Faith, ART and Open House

Chase is doing FANTASTIC! I couldn't be more pleased with how stable he is right now. One thing that I really admire about Chase is that he is aware when he behaves poorly and takes accountability for it. Working in Juvenile Hall, I have grown to really appreciate it when a kid can admit their faults. Its a huge step to improving behavior.

Another thing that has me smiling is Chase's drive towards his faith. In the past, religion was seldom a topic that Chase would bring up on his own. But since he's started attending church regularly, he questions me constantly about Jesus and God. He has a thirst for stories about Jesus. He always prays before bed and often asks to pray aloud before meals. He seems so at peace when he's talking to God. I'm so glad he has found comfort in Jesus.

Today and tomorrow I am working "regular people" hours. Actually I'm in training both days for work. I'm being trained to be a facilitator for ART (Aggression Replacement Training) on my unit. I'm excited to run ART groups in juvenile hall but I think I'm even more excited to use the skills at home. One of the 3 main components is Anger Control. I'm hoping that I will be able to take some of the pieces of the training to practice with Chase.

Tonight was Chase's Open House at school. This year was a very different experience. Chase has progressed so much that even his teacher made a point to pull me aside to brag about him.

Thats it for now, allergies are awful and the benedryl is making me tired. Even though I'm sneezing and itchy, I couldn't imagine feeling more blessed.

The stranger

I posted yesterday that I was able to attend the entire Easter service at church but didn't elaborate. So keep reading...

There was a tall thin woman sitting next to me during the entire service. She was probably in her late 40's.

Towards the end of the sermon, Pastor Larry brought some points that moved me to tears. Ok I'm lying. It moved me to a sobbing blubbering mess (with NO tissue handy!). After the service ended, I turned to leave to go get Chase and Aimee from their Sunday School classes. The woman gently touched my arm and introduced herself. She said that she would sit with me in the prayer room if I wanted to talk and pray. I explained that I was in a hurry to get Chase (I didn't want him getting anxious.) She asked if she could walk with me to his class so we could talk.

By the time we got to his classroom, I felt like I had made a friend. Someone that saw my pain and stepped out of her own comfort zone to comfort a stranger. We exchanged phone numbers and she promised to call me sometime this week. I know for some people, that might sound a little crazy. And I, of all people, have issues talking to "strangers" and never let my guard down unless I'm comfortable with someone. I have no idea what led me to talk to this woman or share anything with her. But I did and it felt right, like God led me to sit next to her in a church full of hundreds of strangers.

On another note, Chase went back to school today after Spring Break. I'm anxious to see how his day was. At home he has been having a hard time sleeping past 4am but no significant changes in behavior.

Thats all for now. My heart feels warm and peaceful today.

Easter Pics!

I'm on my way to bed after the best Easter I can remember. A great weekend with family, friends and even the kids at juvie. The best part??? Chase had a GREAT time at Sunday School while I was able to worship the Lord during the ENTIRE service.

changes

Things have been fairly stable around our house! My mind is jumbled after a busy day so watch out for scattered thoughts... My boyfriend and his son are slowly becoming more and more involved in our lives. NO I'm not in a hurry and NO I'm not planning on a wedding anytime soon. But YES I am in love and enjoying every minute of it! I applied for Social Security Child Disability based on Chase's illness. The result of my hour long phone interview: DENIED. I make too much money. BEFORE taxes of course. My net income would totally qualify, but they don't care that the county takes $1500/mo for not-optional retirement. Maybe I'll just quit my job, get on welfare and then have more services and cash to raise my kids. They just sh*t on those of us that are doing things the "right" way. Last sunday Chase really seemed pulled by his illness away from his faith in God. I made the tough decision to go to church without him. Aimee still went with me. I have so many friends that I really look up to that aren't shy about giving me advice. (Bless them!) They remind me that it is important to lead my child to the place where he can learn about God's love. But when it ultimately I need to focus strengthening my own relationship with God first. So that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in such a different place than I was a month ago. It has nothing to do with Chase's stability but everything to do with a change within me. That's it for now. Bedtime.

short

Not in the mood to write but I owe you an update, so here goes. Both kids are doing well. They had a great time at Sunday School for the first time at our new church. We will stay at the current dosage of Lamictal until about April 15 and then bump it up a bit. Today I'm turning the medical releases in to Social Security so they can open Chase's case and hopefully help us. Then I go to work.

