Chase and my dad

I'm writing this as my sleeping meds are kicking in so be patient with typos and run-on sentences please!

Chase is still in the hospital but scheduled to come home on Monday afternoon. Woohoo!! Just in time to put up the Christmas decorations and tree. He's doing very well and the doc started him back on the Geodon at a very low dose. The doc felt like he did fantiastic on a low dose of it for 7 months and only came back to the hospital when the dosage got to the max amount. It might have been that such a high dose was activating him. We shall see....

Last night I spent with my mom. My dad passed Dec 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. Last night my mom and I went to my dads favorite place to go during his last few years of life, Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino. As I sat at his favorite kind of game, video poker and played, at 9:06pm the power went out in the whole casino. I know my dad did that as a little wave "hello". I was hoping for a wave "hello" in the form of a Royal Flush, but I'll settle for a power outage. He probably would have said, "You don't get a Royal Flush by just playing poker. There is strategy and skill involved." But heck, dad, it would have made for a nice Christmas for the kids!

I initially was dreading the trip to Jackson. I thought my mom would fall apart. She didn't. We cried and held each other but for the most part, we enjoyed the places that my dad enjoyed and we felt very close to him.

I need to go or I'm going to cry. My dad was not just ANY man or guy. He was so much more than that to so many people. I'm so lucky I got 27 years with him.

God Bless.

um ok

As we approach the one year anniversary of my dad's passing, I am shocked at the grief that still seems so raw and fresh. Is it normal to still cry everyday after a year?

On a good note, I am scheduled to pick Chase up from the hospital tomorrow at noon. So he will be home for Turkey Day!

I don't know how I'm going to keep going financially. The more overtime I work, the more I pay in childcare. My bank account is empty as soon as I get my paycheck. The tiny amount of child support I receive barely covers Chase's medicine copays. So now I'm staring at the bill from Chase's school for his school lunches for over $100 and the reality is, I can't pay it. What a nightmare. And even thinking of buying the kids Christmas presents from Santa seems impossible at this point. Can we please skip Christmas this year? Otherwise they are going to think Santa doesn't exist anymore. Ugh.

Time for bed. Woohoo

Father's day tears

:::Teensie update since yesterdays entry::: Chase is actually 59lbs. If anyone has any ideas to help him put on weight in a healthy way, let me know. Maybe Ensure drinks or something? He isn't weak or anything and has the same amount of energy as always.

Kevin is back and its nice to have an extra set of hands (and eyes!) As much as I might complain about him, I couldn't imagine our lives without him around.

Tomorrow is Father's Day so please bear with me. Two rough things are hitting me already. 1. My children haven't seen their father since November and will celebrate their first Father's Day without their father around. 2. Its my first Father's Day without my dad. I have spent every Father's day with my dad since I can remember.

Now that I'm all emotional about a silly Hallmark holiday, I'm going to get comfy in bed and remind myself to be thankful for the men in our lives. Uncle Kevin, Uncle Steve, Zachary and my boyfriend. Hold your dad tight tomorrow please.

A few pics

I don't really feel like posting today but wanted to share a few pics that I came across. The birthday ones are from today. Another rough evening missing my dad. He loved family fun on their dock during the summer time. He always said that is the reason they bought the house on the water. For us to have a place to come together.

Chase liked Aimee's birthday cake.

The kids had a blast swimming with their cousin Sam.

We all had fun swimming in the Delta. Aimee doesn't look happy in this picture but she was really excited to be swimming in the Delta like the "big kids."

A picture I found on my mom's camera from a while back. Our doggie Sara and Aimee.
This is a picture of my beautiful mom and I.

I hope you all have a blessed evening. Hug your loved ones tight and remember that each day together is a gift. And don't forget a good shower after swimming in the Delta....ugh.

last year

Birthdays are coming and after last years fiasco we will be keeping them VERY mellow. For anyone that doesn't remember, I had a big party planned for Aimee's birthday on June 15. Invited kids from her school and lots of family and friends. And then Chase went in the hospital. Again. And then my dad got put on hospice. I was able to notify most people that the party was canceled but there were a few people from the daycare that I had no contact info for. They showed up. Ugh. I felt awful and like such a flake. Everyone understood, but it was still disappointing.

