anorexia

Somehow I survived my "day off."

Chase had a rough day. His language is awful. Lots of cussing and mean things said under his breath. I hate that because despite his mental illness, I have always counted on the fact that he has such a good heart. Now it seems like he's becoming jaded and negative. I want my sweetie back.

This evening was great considering how hard his day was. We sat at the dinner table and talked about superheroes. Then Aimee and Chase made a "clubhouse" in the playroom. Then we made banana bread and watched "Spy Kids." No meltdowns. No arguements. But we didn't even attempt the homework. Bad mom award for me.

I've gained a lot of weight. Like 20lbs since August. For anyone that knows me (and everyone else after this), gaining weight is harder on me than most people. I have a 15 year history of anorexia, so gaining weight for no reason is a HUGE trigger for old habits. So far I am staying strong but so many of my thoughts are starting to revolve around food/weight/control. I know you all will say "see a therapist. avoid relapse. seek help." And I will. When I have time. Until then I will just control my behaviors and try to distract myself from the thoughts. At least I have two "all consuming" kids to distract me.