pics

We had a little birthday thing for Chase at my mom's house last night. It was a relaxing night.

Today was good. Tonight Chase raged. He kicked me in the back but other than that, it was much shorter, quieter and less violent than any other rages. Then he fell asleep before 7pm.

Also...Jared got denied for unemployment because he got fired. There goes any hope for child support anytime soon. He also gave up on taking Chase. Go figure.

So far...

So far we are surviving. I got Chase a Nintendo DS for his birthday. He loves it. I'm not a fan of too much media for kids, but if it makes him happy we shall try it. He's actually been very even tempered. I'm glad he's home.

Aimee is potty trained now. Just not at night. No hurry on that one.

Tomorrow Aimee has preschool so Chase and I will have the whole day to ourselves. I'm excited :-)

home

I picked Chase up from the hospital at 3pm. Aimee came home at 5pm. MRT came over at 6pm.

Its after 8:30pm now, and both kids are asleep. Well Chase is asleep and Aimee is being fairly quiet in her room.

Besides MY anxiety attack this evening, so far so good.

Chase is a ticking time bomb. I pray that I'm wrong.

updates

Updates

Chase might be coming home on sunday or monday. He isn't better, but once again, we need to "let" Chase fail.

My allergies are killing me. KILLING me!

Jared has NOOOOOO chance in taking either kiddo. (Thanks to everyone who gave me advice regarding this)

Thats it. I can't type with all the sneezing and buggers...ugh

custody

Today has been rough. Due to work, I haven't seen Chase since sunday and I miss him like crazy. I'll see him tomorrow though. I speak with him on the phone 3-4 times/day. Today I spoke briefly with his doctor and got very upset.

She said "ideally Chase would leave here and be transported directly to a residential treatment center. Since that isn't realistic based on the county moving slowly, we are looking at other discharge options. Chase might go stay with his dad for a while when he leaves?" WTF?!?!?!?!

After Jared got fired, he suggested that Chase stay with him for a while. I'd love some honest opinions here.

• I have sole physical and joint legal custody of both kids.
• Up until 2 weeks ago, Jared had never met any of Chase's doctors.
• Jared has no job.
• Jared lives in another county with his mom. All county services would end until he could get some through the other county.
• Jared stays half the time with his girlfriend in Brentwood. Not a consistent living situation.
• The county is about to freeze his bank account and take a good part of any unemployment, to pay child support because Jared refuses to take care of his children's financial needs.
• Jared has no income to pay medical bills for Chase, or even feed him.
• Jared is mean to Chase.
• The latest psychological testing done by the hospital showed evidence of abandonment and self esteem issues directly related to Jared.
• Jared constantly goes against doctors suggestions regarding violent tv shows and video games for Chase.
• Chase would lose his placement at his current special day school.
• I am currently dealing with a social worker about possibly filing a CPS resport on Jared regarding Aimee.

Am I nuts for thinking that Chase living with his dad is completely unacceptable for a child in this situation? I know that I need to keep Aimee safe, but I'm confident that with the new nanny and all of the support of family and friends, Aimee would be taken care of if Chase is unstable. Chase being at home is clearly not the solution. But until a better solution is presented to us, we will have to make it work. With the new wrap around services and MRT, we have a better chance that we did even 2 months ago.

Please either email me or comment with your brutally honest opinions. Ravenbug88@yahoo.com

15

I worked a 15 hour day and I STILL can't sleep! I go to work in 5 hours.

Chase was upset because I worked an extra shift today and couldn't visit him. I feel guilty about it.

sentences

Super quick update before work:

Chase is still in the hospital. 15 days now. Slight improvement.

Aimee isn't feeling well but still going with Jared this weekend (I'm working ALL weekend).

My dad is hanging in there. He's so strong.

Independent flim news, but thats a longer story.

Major conflicts between professionals about Residential for Chase. Also between Jared and I.

Talked to Child Support Services. Maybe I'll start seeing something? As if its easy raising 2 kids on my salary alone...

Thats it.

Happy Birthday Chase!