Then we just didn't plan a party for Chase since he was in the hospital anyway. When he came home we did a little party at my parents house so my dad could be there. It actually turned out to be pretty special. My dad was doing really well that day. See pics below.

Gossip, nicknames and stability

I think the verdict from my previous post is: (dun dun dun) He was getting a cold and his body was trying to fight it off. Phew. Didn't see anymore signs of depression. Thank goodness.

Another fun day with Chase. I am in awe of each and every stable moment. Which means I'm standing there with my mouth hung open looking like an idiot a lot. Chase is helpful, patient, silly, reasonable, hyper, friendly and one of the best judges of his stability is that he is PLAYING with Aimee. When he's cycling, Aimee can't even look at him without Chase getting irritated. Today they spent hours playing together. I think the nasty bipolar bug that takes over our lives is hiding outside. Stay there.

As far as everything else, I'm really struggling with my own personal issues. I know this blog is about Chase but its also the only real therapy I get (besides Howie the dog.)

Work is really hard. The "inmates" are irritating but they are the least of my worries there. I can DO my job and don't get stressed over it anymore. But coworkers can be so mean and hurtful. I keep having coworkers asking me if I'm pregnant. They know d*&med well that I'm not. They also spend so much time judging others that I give up on really feeling comfortable with them. According to the gossip from my coworkers since my divorce, I will have sex with any guys I work with. And I do it at work according to the gossip. Only one word comes to mind: Ewww. I try to remember that people just gossip because they are bored, but I do take it personal. And coworkers even gossip to the inmates about me. I am so far from being the person they think I am. But they are just lame, and I know who I am.

I'm also worried because I continue to gain weight and there is no reason that I can think of. And with a recovering anorexic, that really screws with my head.

I keep finding myself with my phone in my hand to call my dad. He's been gone nearly 6 months and I still do it. Tonight while tucking Chase into bed, I realized that all the nicknames my dad called me, I call Chase. Never noticed. "Punkin. Kiddo. Sleepyhead." I can still smell him remember the feel of his skin. I can still remember his voice and the good advice he always gave. I remember his pet peeves and his short temper. I remember going to work with him and him being patient while I asked a million questions. I am so lucky to have those memories. I can only hope to be half the parent that my dad was to me.

I really appreciate everyone's comments on my blog. I love that my words can bring comfort or acceptance to anyone. All the mom's that have bipolar children are courageous and admirable. I think we are all chosen to raise these special children.

That's it for now folks. Its a teensy bit past my bedtime.

grandkids and pics

Below are two pics from friday afternoon. Both kids got ice cream from the ice cream truck. Of course it was a MESS so I wouldn't let them in the house with it! Mean mommy! Hehe.

I'm very worn out but still smiling. Chase's teacher said that Chase had his best day so far! I'm so relieved and I can see in his face that he's thrilled and so proud. I never could have guessed that we would have such a great week. I am thankful for each moment. Even their cute little fingers poking on my cheeks at 5am to get out of bed and play with them.

Yesterday we were able to resume our weekly family dinners. I didn't realize how much I had missed them. My dad would be proud that our family is keeping with his traditions and values. As I sat on the deck last night with my family, I started thinking about the grandkids (of my mom and dad.) Regardless of all their flaws and struggles, they obviously did something right.

*Samantha is a beautiful young woman who values her independence. She is intelligent and intuitive. In some ways I actually look up to her for knowing WHO she is and refusing to give that up for anything or anyone. She has a strong faith and isn't afraid to help others find Jesus.

*Zachary (my Zachy) is going to be an amazing husband and father someday. He is truly a child of God and has already found his calling in life. Zachy will be a minister and maybe even a missionary overseas. He has the quiet courage to stand up for what he believes. He knows how to make us laugh and is more compassionate than any teenage boy I have ever known.