Rollercoaster

I was so right last night when I predicted I'd wake up smooshed between my two kiddos. I woke up between them and had to laugh out loud.

Today was quite a rollercoaster.

UP - Chase woke up in a cheerful mood.
DOWN - The van driver turned the car around and brought Chase back home at 8am because he was verbally attacking another kid and making threats before they could even get on the freeway.
UP - Grandma took Chase to school and he had a fantastic morning, completing all his work in a happy mood.
DOWN - After lunch, he was attacking a teachers aid, threw a chair, a book and was removed to the support room and didn't calm down until it was time to go home.
UP - Met one of the pastors from the church and his wife who have a grown son that was very similar to Chase. They prayed with us. Chase even offered to begin the prayer.

After leaving the church, we had a fantastic evening. Chase completed all his homework without argument. I tried a new recipe for homemade chicken noodle soup. Shower/bedtime went smoothly.

I am learning that I can't worry about yesterday, this morning or even tomorrow. I can only be thankful for this very moment. And at this moment, I am happy.

Lists

I feel such warmth tonight. And its not only because i'm under my heating blanket in my cozy bed. BOTH of my kids are warm and peacefully sleeping in their own beds tonight. Not for long though, I tend to get little visitors in the middle of the night and end up snuggled between a wiggle-worm and a bed-hog.

I learned a few things today, so I will share

• Its not a good sign when hospital staff make a big SIGH of relief as your child is being discharged.
• Inhalers are for emergencies. So don't hide them. (or you won't find them when you can't breathe!)
• One blanket and stuffed animal going TO the hospital with an 8 year old = two giant bags of random CRAP when its time to go home (and the 8 year old can't carry it so you should expect to)
• Friends are the ones that help you walk through the front door of the church when you can't seem to do it alone.
• Good nanny's are almost impossible to find so don't let your mom piss them off ;-) J/K Lauren. We love ya!
• Kids say the darndest but most honest things. Tonight my boyfriends son and Chase asked us if they could just be brothers already? (Two impatient adolescents...this should be fun.. lol)
• Friends see a need in your life and without asking, they just fill it. (Thanks Di. Really.)
• Only God can open our eyes to whats been right in front of us the entire time.

My To Do list for tomorrow:
1. Finish the Social Security Child Disability application online and hope the claim isn't rejected again.
2. Check out the upcoming flag football league. The other one doesn't start till August.
3. Take Chase to church where we will have a tour of the children's ministry.
4. Get that kid a haircut. Yikes, its out of control and soon will be a home for all sorts of wild animals.

Good night. God Bless.

coming home

I am exhausted from work and need to rest up so this won't be long....promise. Tomorrow is a big day. Chase comes home at 2pm. I feel a million emotions at once. As excited as I always am to bring my boy home, I'm nervous. I am bringing home a "cutter" for the first time and that scares the poop out of me. Maybe it was just something he did in the hospital and won't do at home? Only time will tell. But what I do know for sure is that my family will be all sitting at the dinner table for dinner on Wednesday night.

This is the first time that I've brought Chase home with this renewed sense of faith, hope and strength that I am learning to find in the Lord. I intend to share that with my kids and I can't wait for Chase to feel the warmth that I felt at church on sunday.

Time for bed with butterflies in my tummy and a smile on my face.

amazing

I feel amazing today. I am full of hope and faith! I found a church last night. It was so hard for me to walk through the front door. I went inside and sat down and when I opened the program, saw that the sermon would be about Suffering and Trials. How ironic? It was a good sermon with fun music and good energy. After the sermon I almost left but I saw the prayer room and went inside. An older lady sat next to me and asked if I wanted her to pray with me. I gave her a short version of my sons stuggles and she grabbed my hands and began praying. As I was leaving, she asked me if I would come back so she could hear more about Chase and I could hear more about the love of God.

What a difference a day makes (and a little nudge from our Lord.)

The Line

Today Chase crossed a line. The line cannot be seen or even defined. But a line none the less. See below for the sad series of events and I am sure you will feel the "line" being crossed.