Chase turned 7 today. For some reason, 7 seems so much older than 6. I think despite being in the hospital, he had a good birthday. The staff and kids made a huge deal out of his birthday, even making him presents and a cake. Jared and I visited Chase together and we were able to sit outside with him while he opened some presents. I'm proud that Jared and I could be there together for an hour with Chase without being cranky with each other. Chase needs us to be nice to each other (even if it means faking it.)

Chase is doing a *tiny* bit better. No rages or quiet room. Still unstable but I think the Abilify is making some difference. I also got the two previous discharge summaries from the middle two hospitalizations. Both are consistent and say he has Mood Disorder NOS but the symptoms appear to be Bipolar. Whatever that means. I know that they are conservative in the hospital to call him bipolar so young. I don't really care, as long as he gets the help he needs.

Aimee wore herself out at Chuck E Cheese again today. She loves that place. I love that its free to get in and that Aimee is VERY conservative with her tokens. A little cup of tokens could last her 2 hours.

Ok I'm getting tired and should try to get some sleep. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes for Chase.

improvements?

Home from one shift, going to the next in 6 hours. Tonight was good though. 10 kids and a fun partner. No complaints.

I'm knocking on wood as we speak. Chase is at 2.5mg Abilify in the morning and 5mg Abilify at night and still on Clonidine for sleep. Today and yesterday have been improvements. Today especially. I'm really proud of my "almost 7" year old! I'm praying that when he comes home he is able to maintain stability at least through summer.

Aimee is with Jared. I miss her.

yuck

insomnia blows...

july pics

Just some random pics from July. The first one was taken about 2 days before the latest hospitalization. I still don't get the thrill of pouring hose water on your head, but apparently its a HUGE deal to most kids. The last pic is Aimee....after my mom let her go crazy in her makeup drawer. My mom did the curlers in her hair though....

sleep

Cant sleep. Again. But my body is so tired...

Day of CRAP

Today was shitty. The only highlight of the day was watching Aimee shake her booty while she was brushing her teeth.

1. Played with Aimee until she went to preschool.
2. Had a meeting with the wraparound guy and the kaiser case manager. No one wants to pay for residential. They think that with the right amounts of behavior modification, they can mold chase into an angel. HA! They also said I should put plywood all over the walls and window of Chases room, put a lot on the outside and make it a quiet room. CPS would love to call THAT abuse! Won't dare to do it.
4. Mini breakdown...
5. TRIED to take a nap. Haven't been sleeping good at night (obviously, since its 4am.)
6. Went to see my dad. Gave him a spongebath
7. Visited Chase. Another kid was raging so there was no one to talk to about Chase.
8. On the way out, the head nurse asked me "Is Chase the same at home as he is here? The rages?" and I said yes. Then she said "How do you do ANYTHING when he's home with you? I've never seen a kid with such a severe case" Gee...there went my sunshine.

Ok I think thats it for tonight.

jumbled thoughts

Another of the same. Chase spent the day lashing out at everyone. His dad didn't show up to the appointment with Chase's therapist. Surprise.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back....
1. Spoke with the head of the special education dept of the school district. She seems to be in agreement with residential.
2. Linda, the Kaiser case manager is meeting with me in the morning to "steamroll" this thing into place.
3. Marilyn, Chase's therapist with AB 3632, doesn't see residential as the next step and attributes a lot of the issues to the recent divorce. Oh and she's met Chase TWO times!

Relaxed night at work. Only 8 kids on the unit so we just hung out and watched Madagascar 2.

Wednesday:
Get Aimee to preschool with her bathing suit and towel. Its water play day!!!
9am appt with Kaiser case manager and wraparound coordinater dude
11am, go home to sleep.
Wake up, go see my daddy
Get Aimee, bring her to nanny
Go visit Chase

I don't have much time with Aimee tomorrow but she will have a blast and will be with me all day on thursday.

I'm done. I'm in a mood where I could ramble for hours, but I'll spare you.