*Chase...well you all know about him. He's handsome, smart, silly and caring. He is protective of his family, especially his sister. Chase is proof that mental illness does not change who the person is inside. He will be an example for others struggling with mental illness and isn't afraid to share his story.

*Aimee is also protective of her family, but particularly Chase. She loves to cuddle and is quite athletic. If Aimee had a motto, it would be "Everything in its place." Its all about cleanliness and organization for Aimee. Oh and dressing up in my clothes and putting on my makeup.

Not sure why I wanted to share that. Something to do with my dad I guess. I know before he passed he was able to look at his grandkids and know that they were each special in their own way and I know that brought him pride and peace. I miss him. So much.

Curve Balls and Tequila

Life has a way at throwing curve balls. Right? Here's a couple that got chucked at my head today:

*Chase will be transferred on tuesday AFTER the big important IEP. Yikes.
*In order to pay my bills for the next month, I have to work 2 overtime shifts each week. That equals two AM shifts, two PM shifts and three GRAVEYARDS each week. Thankfully overtime is available on the graveyards.....yay...
*No one bothered to mention to me that mourning for the loss of my daddy could jump up out of nowhere and knock me down without warning.
*Child support paperwork arrived that reminded me that my kids haven't seen their dad since mid november. By their dad's choice. Pathetic. Heartbreaking.

Just thinking of the plans for tomorrow (well technically it's already tuesday) is making me anxious.
1. Wake up with Aimee.
2. Have big talk with Kevin about my expectations while he lives with me.
3. Go to pharmacy to pick up Chase's meds and my refill of Ambien
4. Chase's IEP in Concord. Tune in...to see Kristen act like a angry mama bear...
5. Drive to Vallejo to pick up Chase.
6. Drive with Chase to the new RTC.
7. Tour of RTC and get Chase settled.
8. Cry on the drive home while I miss my boy and question each decision I have ever made.

Tomorrow will be busy so I'd better shut my eyes now. I'm out of Ambien. If I can't sleep I might just resort to a shot of tequila. Don't judge me :-P

Tears not words

Chase is still in the hospital with a new med plan.

As for mom....... I'm not well. My anxiety is off the charts. I am grieving for my dad a lot right now. So many things I would talk to him about.

I love my boyfriend but not sure our lives can blend. We are taking a break right now and it hurts.

I have so much else going on in my head but it just comes out as tears, not words.

My friends

:::WARNING - LONG AND SAPPY POST::::

Last night was a roller coaster at the "Celebration of Life." Everyone that had a part in my dad's life was there last night. I saw people that I hadn't seen in years. I don't have anything too "touching" to say tonight. I am so thankful for my family. But I am also so thankful for my friends. The women that have been my best friends since kindergarten were all at the same table last night showing their love for my dad. It was really cool to have them all sitting at the same table. And my boyfriend was there! They all got to know him a little bit and I think he understands me better after meeting my crazy friends.

I don't really do this, but I'm going to. Most of the women who were at the celebration last night read my blog regularly. And EVERYONE knows that I don't get nearly as emotional in person as I do when I write.

Lindy - You were my best friend throughout my childhood. My dad loved you dearly and for 10 years, you saw him on a daily basis. He loved that you still visited and got to watch you grow into a beautiful young woman. In the end, you stood by him and by me. We have a history with each other and our families that time cannot wash away.

Lou - My dad knew trouble when he saw it! Whenever we argued, he always took your side and told me that our friendship was too important to let go. Your visit in his last days really lit him up. When he didn't recognize much of anything, he knew who you were and was so happy to see you. He never gave up on you, or us. And I won't either.

Ashes - Our ski trips were so much fun and my dad was always happy to drag you with us. I think he trusted you (crazy!). You were one of the people he always asked about. He knew that you would support me when I needed you.