1. During a process group in the hospital, a peer said something hurtful to Chase.

2. Chase reacted impulsively and aggressively.

3. Chase was sent to his room for a short time out before he could return to group.

4. He went into his room, broke a plastic comb and rubbed it on the corner of the wall to sharpen it.

5. Chase cut his own arm with the comb until he bled.

6. Chase carried the sharpened/bloody comb as he charged back into the group without permission.

7. Staff stopped Chase, retrieved the comb and were able to calm Chase and then immediately notify me of the incident.

As much as I could write about the above incident and the line that was crossed today, I just can't.

What I will say is that I prayed over the phone with a dear friend of mine, Kristie. We prayed that Chase would be healed and that I would be able to let go of my need for control and be strong enough to give it to God. I must accept that I cannot save my son from his illness. God can. But I have to reach out and ask for His help. So tonight when I got home, I literally fell to my knees and let go. Let God. This is just the beginning of my journey.

And just as this storm rages outside the walls of my warm house, I am reminded that after the storm comes sunshine. In the sunshine I will see Jesus holding Chase's hand.

Chase at about 2 years old.
Beautiful.

Blessed

I stayed home today. A lot was going on so I just wanted to keep a close eye on Chase.

Rick (papa) came to pick up Kevin. Of course a visit from papa wouldn't be complete without a houseful of obnoxious dogs. Picture this: Car pulls up, car door opens and 3 giant INBRED puff balls with legs come flying out and ready to tear up my furniture and traumatize my cat. Thankfully the "dogs" didn't leave any permanent marks on my carpet this time and the visit was short but sweet. My dog Sara breathed a sigh of relief when the puff balls jumped back into the car.

MRT came out for our appointment that I had set up yesterday. Leslie from MRT just checked in with us and really got me thinking about Chase's school placement. Maybe I'm in denial that Chase can function his current school. It might be time to step into a real Day Treatment program. My main concern was that Chase wouldn't learn as much academically at a day treatment. But as Leslie pointed out, he isn't learning much at this point anyway because he's in such a constant state of distress when he's at his current school. Something to think about.....

And then two things happened that remind me that God is so present in our lives and to take time out to thank Him.

1. I was enjoying a nice afternoon in the front yard watching my children play when a man came walking past the house with his two little dogs. I've seen this man before in passing and we always chit chat about the dogs. But today he was walking with a little boy. Chase stopped the little boy (we will call the little boy "N") so he could admire his fancy razor scooter. The boys were quick friends and started bugging the dad and I to let them play. The dad and I exchanged names and phone numbers. I told the dad that I would walk "N" home when they were done playing. The dad then hesitated and said, "I am excited about the boys playing together but you should know that "N" has special needs and is labeled as emotionally disturbed." I could tell he was just giving me a heads-up and not expecting anything in return so I shocked myself when I grabbed the man's hand and shook it. I said, "Let me introduce myself again, I'm Kristen, mom to a child with special needs and diagnosed as bipolar." He probably thought I was a nut but all of the sudden I just felt like God had moved this new family onto our street for us to meet. The evening was fun and the boys were GREAT friends by the time I walked "N" home. We even planned to get together for a BBQ or something so we could share experiences with each other and talk about parenting our special boys.

2. Not long after going inside to start dinner, my phone rang. I smiled when I saw one of my closest friends was calling me. Shannon had met a lady that has a child that is struggling with some sort of mental illness and thought I could be helpful or even just someone who could actually understand. It makes me proud to know that Shannon thought I could be a support for this woman I have never met. When we are struggling and alone, God finds a way to bring the people we need into our lives.

Today was a good day. I feel so blessed.

Lies

My brain feels scattered tonight. Tons of random thoughts bouncing around in my head like ping pong balls. I'm going to try to turn the random stuff into something that makes sense.

Chase lied at school yesterday. Not a little white lie or even a lie to make himself seems super cool. A hurtful bunch of lies that made me look like an awful mom. He told the school that I would not feed him anything in the morning because he was being bad and we were so poor there is nothing in the fridge. Then he also said that I told him to take his meds himself because I was angry at him and as a result, he took the wrong meds. So in his explanation of things he was acting out, tired and hungry because I'm an awful mom. Ouch.

