Update

Chase came home from the hospital a few weeks ago and since he's been home things have been going well. Until last week. Chase was out of control at school, throwing chairs, verbally attacking anyone that would look at him and even trying to slap his teacher. Our doc adjusted Chase's meds a tiny bit and it seemed to help. And then deadbeat dad came to visit on saturday.

Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.

On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.

On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.

I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.

Wow. Thats it. Wow.

The IEP was very successful. The school proved to me just how smart Chase really is. Some of his skills are at the high school level while others are right at 3rd grade level. None of those tests or assessments meant anything compared to the comments from everyone that attended the IEP. School psychologists, therapists and social workers were all SO impressed with Chase's improvments that have happened since the last emergency IEP in March (when we were talking about Residential placement.). I don't even know how to put in words the genuine smiles that were all over the conference room. No one is in the "dark" as to how bipolar disorder interferes with a childs life, but it would be ridiculous not to celebrate the leaps and bounds of progress that Chase has made.

Today was eye opening for me. Chase was teetering (is that even a word?) on the edge of raging nearly all afternoon. He even was taken to his room but was safe enough that I could sit in his room while he threw cards around and pounded on his bed. HIS BED! Not the wall, someones face, a window or any other scary objects. He used a coping skill and was able to avoid a rage! Within 5 minutes he was sitting on my lap talking about Halloween costumes.

He also completed 4 pages of homework with minimal fuss.

With so much improvment since the med adjustment, maybe I can pull our lives out of the temporary stand-still that i've put us in and start going places again and having people over. That would be nice.

please pray

I don't have a lot to say right now except please pray for Chase. His stability is slowly disappearing and I'm afraid that his current behaviors could cause him to be hospitalized again soon. We are really going through a rough time around here. I may have to have Aimee stay with my mom for a few days, while I'm at work, so I know she is safe. But my mom leaves for China on Oct. 4....and then what do I do with Aimee when Chase is being violent or scary? I'm really nervous for this upcoming month.

Bump or beginning

Howdy! I'm in a good mood because today is my FRIDAY at work. Granted its going to be a 12 hour shift, but tomorrow i get to hang out in my pajamas while both kids are at school.

Yesterday was a hard day. Chase seems a bit on edge but not raging. He spent his day at school sleeping under his desk, whining and staying in the support room. The first thing the teacher asked was if he got his meds. Of course he did. Then she asked if he was tired because Chase told her I didn't put him to bed until 2AM!!!! I said nope. He was asleep by 8:30pm. He was okay when he came home as long as Aimee left him alone.

One thing that I'm loving currently is Chase's strong desire to help me. He is so proud when I ask for help and he's able to do it. He's great at putting laundry away and emptying the waste baskets in the house.

Thats all for now. Please pray that this irritability is just a bump on the road and not the beginning of something bigger.

Oh and I think the Bipolar Mysteries on Discovery Health Channel will aire again on June 13th.

Safe

Chase tried to throw the wood frame of his bed tonight. He now has a mattress on the floor in his room. That's all. No dresser, curtains, books, toys or even clothes. Just a mattress.

I want to fix him. Why can't I just fix him? I don't want him to be so angry that he will put his own life in danger. Its my job to keep him safe. I try. I can. Usually. What happens when I can't anymore?

baseline

I started noticing something good. Chase does have rages. The rages are scary. He's raging about 2x/week. BUT when he's not raging, he is doing remarkably well. He is patient and just his normal silly self. That is his baseline. When he isn't doing well, he hardly ever makes it back to his baseline. Right now he is LIVING in his baseline except for a rage here and there. Beautiful.

Today was my friday at work. Yay for wednesdays! Goodnight.

Feet and chocolate

I don't have a lot to say tonight. Chase had a great day at school and home. I don't remember if I posted about saturday night.... Chase raged and I took the brunt of his anger. The level of violence was terrifying.

All I want is a foot massage. And chocolate. Perfect combination.

school concerns

Awesome visit with Chase's Grandpa Rick. BUT Chase only came with us because once again he raged when the bus came. I was going to take him to school but then he fell asleep on the floor. I am starting to see a pattern finally!