Meredith - Over the last few years I have leaned on you. My dad felt good knowing that even though he wasn't around to help with my kids, that you would be there. He knew that during any emergency, you would drop what you were doing and drive like a mad-woman to be with me. That comforted him. I know he wanted to tell you that. I don't think he ever did.

Lis - The last time my dad saw you was at his house in Discovery Bay. You brought Sean with you. That night my dad told me that you were going to marry "that kid." He was sad that we stopped talking but glad for "that stupid website" that got us back in touch.

Laura - For the first year or so, my dad wasn't sure you even talked! When you got healthy again, I showed him the website of your progress. I found out later that he was bragging about you to a friend that was going to get gastric bypass. "My daughters friend lost over a 100lbs through hard work alone." He was so proud.

Kristie - I wish you could have known him. You would have loved him and it would have explained why I'm such a nut!

I love you all. Really.

my dad

Chase had a good day today. The bus driver even said chase did perfect.

I've been in a cranky mood all week. I told the nanny she wouldn't get paid for this week since she hasn't worked at all. I feel good about that. It takes a lot to be stern in my personal life. At work, thats another story. The next conversation with her is that I will start to pay her hourly or daily, and only for watching Aimee since she seems to cause so many issues with Chase. So watching only one kid is cheaper than both. And if she decides this isn't enough, she is welcome to move on.

Tomorrow night is my dad's memorial celebration (its his birthday). I'm really not into it. I cry so much already and don't need to hear other peoples stories about him. My dad and I have PLENTY of our own stories. I think the dread of this thing is contributing to my "delightful" mood this week. Ha.

So to make myself feel better, I'm going to share some stories about my dad, Ron.

Camping in the rain in Yosemite with Lis and my parents

My dad throwing me in the pool. any pool. He'd just throw me!

Lindy and I showing my parents our dances and then my dad would get up and show his. And boy was that nuts. More like a forwards moonwalk.

Making sure we always had a pool at any hotel we stayed in. He knew I'd be occupied!

Learning about the farming and carpentry stuff my grandfather did.

Getting 2nd place dancing with my daddy at a Luau in Hawaii

Dancing on his feet at weddings

Holding me and crying on my wedding day.

A joke he called "DogJaw"

Holding me and crying on the day I left Jared. He called me from his hospital bed to reassure me that things will work out.

Holding me accountable for my mistakes.

Yelling "I've got a NEEED for SPEEEED!!!! as we skied down the sierra mountains.

Breaking the crystals in my toes.

Lying on the couch with him watching Nascar races.

Him BEGGING me to stop singing in the car.

Holding him while he lay in his hospital bed and whispering to each other. Curling up in his arms while he told me "Everything is going to work out punkin. Just make sure you are there for your mom. She is the honey in my hive. My angel bear."

Update after hiatus

So after the longest hiatus between posts....I'm back and ready to roll. or type. And did I even spell/use hiatus right? I've said it a million times but never wrote it. oops sidebar.

Chase is doing so well that it almost feels foreign to me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it! I know that might sound crazy to any of you without bipolar kids or kids on the spectrum. Basketball is really reaching my goal. Chase has a place that he can go for an hour each week, hang out with kids that don't see him as "different" and build self confidence. And on top of that, he is quite the player!

Even homework and school struggles seemed to have lessened this week. With all the improvments since Dec 9...I'm convinced I know why. I said two things to my dad on the night before he passed. I said, "When you go, I'm counting on you to watch over Chase. He needs you to look out for him and to calm some of the storm inside him." And of course I told him I love him. As irritated as my dad often made me, he had the opposite effect on Chase. Chase was mellow and peaceful around Grandpa. I miss him so much.

Aimee is a little stinker! Her little personality is really growing. She likes to do her own hair (usually involving a headband.) She likes to watch Dora about 5 inches from the TV screen when I'm not in the room. Future problems with vision maybe? And she LOVES to cook/bake.