In reality he had a bowl of cereal, got upset and decided he wanted something else. He put his entire bowl into the sink wasting a lot of milk and cereal. I told him THAT was his breakfast and he could have some fruit if he was still hungry. And the meds lie didn't make sense at all because he was given his meds just like every other day. I would never trust my EIGHT YEAR OLD to administer his own medication. Thankfully when the school called me to verify Chase's stories, I was able to clarify and when the school spoke with him about it, he cried and admitted he was trying to make excuses.

Other than the lying incident, Chase is really doing well in school this week. His homework has been completed with minimal fuss.

Time for me to get to sleep. I found an online bible study guide for women and each night I read a bit before bed. Its a start...

transitions & religion

2010 has had its ups and downs. Another year that THIS village has been able to keep Chase safely living at home. I thank each of you for your support. It truly does take a village to raise a child. Even though most of my readers haven't even met Chase, it makes a difference. I am a strong advocate for my son because I have such great people behind me that keep pushing me forward.

Yesterday we had a family session (Chase and I) with his therapist. She will be retiring in March. Chase doesn't do too well with transitions so I hope we can make it as smooth as possible. The problem is that the county is absorbing her position so they won't be replacing her when she leaves. Chase will likely just move to a different therapist but he really had bonded with Marilyn and I appreciate her committment to us as a family. Another possibility is that his new therapist will not see him at school. I will need to take him to appointments in the clinic each week. I might have to enlist help to make sure he can get there on days that I work.

I think my New Years Resolution will be to really share my faith in God with my family and to lead by example. I need to find some sort of a church home or even a women's bible study. My work schedule is awful for attending a church on sunday mornings. There must be alternatives. I read the bible, pray and listen to christian music. But I really desire to talk about faith and learn more so I can share that with my children. There is something so powerful about being part of a congregation.

Time for bed. Yes it is New Years Eve, but I work at 7am. I will ring in the new year by saying a quiet prayer and thanking the Lord that my children are healthy and safe.

Thanksgiving pics

Looking back at Thanksgiving yesterday, I wish I would have taken more pictures. I have an excuse though! I only stayed at my big brothers house for about an hour before leaving to go home. I worked the graveyard shift so I needed to get some sleep before work. We had a great time and the kids stayed after I left and drove home with Grandma. I feel so spoiled that the women in my family are such great cooks! All that turkey sure made it easy for me to take my nap before work.

Today was a pretty good day. It feels amazing to say that. One of my closest friends is encouraging me to look to God for comfort and strength during these hard times. For some reason when I struggle, is the time when I turn away from Him. Like I'm ashamed.

Mother's day

Whatever prayers you all are praying....God is listening. Chase is proof of that. He is stable and we are enjoying every minute of it. Back to school tomorrow.

Flag Football is coming and I will be signing Chase up!

Happy Mothers Day everyone! I hope all of your days were awesome.

Grandpa

I know this blog is about Chase and all of our adventures with our little family. BUT right now, my life is about my father. My life as a mommy is on hold while my life as a daughter is in the forefront.

Last night Chase came to say goodbye to his grandpa. The hospice doctor told me that saying goodbye can leave a child with an easier grieving process. Being fragile already, I want the process to go as smoothly as possible for Chase.

What I saw when my son entered the room has left me with a whole new respect and awe as a Child of God.

Chase peeked his head in the room and saw grandpa sleeping in the bed. He walked right up to the side of the bed and held his hand. As clear as day, Chase said, "I love you Grandpa. With all my heart." And then he looked at their hands holding each other, let go, and wrapped both of his arms around him and kissed him on the cheek. Then he looked at me and said, "I'm ready to go now."

As we walked to the door, he put his hand on the handle and paused. I heard a sob escape from his little body and by the time we were out the door, he was sobbing and tears were rolling down his pink cheeks.

God blessed Chase with such intuition, compassion and heart.

angels and rages

Rage after rage after rage. I will post pictures of Chase's room. MRT came out again today. MRT brought Chase to the emergency room where we 5150'd him. Again. He is so sick. He needs so much help.

The on-call psychiatrist, Dr. James, was amazing. She made me feel like a person. a mom. a strong woman. She kept asking about my support system and any support from Chase's dad. I broke down crying about Chase's crappy relationship with his dad. Then Jared showed up. She kept pulling me out of the room to make sure I was ok etc.

Today I had many angels.