Not enough sleep or restless sleep--->exhausted Chase--->irritable Chase--->rage--->good sleep

I have obvious concerns about him missing school for this stuff. But I have more concerns on days like today that when I drive him to school, he will rage right away and get sent home anyway. I'm just tired of him hurting people at school during his rages. Any opinions are welcome.

rage

While I was at work today, Chase raged. Twice. He busted the light in his room (in the ceiling). I'll update more tomorrow.

sensitive

The rage on saturday was a really a scary setback but just a setback. Things are going well again and today was my "friday" at work so I look forward to some quality time with my kiddos.

To give a quick med update on Chase....
Geodon 40mg 2x/day
Clonidine .5mg 2x/day
Cogentin 2x/day
Benedryl or Atarax as needed but rarely used.

I'm feeling a little sensitive today and I can't really pinpoint the reason. I can't stop crying. Maybe I'm just too tired after working 3pm yesterday until 5am today and then again 3pm today until 11pm. Or maybe I need to go back to my own therapist...

Rage #1

Chase had his first rage since coming home from the hospital. The rages are getting much scarier. This time he took a tall wooden stool and started throwing it against the stair banister, breaking four of the rails. Then when I went up to stop him, he threw it at me. I'm sad tonight but hopeful that these rages will be few and far between.

honeymoons

Chase has been at the RTC since wednesday. As much as I like the place, it is becoming clearer and clearer just how mentally ill Chase really is. That sounds awful. Mentally ill? Sick? What is the right way to say that? I wish I didn't have to say it at all.

The RTC is amazing. It seems like a really cool boarding school but with a seclusion room on each floor and plexy-glass windows. You can see the ocean waves from Chase's window. I'll post pics soon.

I have heard from many bipolar kids parents that their kids experience "honeymoon phases" when placed in a new environment such as a hospital, school or RTC. Apparently Chase doesn't go on honeymoons... He is raging on nearly every shift at the RTC. At least they are getting a good picture of the illness and can address it. Two weeks isn't a long time to address such big issues, but thats no one's fault but the school district.

I'm working 14 days straight so I need to rest while I can. Tomorrow after work I will have a long visit with Chase.

Bittersweet

Chase is back in the hospital after we sat in the ER for 10 hours yesterday. That included one pretty good rage where they nearly put him in restraints. He's not happy to be there, but I could see relief on his face. He doesn't want to hurt us or scare us and he feels that we are safe when he's in the hospital. My little boy is so compassionate.

Aimee woke up this morning and is back to her normal self without worrying about Chase's rages.

On another note, I reconnected with an old friend this morning and I'm SO happy about it. We haven't talked in years but she was always a huge support for me and we have been through a LOT together. (Hi Lauren!)

I will update more later, after I talk with the hospital docs and social worker.

please pray

Chase is doing worse than he ever has. I have been bitten, strangled and torn down emotionally. He will be going back to the hospital today. His sister is terrified of him and for some reason he has been directing a lot of anger at her.

I am devistated (no clue how to spell it.) He started on a new med this weekend, Geodon and so far I'm not seeing any improvement.

Chase needs to go to a residential treatment center but no one will pay for it. I keep pushing the school district but they keep pushing back.

Please keep praying.

5150 again

Chase is back in the hospital. Let me back up so you can understand this nightmare-ish week.

• Saturday - Chase raged/ran away
  
• Sunday - ok
  
• Monday - Good day but raged at night (window involved)
  
• Tuesday - Raged ALL morning. Calmed down, got on bus but was kicked off the bus nearly immediately. More violence. Hallucinations. MRT responded.
  
• Wednesday - Great morning. Great bus ride. Suspended from school by 9am. More hallucinations. Severe cycles plus psychosis. MRT responded.
  
• Thursday - Mania for 3 hours and then deep depression and sleep for 3 hours. Psychiatrist appointment. Two options. Hospitalization or Haldol (MAJOR antipsychotic med). Got Haldol. Still hallucinating but cycling slowed. Hallucinations/Night terrors
  
• Friday - Very confused and spacey. Lapses in memory. Strange behaviors. MRT responded. Climbed over 2nd story landing and started to jump. He stopped when he saw me. Was unaware that he was even near the landing (while leaning over it.) To the hospital. 5150'd and transported to the same hospital as before.

So thats a little summary. Chase is in the same hospital that he has been in 3 times before. We don't really have a game plan yet but will get started on medication adjustments tomorrow morning when his regular doctor gets there. He is doing ok. He feels better being there and knows he needs more help than he can get at home. Visits have been great yesterday and today. Very focused and good attention span.