As for me....I'm the real nut-job around this place. The ups and downs of grief are not what I was expecting. One day I'm ok and can talk about him and think about him and smile. Another day I feel such an emptiness from the loss of my daddy. Tomorrow will be one month.

The independent film is now in negotiatings with the Discovery Channel and should be ready to start filming by February. ::::enter nerves here::::

And by now my favorite little blue pill (its just AMBIEN you sicko's!) is kicking in and guiding me to my pillow. Good night and thanks for being patient with me.

Ashes to Ashes

A few updates before its time for my "therapy."

Chase went with Rick, Uncle Kevin and Uncle Adam to Yuba City for the week. He comes home on tuesday. I'm so happy that they did this for him. Chase does so well when he's one on one with an adult, especially a male. Rick is such a positive male role model for Chase. We are so blessed. Even my dad told Rick how thankful he is that Chase has him.

Aimee is spending the night at my mom's house for the first time in probably 8 months (since my dad got really sick.) My mom will watch her tomorrow when I go to work.

We decided on a place for my dad's memorial celebration and I think its perfect. Email me if you want details.

Therapy Time:

I was doing okay today. Even though I knew that today we would be spreading my dad's ashes, I was doing okay.

And then I walked in my mom's (and dad's?) house. I went into their room. Something was missing. No - Not my dad. That one is WAY too obvious. My dad's white velcro shoes were not sitting neatly next to the bed. As I looked around the room I realized that they were gone. I crumbled to the floor sobbing about some stupid velcro shoes. My mom came in and hugged me on the floor. She told me that she didn't get rid of the shoes, that she put them in his closet. That didn't help.

Please don't think I'm a freak that thinks everything should be left as it was, as if my dad will be walking through the front door. But I'm not ready for such a tangible sign that he is really gone.

Fast forward a few hours. We [immediate family] went out on the water somewhere on a floating vessel with my dad's ashes. As we poured them (very legally of course), into the water the song "Amazing Grace" was playing in the background. After the ashes were in the water (far far away in a legal spot) my mom put a bouquet of flowers in the water. It was done exactly as my dad had hoped. So where is this closure that everyone says comes with that moment....

If anyone knows of any bible verses that might help me right now, please send them my way. I'm in such a deep place that I don't even know where to look.

stuff

I miss my dad. So much. My mom is able to keep herself busy and masks her grief with "chores" and organizing the memorial celebration (scheduled for January 15). I find myself wondering what my dad would do or say about everything. So many times I end up laughing because I know what his responses would be. For example, I knocked my elbow on the table yesterday, HARD! He would have said, "What did you do that for? Better get some ice on it before it gets swollen and you can't move it!" Smart ass.

Good day

Seems as good a time as any to do my weekly update

Aimee

• Aimee is spending her days dressing her "babies" for different events. Cant leave the house in pajamas of course. Gotta put baby in a dress, etc etc. Super cute
  
• Aimee goes to preschool tomorrow but they have the Christmas show in the evening. Aimee really doesn't want to do it. Do I bring her anyway?
  
• We made sugar cookies today that turned into one big cookie the size of the cookie sheet. Still tasty!
  

Chase

• He is doing well. Incredible even. First basketball practice was a ton of fun. Chase was focused and smiled the entire time. We need to work on "chest passes" and dribbling technique. After the hour of practice, he wanted to stay! He would have practiced for another hour.
  
• Besides the daily homework struggles, Chase is doing well in school lately. The teacher says he's less aggressive and more willing to learn. Lots of fidgeting and whining, but those are minor things compared to past behaviors.
  
• Chase went to Grandma's house for the first time since Grandpa died. He looked into his room and started crying. My dad laid in the hospital bed in his room for 6 months and now it is empty. But we did find a little stuffed horse that Chase gave to grandpa to hold. Now he calls it the "Grandpa Horse"
  
• As much as I avoid talking about Jared...... Its very clear to me that his absence has made a huge difference in Chase's behavior. Chase is doing really well overall right now.
  