• Dr. James was one of my angels.
• Tamara (neighbor) was another angel. She made rushed over to help with Chase and then took Aimee.
• Nanny Ann put up with so much by just doing me a favor by watching the kids so i could go sit with my dad.
• MRT workers Lindsay and Mike helped me feel better about everything.
• My daddy made me feel really important today. He talks to me. Only me. With everyone else, he just talks nonsense.
• My mom loves Chase so much and will support us in whatever hard decisions we need to make. Her hugs just make me melt.
• Julie helped me with the kids in the morning so I could get a little sleep. Then she played "therapist" when I was freaking out on the phone.
• Kristie just plain listens to me. Sometimes that's all I need. Just to get it out.
• Chase gave me a hug and waved as he was taken to the ambulance in the gurney. What a heroic little man.
• Meredith provides me with all the entertainment I need to put a smile on my face. Psycho!

Every single day, I have angels in my life. Sometimes I'm so used to having such amazing support that I forget to sit back and be thankful. God sure must be worried about me to send me so many angels!

cranky

Yes, Aimee is cute. But it made me sad as I looked through the pics from the last week. None of Chase. Its a tangible reminder that Chase is in the hospital.

Aimee started Vacation Bible School yesterday and she loves it.

Last night after work, a good friend of mine (coworker, minister, friend) saw that I was struggling. He took me to a room, took my hands and said the most moving prayer that I have ever been a part of. I broke down, but felt so good. I really felt as though God was listening to the spoken and unspoken words of that prayer.

Ann the nanny started yesterday. I really think it was the right decision. Tonight is another night of work until 11pm. Yuck. Lately work just seems so draining. I hope to see my dad before work.

I'm not really in the mood to write. Maybe later.

my daddy

My kids are ok. This isn't about them.

My daddy is so sick. I am scared. I am terrified. I'm not willing to lose him yet. My children deserve to grow up with him as their awesome grandpa. They need to know him. He is everything to my mom. Everything. Please pray for my daddy.

Back in the hospital

Chase was 5150'd again tonight after raging at daycare for so long that the room looked like a tornado and the teacher was beat up. As soon as he stopped raging, he immediatly began going to the daycare kitchen to get a knife so he could kill himself. He also pooped in his pants during his rage.

After discussing everything with Jared, we decided he needed to go back to the hospital. Chase is on so many meds. And the fact that he's still cycling so bad, means something isn't working. We are having them do a med wash starting tomorrow. That means Chase will slowly come off of all medications. From there, they will study him and make slow and calculated medication/diet adjustments.

Until recently, I have always believed that God invented doctors who invented medicines to help sick people and that we have no reason to shy away from those medications. I had faith in that theory. I gave my son up to the world of psychopharmacology. So where has my son gone? I'm going to find out.

Don't get me wrong, Chase will need to be on medication for the rest of his life, but i feel like we have placed too much "faith" in medications and far too little on therapy, diet and behavioral coaching. I think each of these things are important components to Chase's treatment and we need to get back to that.

My boy will get help. My boy will grow into an amazing adult. My boy will need a lot of help along the way, but he will get there.

Back to the story (I got side tracked).....
So we went home, I packed a backpack of snacks, water bottles and little activities. Then Chase and I went to the Emergency room. Meredith brought us dinner thank goodness. We were starving. Jared came by for a bit.

When everyone left, it was obvious that Chase was tired so I asked to be moved into a room with a bed. We curled up in the bed and both fell asleep for almost 2 hours while the doctors tried to find a bed for chase on a children's unit.

John Muir (where he was last time) will not accept Chase back. They say that he needs to be in a residential facility and they can't struture their program around Chase's needs. So the only other option is a childrens unit in Vallejo. At this point, I figure he will be safe and I can visit him tomorrow morning.

There is a definate upside to this and I intend to focus on that instead of the whole in my heart.

Tuesday is the big AB3632 evaluation. That means that I will go to the evaluation, give them all of the information that I can and then advise them to do their evaluation at the hospital. I dare them to not accept them into their program. Our chances are good and with the advocate behind us, I am feeling confidant that Chase will get the help he needs through the school district.

With all of that said, I'm going to bed since I have such a busy day ahead of me. Prayers welcome, appreciated, and needed. Hospitalization #2 starts 4/13/09.