Its been sooooo long!

It has been so long since I wrote on this blog.

Here are some updates:

Chase is now in 4th grade and still going to the school for kids with emotional issues. However he is really excelling and for the first time ever, has reached a level 3. When he gets to level 5, the school starts considering returning the student to a mainstream school.

Chase is still on Geodon, Lamictal and Clonidine. Its been about two years on these three meds and he is still stable.

Chase has been out of the hospital for over a year now!

Aimee is in Kindergarten and absolutely adores school. She has been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. She sees a therapist and is doing well.

The kids haven't heard from or seen their biological father in over a year. Thankfully they have H in their lives and they adore him and feel safe and secure with him.

We bought a new (much bigger) home in November. Still in the same town but its great that all 3 of our kids have their own room and they also have a playroom.

I am starting a web design business again. I'll put a link on this blog when my site is up and running.

H and I are still in love and been talking about possible wedding bells in the next couple years....

That's all I can think of right now.

updates

It seems as if school ended for Chase and my life just went into overdrive! HAPPY overdrive, with one giant speedbump.

1. School ended. Chase had better grades than ever before.
2. Aimee turned 5 years old and began acting as if she is 13. Ugh.
3. Chase attended summer school and for the first time ever, rose above level 1, all the way to level 2. This is a huge deal because if he can achieve level 3 and maintain, he might be able to return to a regular school. No hurry, but I sure am a proud mama.
4. My appendix decided it was time to blow. Luckily the surgeon caught it with just enough time to get it out before it ruptured. Four days in a hospital and four weeks off work due to the giant open incision that was made because it was such a rush operation.
5. Chase turned 9 years old on the day I was released from the hospital.
6. Aimee is preparing to begin Kindergarten on August 1.
7. Chase is preparing to begin Football. He does not return to school until August 24.
8. Chase's psychiatrist, an amazing doctor, left Kaiser. We miss him already. His new psychiatrist is actually the first one we saw when Chase was 4. She is the one that said the word "Bipolar" for the first time after evaluating Chase. She is also about 30 minutes from home, which is why we changed doctors in the first place. She is worth the drive.
9. We took Chase to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. He loves rollercoasters and the beach so it was the PERFECT day trip.

Thats about all I can think of right now. Like I always say, if I'm not posting, it means things are good and I am using my energy to smile and laugh with my family.

Life is good

What a great month this has turned out to be! And its not even over yet. I'll highlight the ups and downs for you.

Crummy parts

-Aimee has seasonal allergies that are definetly considered severe. Without treatment, they turned into a nasty sinus/ear infection. She is slowly recovering and clearly feels better.
-I keep gaining weight and am starting to worry. I don't eat differently and have even cut out soda. I'm much better at portion control than at any other point in my life. I'm on my feet for most of every day until my kids go to sleep. It doesn't make sense.
-Chase's school is considering keeping him in 3rd grade for another year so he can improve his reading skills. I agree with the school and think that putting him in 4th grade next year would really be setting him up for failure, but I also don't want to destroy his self esteem by holding him back.
-Aimee will likely need glasses because she has an astigmatism in both eyes already. They will recheck her before kindergarten.

Happy parts

-Chase's uncle Kevin and I met with Chase's therapist today. The therapist feels that working with the family will help make the most of his treatment. I totally agree and am so thankful that Kevin is willing to go along with it.
-Chase is doing his homework with less of a struggle lately. It creates a much smoother afternoon for everyone.
-Temporarily I will work a swing shift on thursdays instead of a graveyard. Maybe that will help with my insomnia.
-I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last saturday. Why is this a happy thing?? Because after we talked about it and worked it out, he took it upon himself to have a long talk with Chase "Man to Man." He was teaching Chase that adults can have arguments and still love each other. Chase and I both learned a lesson that day. My boyfriend is in it for the long haul.
-I am on my way to becoming a certified ART (Aggression Replacement Training) facilitator. Its a great program that I will teach to the kids at work but also use some of the skills to work with Chase.
-Baby Erika will be born in two months and I feel so blessed that I get to be there when she is born. Baby shower #1 is this weekend and then Baby shower #2 (that i'm hosting) is in June. Meredith and Dave are going to be awesome parents and have an awesome auntie waiting to help out. (that would be ME by the way!)
-Chase has really found motivation, purpose and strength in the word of God. Church is becoming a safe and peaceful place for him. He wants to attend EVERY event there.

