his explanation of things he was acting out, tired and hungry because I'm an awful mom. Ouch.

In reality he had a bowl of cereal, got upset and decided he wanted something else. He put his entire bowl into the sink wasting a lot of milk and cereal. I told him THAT was his breakfast and he could have some fruit if he was still hungry. And the meds lie didn't make sense at all because he was given his meds just like every other day. I would never trust my EIGHT YEAR OLD to administer his own medication. Thankfully when the school called me to verify Chase's stories, I was able to clarify and when the school spoke with him about it, he cried and admitted he was trying to make excuses.

Other than the lying incident, Chase is really doing well in school this week. His homework has been completed with minimal fuss.

Time for me to get to sleep. I found an online bible study guide for women and each night I read a bit before bed. Its a start...

jumbled updates

Tons of random recent facts/updates in my jumbled up head

• More tweaking of Chase's meds have him aggitated and his sleep cycle is all over the place
• My mom is in China and won't be back for another week. I miss her like crazy.
• REAL pumpkin patches all close at 5pm. Aimee was VERY disappointed
• I sometimes wonder if I missed my calling as a housekeeper...or maybe the bleach from the bathroom floor is just making me loopy
• Pets are fantastic. Until they piss all over your sons room and you can't seem to get the smell out despite your best efforts.
• Little brothers are like pets. But they don't piss on the floor when they are mad. They just boycott household chores and leave their dirty socks all over the house to "make a statement".
• Mobile Response Team (MRT) is spread too thin in the bay area. Sometimes they can't respond at all which leaves families like ours with few other options. Scary
• Chase is really picking up on his reading skills all of the sudden. Woohoo!
• There is this guy....

Wow. Thats it. Wow.

The IEP was very successful. The school proved to me just how smart Chase really is. Some of his skills are at the high school level while others are right at 3rd grade level. None of those tests or assessments meant anything compared to the comments from everyone that attended the IEP. School psychologists, therapists and social workers were all SO impressed with Chase's improvments that have happened since the last emergency IEP in March (when we were talking about Residential placement.). I don't even know how to put in words the genuine smiles that were all over the conference room. No one is in the "dark" as to how bipolar disorder interferes with a childs life, but it would be ridiculous not to celebrate the leaps and bounds of progress that Chase has made.

Today was eye opening for me. Chase was teetering (is that even a word?) on the edge of raging nearly all afternoon. He even was taken to his room but was safe enough that I could sit in his room while he threw cards around and pounded on his bed. HIS BED! Not the wall, someones face, a window or any other scary objects. He used a coping skill and was able to avoid a rage! Within 5 minutes he was sitting on my lap talking about Halloween costumes.

He also completed 4 pages of homework with minimal fuss.

With so much improvment since the med adjustment, maybe I can pull our lives out of the temporary stand-still that i've put us in and start going places again and having people over. That would be nice.

Yuck.

The countdown until 3rd grade is ON! Fri, Sat, Sun and then 3rd GRADE!!! I can't figure out if Chase is excited or nervous. I feel pretty confident that he can continue with the progress he's made this summer as long as he doesn't let peer conflicts get in the way.

I've been experiencing a TON of anxiety over every aspect in my life. Yuck.

Ok I should get going....at work.

schools and barn maven

Today was a good day. Chase's appointment with his therapist went well. She even brought up the idea of Chase going to his "home" school by 5th grade. Basically that would mean Chase would leave his school that is 25 miles from home and only for children classified as emotionally disturbed and go to a special needs class at a regular school right by our house. That would be an ultimate goal of mine (and Chase's) but right now I just want Chase to get settled in 3rd grade. BUT it was cool to hear her mention the possibility; when it was only in march that we were struggling so much.

Barn Maven: Just wanted to say welcome to my little blog. I'll be checking out yours too! And don't worry about the name thing, I do it ALL the time in real life!

It was also my "friday" at work. Tomorrow morning the dog goes to the groomer and we have a wrap around meeting. Yay.

school

Today is Chase's last day of 2nd grade! He is so excited. He starts summer school next thursday but there will be no homework and they are only 1/2 days.

This morning I'm going to run a bunch of errands. Yay...wonder how early Target opens...

Bump or beginning

Howdy! I'm in a good mood because today is my FRIDAY at work. Granted its going to be a 12 hour shift, but tomorrow i get to hang out in my pajamas while both kids are at school.

Yesterday was a hard day. Chase seems a bit on edge but not raging. He spent his day at school sleeping under his desk, whining and staying in the support room. The first thing the teacher asked was if he got his meds. Of course he did. Then she asked if he was tired because Chase told her I didn't put him to bed until 2AM!!!! I said nope. He was asleep by 8:30pm. He was okay when he came home as long as Aimee left him alone.

One thing that I'm loving currently is Chase's strong desire to help me. He is so proud when I ask for help and he's able to do it. He's great at putting laundry away and emptying the waste baskets in the house.

Thats all for now. Please pray that this irritability is just a bump on the road and not the beginning of something bigger.