Everyone else

• Met with the investigator on my "case" at work. Good meeting and I feel like I can relax until I know what my punishment will be, if any.
  
• Great shift at work. The girls missed me.
  
• A true friend went above and beyond the "duties" as a friend. I've always known she'd be there for me. She has NEVER let me down. But what she did for me today went way beyond that. I am so thankful to have her in my life.
  
• Kevin and Rick are here and leave tomorrow night. That puts me in a bad spot for thursday night when I work my graveyard shift so I have to figure that out tomorrow.
  
• BUT it looks like they may come back here and take Chase back to Yuba City with them for a few days!!!!! It would be great for Chase and for me! Then I only need to worry about getting a babysitter for Aimee this weekend instead of both.
  
• I really am at peace with the loss of my father. But what exactly does that mean? Maybe I will elaborate on that thought on tomorrows blog.
  

Good night for now. Today was a good day.

Today

Mom, Dad and I skiing at about 5yrs old

My neice and nephew and my kiddos.

Today was harder than yesterday. Tonight I'm greiving with my mom, all curled up in bed.

Chase had a great week at school. I'm very proud of him.

Watched an episode of Dr. Phil about 2 bipolar girls and I have to say that I no longer will watch the show. He did an awful job trying to REALLY understand early onset bipolar disorder.

Going to bed now. Thank you for all of your prayers and kind words.

My dad is gone...

My daddy passed peacefully on Wednesday December 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. May he rest in peace. As much as I will always miss him, I'm so thankful that he's no longer hurting.

Grandpa

I know this blog is about Chase and all of our adventures with our little family. BUT right now, my life is about my father. My life as a mommy is on hold while my life as a daughter is in the forefront.

Last night Chase came to say goodbye to his grandpa. The hospice doctor told me that saying goodbye can leave a child with an easier grieving process. Being fragile already, I want the process to go as smoothly as possible for Chase.

What I saw when my son entered the room has left me with a whole new respect and awe as a Child of God.

Chase peeked his head in the room and saw grandpa sleeping in the bed. He walked right up to the side of the bed and held his hand. As clear as day, Chase said, "I love you Grandpa. With all my heart." And then he looked at their hands holding each other, let go, and wrapped both of his arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. Then he looked at me and said, "I'm ready to go now."

As we walked to the door, he put his hand on the handle and paused. I heard a sob escape from his little body and by the time we were out the door, he was sobbing and tears were rolling down his pink cheeks.

God blessed Chase with such intuition, compassion and heart.

Comfort

I'm sitting in the hospice house with my dad. Every moment is harder than the last. I've come to realize that peace can sometimes only come with comfort. I don't know how much longer he has in this world, but I do know that he will be comforted and peaceful when he leaves. Please pray for his comfort. And for peace for my mother.

sweet delirium and pics

After 24 hours of NO SLEEP, I'm happy to announce that today was a good day! (mostly)
I thought I'd add some pictures for your viewing pleasure, or maybe if you are just cranky and need to laugh at someone.

The two pics below were taken when Kevin (Lil bro) wanted me to wear the lines on my face like the football players. He didn't think I'd actually do it! But I got proof!
'

This next pic was taken of Chase on Thanksgiving. I'm usually pretty strict about dessert after dinner but my mom spoils Chase just a tad. Hence the cookie hanging out of his mouth before dinner.

And this last pic is the picture I sent to Termite and Pest Control. I guess they don't exterminate these kinds of pets. So they will have to just stay cuddled with me for a while. At least they defecate outside. Usually.

My dad is really confused and scared. He was in so much pain that they upped his methadone and morphine and now he's mentally a mess. Makes my heart ache.

Took the kids to take professional pics with their older cousins, Sam and Zach. The pics turned out great. We will be giving them to my parents for Christmas. But if you are nice, I'll scan them and post them. Chase is so photogenic and really knows how to "work it."

Obviously I'm doing better tonight. Maybe the delirium has set in from not sleeping.