Thats enough for the updates. I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face. Life is good. God is Great.

biology?

I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.

Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.

I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.

A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.

But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.

Today

Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!

It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.

Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.

harry potter and tire-swings

Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.

The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.

Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?

Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.

I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.

Storm

Parenting is about making decisions. Starting from the moment of conception. For me there was a choice to be made about whether or not I was capable at 19 years old of being a mom. No real dilemma for me, it would be hard but I knew I could be a mom. From that point on, the decisions are smaller but just as life altering. Most recently the decision of medications and hospitalizations etc.

Fast forward to the present time. I am watching my son start spinning off into what I know is a world full of psychosis, mania and aggression. ::::Warning::: metaphor coming... Its as if we are standing in a light mist of rain. I see the clouds getting darker and the rain slowly increasing. Chase is headed in a direction and all I can do is hold his hand and pray. We can stand in the rain and be ok, until the flooding begins and then we can't get dry. Once things get that bad, there is no decision to be made. Doctors/therapists etc will make it for me. But the flooding always causes damage that lingers long after the sun comes out.

Am I just waiting and stalling so I don't have to make the decision?

I know my son. The storm is coming. Its my job to keep BOTH of my kids safe. No matter what.

a few pics

pics

Chase is back in the hospital. The doctor ordered an immediate med wash. By Monday he will be off ALL medications and we will start over. Seroquel was a BAD med for him. Here are pics of the most recent 20 hour stint in the Emergency Room.

Aimee's prekindergarten picture. Clearly they didn't bother to brush her hair before taking the picture. But she's cute no matter HOW messy her hair is. Hehehe.

Chase's Third Grade picture. So handsome and grown up looking.

please pray

I don't have a lot to say right now except please pray for Chase. His stability is slowly disappearing and I'm afraid that his current behaviors could cause him to be hospitalized again soon. We are really going through a rough time around here. I may have to have Aimee stay with my mom for a few days, while I'm at work, so I know she is safe. But my mom leaves for China on Oct. 4....and then what do I do with Aimee when Chase is being violent or scary? I'm really nervous for this upcoming month.

pics and tv show

Check out some pictures of Chase and A having a ton of fun jumping into the Delta. Over and over and over again!

So the show on Discovery Health Channel: Bipolar Msyteries is airing twice tonight in case anyone wants to watch. I didn't even know they were rerunning it again!

No puke

An entire day with no vomit. WooHoo!!! Turns out that the blueberries were not the cause of Chase's barfing episode but sure did make for a colorful "event." With no clear cause I'm gonna just pray that its over and that the doctors are right...just a virus. But aren't viruses super contaigious? Wouldn't Aimee or I have gotten it by now? Especially with my close contact with all Chase's puke?

On another note, its after 10pm and Aimee is still sitting in her bed reading her books out loud. Very loud actually. Great...

Happy Birthday Aimee!

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with such amazing children. Just watching them makes me smile. For two days in a row now, both kids have been playing peacefully TOGETHER and have such fun. I know its a period of grace but God let me have the time and patience to enjoy every minute of it. Life will have its ups and downs but the ups are the moments that help me get through all the downs. My little one is officially 4 years old today. Yay Aimee! Chase's birthday is next on July 13.

Chase at 1 day old

July 2002

Aimee at 1 day old
June 2006

Seems like forever ago when my kids were tiny little babies. Good night everyone.

Pics and the usual

Things are going ok today. Chase had a good day at school and I got some quality time with my boyfriend. My allergies are eating me alive! I feel like one giant ball of snot. Sexy.