Oh and I think the Bipolar Mysteries on Discovery Health Channel will aire again on June 13th.

school concerns

Awesome visit with Chase's Grandpa Rick. BUT Chase only came with us because once again he raged when the bus came. I was going to take him to school but then he fell asleep on the floor. I am starting to see a pattern finally!

Not enough sleep or restless sleep--->exhausted Chase--->irritable Chase--->rage--->good sleep

I have obvious concerns about him missing school for this stuff. But I have more concerns on days like today that when I drive him to school, he will rage right away and get sent home anyway. I'm just tired of him hurting people at school during his rages. Any opinions are welcome.

No school

I've been pretty busy lately. This morning was pretty odd though. Chase was happy and ready for school, even finished EVERY BIT of his homework without mistakes! And then the bus gets here. He decides he doesn't want to go to school. I encouraged him to get on the bus. He got on and then started pounding on the windows to let him out. Of course the bus driver opened the door and Chase came flying out and into the house. The bus left. Chase kept crying and saying he wouldn't go to school. He didn't tell me why. Within about 3 minutes, he had fallen asleep on the couch. At that point I could have driven him to school but something was wrong and falling asleep at 7am-12pm is not normal for Chase. So he's awake now but pretty lethargic.

This could be one of three things.
1. He isn't feeling well and/or didn't sleep enough
2. Something really upset him at school and he forgot about it until he was about to leave (doubtful since he's had an amazing week so far and he's very proud of his progress)
3. Depression is cycling around....

If he doesn't go to school tomorrow and sleeps all day, we are going to the doc. He hasn't had a med change and isn't sick.

Our plans

Quick update before I go to bed. (Yes its only 1pm but I work a graveyard shift tonight.)

Chase is actually doing well. His new meds seem to be helping quite a bit. I'm so proud of my little man. And he has a roommate that he has so much fun with!

The plan for the next few weeks:
1. Get chase out of the hospital.
2. Transfer him to a residential treatment center in San Francisco. Our insurance will only cover a 2 week stay. I'm ok with that because it will give us a chance to see if it is really worth fighting for. We can see how he likes it and if its a good fit for him.
3. Next IEP at the end of March to discuss long term residential placement.
4. If necessary, bring in the big guns....a special education lawyer that I can't afford.

Since he's been back in the hospital, I haven't missed a single day at work. I take a lot of pride in my job and as much as I may complain about it...I love it.

Aimee is SUCH a diva lately. She reminds me of a teenager already! Yikes.

Thanks everyone for all your support and hugs. I've been in plenty of therapy throughout my life and writing has always been more helpful than talking for me.

update

This has been a hard week. Lots of drama with friends and their lives getting out of control. I won't spill their business here, but I am praying that good decisions will be made and that no friendships/relationships are destroyed in the process.

Chase has had an okay week. Tomorrow morning is his second basketball game. I'm so excited for him. And I will be filming.

Here are the updates for the week, lacking in sentence structure.

Chase has made HUGE improvements in his reading skills. Tonight he was bugging me to "quiz him." I got to pick any words, 4 letters or less and he'd have to spell it. Or I'd spell a word and he'd have to say it. Finally I just told him that he was late for bed and he made me promise to do more in the morning. I think I am glowing. Between basketball and reading skills, Chase's confidence level is on the upswing. YAY CHASE!

Good news on Aimee's school stuff too. Her teacher spoke with me today and feels like Aimee needs to move to the next class up because she's too advanced for their class. So Aimee will be moving to the ladybug room. And next year she will be in Pre Kindergarten. I guess there were a lot of skills that the class has been focusing on and Aimee is way beyond them. They also find that she plays with older kids instead of kids her own age. I'm so proud of my little smarty pants.

At school she's an angel but at home Aimee spends so much time whining that my ears start bleeding. She's either whining and not sleeping or she's hyper and happy. Blah.

My boyfriend is slowly becoming more involved in my life. Our past relationships have failed so we want to try things differently. Obviously we are taking things slow. He is slowly becoming a male figure in my home and getting to know my family. Same with me on his side of the family. When we are ready, we will start joining the two lives. Letting the kids meet etc. But slowly.

As far as the sports suggestions. Thanks Meg and Megan!!

I asked Chase about running and he didn't seem to like the idea. And his experience in the heat of summer might make races hard? I don't really know. I think I'll bring it up again. Maybe see if he wants to go on a jog with me when the weather is nice.

Water activities seem the most hopeful for the summer. I might spend the extra money for some private lessons. He does better in the pool when there aren't a bunch of other kids to distract him. After he feels confident, I'll let him decide if he wants to join a swim team or something.

I'm even thinking football. But thats not a summer thing.

I just want to encourage options. Not force him, but show him that the opportunities are there.

Now if only I can get my W-2 from my job so I can finish my taxes.

AHHHHHHHHH

Today sucked. I haven't even had a chance to talk to Chase but he had a bad day at school and on the bus. Not bad enough for suspension though. Gotta look on the bright side!

