With everything that our family has gone through, there are a few things I really pride myself on as a mother.
1. My children have never heard me speak poorly of their father. As far as they are aware, Daddy and Mommy are friends but just not together anymore.
2. I never discuss finances in front of the kids. (Adult finances)
3. My children will never doubt that I love them and would do anything for them.
Today I made a mistake. A big one. Ok maybe a few.
Little brother Kevin asked me for spending money. In a moment of stress and frustration, I told him that as of Jan 18 our water and PG&E will be turned off, so NO I have no spending money for him. Then I turn around and see my son's wide eyes as he sat on the stair behind Kevin. Chase takes on any stress for the family and will literally lose sleep over it. That is why I am so careful, until today.
As I was tucking him into bed, he cried with worry about the power and water being turned off. Then I lied. I lied to my son. Its one of those little white lies right? I told Chase that I just said that because I didn't want to give Kevin any money that he would waste on video games. What I wasn't aware of was that he heard me on the phone with PG&E trying to negotiate with them so they don't shut it off. So now he knows I lied.
Things have been financially tight since deadbeat dad took off and then got fired from his job. I don't talk about it much because its embarrassing. But now my pay got cut because I work for the county and we are getting 2 furlough days per month AND they screwed with our insurance premium and copays. I want to be angry at my ex for not helping with his children. Instead I just end up feeling like a failure as a parent to provide for my children. And what happens when the water and power are actually shut off? No lying my way out of that one when Chase asks what happened.
I'm sure I could probably call my mom and she'd help and then make sure that I feel even more like crap. I'm going to put it out of my head until monday and just enjoy the weekend with my kids. Tomorrow would be my dad's 73rd birthday.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI totally admire your openess.. I've been struggling since FP's father and I split.. I hear you... big time... and you def. aren't alone... I've been behind for some time now.... its an awful and scarey feeling... and Christmas... bleh... trying to recover from that is... well... depressing with a capital d.. Ask for help when you need it.. I'm an awful asker of help too... especially when the after effects blow in... but we do what we have to... Anyway.. I'm sure none of that makes you feel better... just want you to know you aren't alone..
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Have you tried applying for SSI for Chase? That has been our saving grace here. Also, do you know if your community has resources available to help you? If you want to email me the area you're in, I'd be more than happy to help you look. (mommylebron {at} yahoo {dot} com) I like to research. ;)
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteIf the power is shut off, well, you will learn to urban camp. As per the water, well, when I lived abroad we’d fill a large plastic trash can so we would have water when the city supply would be shut off. You would be amazed what you can do without electricity or running h2o. What matters is how mommy decides to spin the story. The truth can still be the truth while mom at least pretends to have fun…
And it sucks beyond words that you have to do all this alone. Your “clients” get three hots, a cot, AND plumbing…
Hugs,
Amy
Logan’s Mommy