the why

I'm not sure where this post will end up. My mind seems like an endless string of thoughts stuck together with bubble gum.

I feel like although my life is feeling somewhat stable, I am starting to spiral downward. I'm constantly tired, fighting back tears and irritated with everybody. I have been dubbed "the avoiderer" and the nickname fits. I don't feel like talking on the phone to anyone really. Even my daily phone call to my mom has become a chore. If I had it my way, I'd stay home all day, every day.

I already see the comments now.... "Maybe you should see a doc" and "You need to take care of yourself first in order to be able to take care of your children." I know. I know. I do see a doc and will probably go more often for a while. My confusion is over the 'WHY'.

Here are some updates:

My son has been home from the hospital for nearly 8 weeks now. Thats the longest amount of time since his first hospitalization. And we have only called MRT like 3 times since July.

Chase got 100% on his first spelling test today!

My daughter is finally potty trained (during the day)

I'm getting Child Support garnishments from the state (his unemployment. less that half what i'm supposed to get but its SOMETHING finally)

My job description is evolving as we speak. The location and hours will be the same, but my shift will look different. Not even sure what that means yet.

My dad's "illness is progressing." Thats what the hospice nurse says. Progressing. Not the word I would use for the impending death of my father. The one man in my life who loves me unconditionally.

Ok that last one is a biggie. I haven't talked about that lately. Maybe that's the why.