Please pray for Chase.

I'm sleepy and going to cuddle with Aimee and then crawl into my bed. Good night.

bad day

So tired that I can't even type. Last night MRT came to the house. Chase raged and had to be contained by the MRT worker. Then things calmed down.

This morning things got way worse. We were about to take him to the hospital. We got MRT out to the house again and were able to diffuse Chase's rages one moment at a time. Chase is sleeping in his own bed tonight and I am so thankful.

Praying that tomorrow is better than today.

hospital?

Chase is not doing well. Today (wednesday) was a nightmare. Chase started raging in the middle of the street with Kevin. I was able to get him home and on our way up the stairs, he shoved me and I fell down 1/2 a flight of stairs. At this point, I feel like hospitalization might be necessary. I was lucky I wasn't hurt more than I was and it could have easily been Aimee. Someone will be getting hurt. I'm scared. I am going to try to make it through Thanksgiving.

Rages vs. Tantrums

WHO doesn't love my Ambien induced posts? If you don't, go away now. Run! Otherwise here goes:

Chase finally made it through a day without any major issues. The teacher was encouraged since we had raised the Abilify that maybe its making a difference.

But on the way home on the bus, the bus aide tried to direct Chase not to open an envelope addressed to me and he totally lost it. He started throwing a temper tantrum on the bus on the freeway. He hit and kicked the aide and said a lot of bad things to her. I could tell she was upset. And who wouldn't be? Thank goodness they didn't suspend him from the bus.

I know you might wonder what the difference is between a temper tantrum and a rage. Its something important to know when you are around Chase. If he's raging, he's dangerous. If he's tantruming then he's just throwing a fit to get what he wants. The rages are his bipolar and the tantrums are partially ADHD and partially being a 7yr old boy.

Temper Tantrum
-Wants something and is told no or to stop
-Screaming
-Hitting
-Kicking
-Whining
-able to contain him without too much of a struggle
-Short time period, about 10 minutes.
-Very coherent and aware of his surroundings
-Is capable of being soothed
-Typical of most 7 year old tantrums

Rage
-Triggered by something very small
-Can last for hours
-Agressively attacking himself, others and any property
-Nearly impossible to restrain
-Superhuman strength (like someone on PCP)
-Cannot hear what you say to him
-Is not responsive to any outside stimulus (me talking, doorbells ringing, etc)
-Doesn't remember the rage itself but can remember only the first few seconds.
-Followed by exhaustion and usually falls asleep on the floor.

Ok I'm done writing my book now. Ha Ha Ha.

school emergencies

Today's events regarding Mr. Chase:

12:00pm - Call from Chase's psychologist from AB3632. She is worried about Chase. Constant meltdowns and mood swings. Major anxiety problems possibly stemming from his relationship with his dad.

3:30pm - Missed call from Chase's school office

5:00pm - 2 missed calls from Chase's classroom (odd since school ends at 2pm)

5:30pm - Spoke with Ms. Sally, Chase's teacher. Chase spent all day in the support room. Horrible rages, irritability, vulgar, aggressive etc. Ms. Sally is very concerned. Scheduled an emergency meeting for Jared, Chase, psychologist and MRT at 8:30am tomorrow (Wednesday)

5:45pm - Spoke with nanny and Chase. Chase still irritable and sad. Called MRT (from work) to go to the house to help support Chase. They ended up talking to Chase on the phone for a long time. Seemed to help.

11:50pm - I came home and sat with my sleeping little man. So peaceful. So sweet. So sad.

Nervous about the meeting in the morning. Not sure why. Also not sure why I'm writing in sentence fragments.

vacuum

Chase raged tonight. Thank goodness our neighbor was over and just swept up Aimee and left the house. Chase threw a vacuum at me. One of many heavy objects.

Jared came after he calmed down. And we (yes I said WE) emptied out Chase's room. No dressers, desks etc. Just clothes hanging on a pole in the closet, a huge wooden bed that is in one piece with 4 drawers attached underneath.

Hopefully this helps when Chase gets out of hand. I can't have him throwing large objects at me or hurting himself.

I'm lonely tonight though. Its one of those nights where you just want someone to hold you.