My nanny sucks. I might have to fire her. But I have no other options. Who could I find that could watch a bipolar kid and work my weird hours? And here's another catch. I can only pay about $250/week. Any takers?

As sad as I am about my dad, I'm so thankful to have my mom back for support. She is my heart. She keeps me sane. Well kinda...

I won't even begin to write about the disaster of a night I had at work. Just imagine 20 girls, all needy and loud, and then screaming and writing reports.

Its a wonder I'm not locked up in a psych ward somewhere.

Maybe

Not in the "posting mood." Chase did great at school. Almost got in a fight with a kid on the bus on the way home. The bus driver pissed me off. Chase was so upset that he never wants to get on that bus again.

Aimee was so clingy today. Separation anxiety is getting intense with her. My mom spent the afternoon/evening with us.

Chase had basketball practice but seemed "off." He was spacing out and not really paying attention. Even the coach noticed.

Now both kiddos in bed. Tomorrow I work from 12pm to 11pm. Management of Assaultive Behavior physical training before my regular shift. At least I'll get paid overtime.

Goodnight. Maybe tomorrow night I'll write in full sentences. Maybe.

Update after hiatus

So after the longest hiatus between posts....I'm back and ready to roll. or type. And did I even spell/use hiatus right? I've said it a million times but never wrote it. oops sidebar.

Chase is doing so well that it almost feels foreign to me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it! I know that might sound crazy to any of you without bipolar kids or kids on the spectrum. Basketball is really reaching my goal. Chase has a place that he can go for an hour each week, hang out with kids that don't see him as "different" and build self confidence. And on top of that, he is quite the player!

Even homework and school struggles seemed to have lessened this week. With all the improvments since Dec 9...I'm convinced I know why. I said two things to my dad on the night before he passed. I said, "When you go, I'm counting on you to watch over Chase. He needs you to look out for him and to calm some of the storm inside him." And of course I told him I love him. As irritated as my dad often made me, he had the opposite effect on Chase. Chase was mellow and peaceful around Grandpa. I miss him so much.

Aimee is a little stinker! Her little personality is really growing. She likes to do her own hair (usually involving a headband.) She likes to watch Dora about 5 inches from the TV screen when I'm not in the room. Future problems with vision maybe? And she LOVES to cook/bake.

As for me....I'm the real nut-job around this place. The ups and downs of grief are not what I was expecting. One day I'm ok and can talk about him and think about him and smile. Another day I feel such an emptiness from the loss of my daddy. Tomorrow will be one month.

The independent film is now in negotiatings with the Discovery Channel and should be ready to start filming by February. ::::enter nerves here::::

And by now my favorite little blue pill (its just AMBIEN you sicko's!) is kicking in and guiding me to my pillow. Good night and thanks for being patient with me.

Good day

Seems as good a time as any to do my weekly update

Aimee

• Aimee is spending her days dressing her "babies" for different events. Cant leave the house in pajamas of course. Gotta put baby in a dress, etc etc. Super cute
  
• Aimee goes to preschool tomorrow but they have the Christmas show in the evening. Aimee really doesn't want to do it. Do I bring her anyway?
  
• We made sugar cookies today that turned into one big cookie the size of the cookie sheet. Still tasty!
  

Chase

• He is doing well. Incredible even. First basketball practice was a ton of fun. Chase was focused and smiled the entire time. We need to work on "chest passes" and dribbling technique. After the hour of practice, he wanted to stay! He would have practiced for another hour.
  
• Besides the daily homework struggles, Chase is doing well in school lately. The teacher says he's less aggressive and more willing to learn. Lots of fidgeting and whining, but those are minor things compared to past behaviors.
  
• Chase went to Grandma's house for the first time since Grandpa died. He looked into his room and started crying. My dad laid in the hospital bed in his room for 6 months and now it is empty. But we did find a little stuffed horse that Chase gave to grandpa to hold. Now he calls it the "Grandpa Horse"
  
• As much as I avoid talking about Jared...... Its very clear to me that his absence has made a huge difference in Chase's behavior. Chase is doing really well overall right now.
  

Everyone else

• Met with the investigator on my "case" at work. Good meeting and I feel like I can relax until I know what my punishment will be, if any.
  
• Great shift at work. The girls missed me.
  
• A true friend went above and beyond the "duties" as a friend. I've always known she'd be there for me. She has NEVER let me down. But what she did for me today went way beyond that. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
  
• Kevin and Rick are here and leave tomorrow night. That puts me in a bad spot for thursday night when I work my graveyard shift so I have to figure that out tomorrow.
  
• BUT it looks like they may come back here and take Chase back to Yuba City with them for a few days!!!!! It would be great for Chase and for me! Then I only need to worry about getting a babysitter for Aimee this weekend instead of both.
  
• I really am at peace with the loss of my father. But what exactly does that mean? Maybe I will elaborate on that thought on tomorrows blog.
  

Good night for now. Today was a good day.