He's home.

Chase came home. Finally. I picked him up at noon from San Francisco and he slept during the ride home. His homecoming was one of the sweetest that I've ever seen, even on sappy tv shows. He ran up to Aimee and hugged her, practically swinging her around the front yard. I think she was in shock and didn't respond until we got in the house. Then she started squealing and hugging him until they both fell on the floor laughing. They spent the next two hours playing together and then Chase played outside until dinner.

I am so happy to have Chase home and feeling hopeful that he will remain stable. But there is a concern. One real concern. I think I brought home the wrong kid?!?!?! He looks like Chase, sounds like Chase and even laughs like Chase. So why is this kid asking for more chores and begging me to let him help with laundry and vacuuming?!?! Where did my kid go? Did I end up with Chase Version 2.0? I don't mind at all!

I wish you could all see the smile on my face. I hope you all have a chance to know that your children are safely and peacefully asleep in their own beds. I hope that you hold your children close and cling to that feeling. Please remind me of this evening whenever I start slipping into a ditch of self-pity. I am so blessed.

advice? FMLA?

This is all a lot for one person to handle. 99% of the time I can keep it together. I have a feeling that this will be a long blog....so get in and buckle up for one heck of a ride.

I crawled in bed with my daddy tonight. he's been pretty delerious all day. Nothing he was saying was making sence, and his eyes seemed as if they were so tired that he could hardly lift his eyelids. As hard as it is to watch my daddy die in front of my own eyes, I have to keep it in perspective (as my mom says.)

Some people are at work one day and are told their dad was killed in a car accident. Things that wanted to be said never had the chance to get said. They don't get to cuddle in their daddy's arm and listen to him breathing. I am so thankful for this.

I am also thankful for the relationship I have with my dad. It was a real rollercoaster growing up with him. He has an awful temper, can be just a TAD stubborn. But my daddy taught me love, compassion, and that all things are possible.

Tonight, as I lay in bed next to my dad, he opened his eyes, look right at me and said "Hi punkin." I started crying. He pulled me close to him and rubbed my arm while saying "Somehow it [my life] will all work out." I told him to watch over Chase from above. Chase really needs an angel. I told him I will take care of mom. I looked up at him and tears were streaming down his wrinkled face and collecting at the top of his oxygen nose thing.

I get anxious just knowing that my mom is at their big house taking care of my dad all alone. I feel like I should be there. I have papers for Family Medical Leave. I don't have a ton of vacation time left though. Should I take the time off to be there with my parents now, or do I wait until he passes and then take the time off. I could really use your opinions.

I haven't mentioned to Chase that the end is getting closer for his grandpa. I think he can sense it though. Chase has improved a little bit. I will talk with his doctors in the morning and hope to meet with them before I go to work.

Ann ,the nanny starts tomorrow. That reminds me that I need to go get some groceries. Now that I've written so much that you are probably just seeing spots, I'm going to bed.

Saturdays

1. Aimee is finally making progress on the whole "potty training" thing. I think.

2. Tomorrow is Father's Day. I will go to see my dad tomorrow night after work and after I visit Chase. Jared won't be seeing his own kids....since he's in Tahoe with girlfriend. Shocking.

3. Chase is in a weird spot, or so it seems. I think after the rage, the depression has set in. Its usually a bit more gradual falling into a cycle like this, but maybe I just didn't see it since he was in the hospital. When Aimee and I got there today at 1pm, he had fallen asleep on his floor in his room. When he woke up, he crawled into my lap and "snuggled up" with me. That made my day.

4. As always, Saturday nights are hard. Truth is, people invite me out a lot on Saturday nights. I always say I can't, because I work on Sunday mornings. I never used to be like that. I remember even 8-9 months ago going out with friends on saturday nights and going to work a few hours later since I didn't have the kids on those nights. I wonder what has changed in the last 8-9 months, besides my entire life.

hospice

Chase is at the hospital. The one that he was in during his last "stay." Once again changing meds. They are likely going to discontinue the thorazine and abilify, and add zyprexa. So he would be on Clonidine and Zyprexa. We shall see....

My dad is a fighter. After a few days of constant hallucinations, he had a great morning. He was awake with me for about 2 hours. We were talking about his neighbors, boats that were sold in the neighborhood, my kiddos, my job, my brother, my mom, pooping, etc. He knew who I was the whole time. Before I left, I leaned over him for a hug and he hugged me back and rubbed my arm. I know that sounds lame, but things like that are what make my dad special. He is not afraid to show emotion. Love, sadness, happiness, and especially anger. lol.

The hospice nurse was there when I was with my dad. She took his blood pressure and pulse. She wrote it down but didn't show it to us or even mention it. Makes me wonder... He is also off all meds that aren't for pain management, or for pooping. His heart is failing and his cancer is spreading. All of those sorts of things are making this so real to me.

Aimee had another great day at preschool. When I picked her up, her hair was a mess. It WAS in pigtails, but she took the hairties out and her hair was still in the shape of the pigtails. Too bad I didn't have my camera handy.

I'm going to take some Ambien tonight. You will know that it helped if I'm not writing a random post in the middle of the night....

the biggest hug

Today was better than yesterday. Got a little nap this morning, assuming Jared was visiting Chase tonight. He said he was. He promised he would. At noon I sent him a text to confirm, and sure enough, tonight won't "work out" for him. Shocking. So after breaking the news to Chase, he begged me to come visit. It was clear that he just wanted a giant hug from someone who loves him, and I am capable of that.

So I hopped in my car quickly to get to the hospital before work. When I got there I was taken to the little playfield because the kids were "playing outside." It was so hot out there that the kids were in the shade hanging out. Chase and I explored different weeds that he insists are plants. Then we watched the guy on the roof who was working on the air conditioning unit. After a few minutes, it was too hot, so the staff brought everyone back inside. Then Chase gave me the biggest hug with the tightest squeaze and whispered in my ear that he was happy I came so he didn't feel all alone.

Then I went to work and had a good shift. It sure helps when the group of kids are laid back and easy to be around. When I came home tonight, I kissed my little girl and said a prayer for my little boy.

Tomorrow I will talk to the hospital doc, social worker, county mental health worker, child advocate and probably the school. And at some point, I have to go to work. Tomorrow has suddenly become today. Its after midnight. Guess its time for me to close my eyes and try to sleep. Good night.