Chase's insomnia is pretty bad but we've tried all the usual sleep meds. Nothing really helps. Benedryl might help a little. All the other ones that are stronger really don't work for Chase. Haldol, clonidine, ambien, seroquel. Ugh. Been there done that. That is one part of his genetics that REALLY take after me. Stupid insomnia.

Attaching some pics that I finally got off my iphone. Enjoy.

This is a pic of Aimee after she dug through Chase's swim bag. Goggles and flipflops. And jammies. Aimee loves Sara so much. And I'm sure Sara loves her...but......

Chase at the Disneyland Hotel pool. Looking cool.

Showing off the new ears and light saber.

Sitting in the "A" of the California Adventures sign. Nice and comfy until some weird tourist people needed to take a picture with every single letter.

Gossip, nicknames and stability

I think the verdict from my previous post is: (dun dun dun) He was getting a cold and his body was trying to fight it off. Phew. Didn't see anymore signs of depression. Thank goodness.

Another fun day with Chase. I am in awe of each and every stable moment. Which means I'm standing there with my mouth hung open looking like an idiot a lot. Chase is helpful, patient, silly, reasonable, hyper, friendly and one of the best judges of his stability is that he is PLAYING with Aimee. When he's cycling, Aimee can't even look at him without Chase getting irritated. Today they spent hours playing together. I think the nasty bipolar bug that takes over our lives is hiding outside. Stay there.

As far as everything else, I'm really struggling with my own personal issues. I know this blog is about Chase but its also the only real therapy I get (besides Howie the dog.)

Work is really hard. The "inmates" are irritating but they are the least of my worries there. I can DO my job and don't get stressed over it anymore. But coworkers can be so mean and hurtful. I keep having coworkers asking me if I'm pregnant. They know d*&med well that I'm not. They also spend so much time judging others that I give up on really feeling comfortable with them. According to the gossip from my coworkers since my divorce, I will have sex with any guys I work with. And I do it at work according to the gossip. Only one word comes to mind: Ewww. I try to remember that people just gossip because they are bored, but I do take it personal. And coworkers even gossip to the inmates about me. I am so far from being the person they think I am. But they are just lame, and I know who I am.

I'm also worried because I continue to gain weight and there is no reason that I can think of. And with a recovering anorexic, that really screws with my head.

I keep finding myself with my phone in my hand to call my dad. He's been gone nearly 6 months and I still do it. Tonight while tucking Chase into bed, I realized that all the nicknames my dad called me, I call Chase. Never noticed. "Punkin. Kiddo. Sleepyhead." I can still smell him remember the feel of his skin. I can still remember his voice and the good advice he always gave. I remember his pet peeves and his short temper. I remember going to work with him and him being patient while I asked a million questions. I am so lucky to have those memories. I can only hope to be half the parent that my dad was to me.

I really appreciate everyone's comments on my blog. I love that my words can bring comfort or acceptance to anyone. All the mom's that have bipolar children are courageous and admirable. I think we are all chosen to raise these special children.

That's it for now folks. Its a teensy bit past my bedtime.

Pics

Chase was having fun at a creek while mom took a break from the long bike ride.

This is what happens when Aimee does her hair and makeup. The black stuff all over is mascara. Waterproof mascara. Ugh.

I don't have a lot to say tonight. I'm tired and ready for bed. Both kids are doing well. Back to work in the morning.

grandkids and pics

Below are two pics from friday afternoon. Both kids got ice cream from the ice cream truck. Of course it was a MESS so I wouldn't let them in the house with it! Mean mommy! Hehe.

I'm very worn out but still smiling. Chase's teacher said that Chase had his best day so far! I'm so relieved and I can see in his face that he's thrilled and so proud. I never could have guessed that we would have such a great week. I am thankful for each moment. Even their cute little fingers poking on my cheeks at 5am to get out of bed and play with them.

Yesterday we were able to resume our weekly family dinners. I didn't realize how much I had missed them. My dad would be proud that our family is keeping with his traditions and values. As I sat on the deck last night with my family, I started thinking about the grandkids (of my mom and dad.) Regardless of all their flaws and struggles, they obviously did something right.