Messages

Another day... I feel like I'm repeating the same thing everyday. Chase had another hard day full of rages, crying and mania. I've contacted a bunch of people to get things going for a residential treatment center. Left messages for:

1. Marilyn (County AB3632 Psychologist and Case Manager)
2. Dave (Wrap around coordinator)
3. Lindsay (MRT)
4. Linda (Case Manager at Kaiser)
5. Larissa (Kaiser Liason for the inpatient psych)
6. Eileen (County AB 3632 big wig)
7. MaryAnn (Kaiser Mental Health)
8. Kevin (Chase's psychiatrist....my angel)
9. Mark (School District Case Manager)

Think those are enough people to get me some information? I hope so. I'm not sure where else to turn.

big rages

No good news. Another rage. Around noon yesterday, he started raging. Big time. Another day where they had to sedate him with liquid thorazine. When I visited him at 3:30, he was still sleeping and had huge circles under his eyes. I think the people at the hospital are concerned because he never raged that bad when he was there both of the last times.

sedation

Quick post. Just got home from work, back to work in 6 hours.

Chase raged in the hospital. They said it was the worst they have seen in all the times he's been there. They had to sedate him. I visited him around 1-2pm. He wouldn't wake up. Tonight he called me around 8pm. He didn't remember me visiting him, nor did he remember the rages over the last few days. He is so tiny and so confused.

angels and rages

Rage after rage after rage. I will post pictures of Chase's room. MRT came out again today. MRT brought Chase to the emergency room where we 5150'd him. Again. He is so sick. He needs so much help.

The on-call psychiatrist, Dr. James, was amazing. She made me feel like a person. a mom. a strong woman. She kept asking about my support system and any support from Chase's dad. I broke down crying about Chase's crappy relationship with his dad. Then Jared showed up. She kept pulling me out of the room to make sure I was ok etc.

Today I had many angels.

• Dr. James was one of my angels.
• Tamara (neighbor) was another angel. She made rushed over to help with Chase and then took Aimee.
• Nanny Ann put up with so much by just doing me a favor by watching the kids so i could go sit with my dad.
• MRT workers Lindsay and Mike helped me feel better about everything.
• My daddy made me feel really important today. He talks to me. Only me. With everyone else, he just talks nonsense.
• My mom loves Chase so much and will support us in whatever hard decisions we need to make. Her hugs just make me melt.
• Julie helped me with the kids in the morning so I could get a little sleep. Then she played "therapist" when I was freaking out on the phone.
• Kristie just plain listens to me. Sometimes that's all I need. Just to get it out.
• Chase gave me a hug and waved as he was taken to the ambulance in the gurney. What a heroic little man.
• Meredith provides me with all the entertainment I need to put a smile on my face. Psycho!

Every single day, I have angels in my life. Sometimes I'm so used to having such amazing support that I forget to sit back and be thankful. God sure must be worried about me to send me so many angels!

sarcasm

Since Monday, things have been pretty uneventful. That's just the way I like them! Another lady from MRT came by last night (an appointment, not an emergency). Yet another MRT person that Chase likes and I feel comfortable with. I wanna meet the person who does the hiring! They should come work at my job!

Chase has been Mr. ADHD the past few days, but I'd trade that for constant bipolar cycling ANY day. He's like a little energizer bunny. Hyper but pretty even tempered.

My poor guy got off the bus today covered in blood from his nose. I never knew a kid could bleed that much! The bus driver said he was picking his nose and it started bleeding before they even got on the freeway. Chase picking his nose.....shocking....

Tonight I'm back to work. Yay. And yes, I'm being sarcastic today.

Brain Damage?

Despite the large bumps on my head that are so tender I can't brush my hair....today was good. Hopefully there was no brain damage or anything (not that you would notice!) I'm kinda crazy already so I doubt a few lumps on my head couldn't make a huge difference!

Chase was super manic all day but i wouldn't say he was in a mixed state because there was little or no anger/violence. Got through another day without being hospitalized.

Tomorrow morning I will meet with the wrap around coordinator who can hopefully get started with services.

I added some pics below from the past couple days.