*Samantha is a beautiful young woman who values her independence. She is intelligent and intuitive. In some ways I actually look up to her for knowing WHO she is and refusing to give that up for anything or anyone. She has a strong faith and isn't afraid to help others find Jesus.

*Zachary (my Zachy) is going to be an amazing husband and father someday. He is truly a child of God and has already found his calling in life. Zachy will be a minister and maybe even a missionary overseas. He has the quiet courage to stand up for what he believes. He knows how to make us laugh and is more compassionate than any teenage boy I have ever known.

*Chase...well you all know about him. He's handsome, smart, silly and caring. He is protective of his family, especially his sister. Chase is proof that mental illness does not change who the person is inside. He will be an example for others struggling with mental illness and isn't afraid to share his story.

*Aimee is also protective of her family, but particularly Chase. She loves to cuddle and is quite athletic. If Aimee had a motto, it would be "Everything in its place." Its all about cleanliness and organization for Aimee. Oh and dressing up in my clothes and putting on my makeup.

Not sure why I wanted to share that. Something to do with my dad I guess. I know before he passed he was able to look at his grandkids and know that they were each special in their own way and I know that brought him pride and peace. I miss him. So much.

Today's list

Life is good.

1. I'm finally recovered from my nasty cold. I had it for over a week. Yay for being able to breathe!
2. I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone today and stood up for myself. Although it might cause some future tension. Scratch that - it WILL cause future tension.
3. I installed the special window stuff to keep Chase safe in his room. No more worries about broken window during rages.
4. The discovery channel show is called Bipolar Mysteries: Families in Crisis. It will be on discovery health channel on may 6 at 9pm. I'm nervous but excited to share our story.
5. Aimee is finally getting a grasp on manners.
6. Chase's TBS worker, Natalie, came over today. She is really experienced and I liked her right away. She calls herself a "behavioral coach" and will start observations next week.
7. Chase is doing better than I could have imagined.

Days like today are what keep me going.

He's home.

Chase came home. Finally. I picked him up at noon from San Francisco and he slept during the ride home. His homecoming was one of the sweetest that I've ever seen, even on sappy tv shows. He ran up to Aimee and hugged her, practically swinging her around the front yard. I think she was in shock and didn't respond until we got in the house. Then she started squealing and hugging him until they both fell on the floor laughing. They spent the next two hours playing together and then Chase played outside until dinner.

I am so happy to have Chase home and feeling hopeful that he will remain stable. But there is a concern. One real concern. I think I brought home the wrong kid?!?!?! He looks like Chase, sounds like Chase and even laughs like Chase. So why is this kid asking for more chores and begging me to let him help with laundry and vacuuming?!?! Where did my kid go? Did I end up with Chase Version 2.0? I don't mind at all!

I wish you could all see the smile on my face. I hope you all have a chance to know that your children are safely and peacefully asleep in their own beds. I hope that you hold your children close and cling to that feeling. Please remind me of this evening whenever I start slipping into a ditch of self-pity. I am so blessed.

Pics and Disneyland (not together)

I think I mentioned in another post that my animals, Sara and Dax are slowly getting used to each other. See the pic below for proof. Lately they both sleep in bed with me. I only make a huge deal out of it because in October they wouldn't be in the same room.


Aimee was not happy to go to bed tonight but when she finally went to sleep, she curled up like little bear surrounded by books.

My boyfriend and I had a great visit with Chase today. He was smiling and laughing and showing us how he builds "structures" with Magnetix. We are still unclear on the transfer date but at this point it won't be before Wednesday. Monday is tomorrow and they can't move him until the intake doc accepts him. And tuesday is the big IEP that cannot be rescheduled. I wish we could hurry up and get him to the RTC. Chase doesn't do too well with transitions so lets get it over with already!

I know its too early to think about, but I plan on taking Chase to Disneyland when he comes home from the RTC.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up in a week or two?