my dad

Chase had a good day today. The bus driver even said chase did perfect.

I've been in a cranky mood all week. I told the nanny she wouldn't get paid for this week since she hasn't worked at all. I feel good about that. It takes a lot to be stern in my personal life. At work, thats another story. The next conversation with her is that I will start to pay her hourly or daily, and only for watching Aimee since she seems to cause so many issues with Chase. So watching only one kid is cheaper than both. And if she decides this isn't enough, she is welcome to move on.

Tomorrow night is my dad's memorial celebration (its his birthday). I'm really not into it. I cry so much already and don't need to hear other peoples stories about him. My dad and I have PLENTY of our own stories. I think the dread of this thing is contributing to my "delightful" mood this week. Ha.

So to make myself feel better, I'm going to share some stories about my dad, Ron.

Camping in the rain in Yosemite with Lis and my parents

My dad throwing me in the pool. any pool. He'd just throw me!

Lindy and I showing my parents our dances and then my dad would get up and show his. And boy was that nuts. More like a forwards moonwalk.

Making sure we always had a pool at any hotel we stayed in. He knew I'd be occupied!

Learning about the farming and carpentry stuff my grandfather did.

Getting 2nd place dancing with my daddy at a Luau in Hawaii

Dancing on his feet at weddings

Holding me and crying on my wedding day.

A joke he called "DogJaw"

Holding me and crying on the day I left Jared. He called me from his hospital bed to reassure me that things will work out.

Holding me accountable for my mistakes.

Yelling "I've got a NEEED for SPEEEED!!!! as we skied down the sierra mountains.

Breaking the crystals in my toes.

Lying on the couch with him watching Nascar races.

Him BEGGING me to stop singing in the car.

Holding him while he lay in his hospital bed and whispering to each other. Curling up in his arms while he told me "Everything is going to work out punkin. Just make sure you are there for your mom. She is the honey in my hive. My angel bear."

AHHHHHHHHH

Today sucked. I haven't even had a chance to talk to Chase but he had a bad day at school and on the bus. Not bad enough for suspension though. Gotta look on the bright side!

My nanny sucks. I might have to fire her. But I have no other options. Who could I find that could watch a bipolar kid and work my weird hours? And here's another catch. I can only pay about $250/week. Any takers?

As sad as I am about my dad, I'm so thankful to have my mom back for support. She is my heart. She keeps me sane. Well kinda...

I won't even begin to write about the disaster of a night I had at work. Just imagine 20 girls, all needy and loud, and then screaming and writing reports.

Its a wonder I'm not locked up in a psych ward somewhere.

Maybe

Not in the "posting mood." Chase did great at school. Almost got in a fight with a kid on the bus on the way home. The bus driver pissed me off. Chase was so upset that he never wants to get on that bus again.

Aimee was so clingy today. Separation anxiety is getting intense with her. My mom spent the afternoon/evening with us.

Chase had basketball practice but seemed "off." He was spacing out and not really paying attention. Even the coach noticed.

Now both kiddos in bed. Tomorrow I work from 12pm to 11pm. Management of Assaultive Behavior physical training before my regular shift. At least I'll get paid overtime.

Goodnight. Maybe tomorrow night I'll write in full sentences. Maybe.

Strollers and Chocolate

Chase had a blast with his Uncle and Auntie and cousins this weekend. He was really good for them. I'm so thankful for the peace that he seems to have found recently. (Thanks dad)

Aimee had a huge tantrum tonight when she couldn't find her doll stroller. I swear she fell to the ground crying when Chase told her that it was broken and was thrown away. Weirdo! She said, "NOW WHERE IS MY BABY GOING TO RIDE WHEN WE GO ON A WALK?!?!??!?!" Who knows...this stroller situation could lead to PTSD!

I'm craving chocolate so bad that I could cry. I try not to keep chocolate in the house. It leads to regret when I find my scale. But tonight I'm so desperate that I might just eat some chocolate frosting.

Update after hiatus

So after the longest hiatus between posts....I'm back and ready to roll. or type. And did I even spell/use hiatus right? I've said it a million times but never wrote it. oops sidebar.

Chase is doing so well that it almost feels foreign to me and I'm not exactly sure how to handle it! I know that might sound crazy to any of you without bipolar kids or kids on the spectrum. Basketball is really reaching my goal. Chase has a place that he can go for an hour each week, hang out with kids that don't see him as "different" and build self confidence. And on top of that, he is quite the player!

Even homework and school struggles seemed to have lessened this week. With all the improvments since Dec 9...I'm convinced I know why. I said two things to my dad on the night before he passed. I said, "When you go, I'm counting on you to watch over Chase. He needs you to look out for him and to calm some of the storm inside him." And of course I told him I love him. As irritated as my dad often made me, he had the opposite effect on Chase. Chase was mellow and peaceful around Grandpa. I miss him so much.

Aimee is a little stinker! Her little personality is really growing. She likes to do her own hair (usually involving a headband.) She likes to watch Dora about 5 inches from the TV screen when I'm not in the room. Future problems with vision maybe? And she LOVES to cook/bake.

As for me....I'm the real nut-job around this place. The ups and downs of grief are not what I was expecting. One day I'm ok and can talk about him and think about him and smile. Another day I feel such an emptiness from the loss of my daddy. Tomorrow will be one month.

The independent film is now in negotiatings with the Discovery Channel and should be ready to start filming by February. ::::enter nerves here::::

And by now my favorite little blue pill (its just AMBIEN you sicko's!) is kicking in and guiding me to my pillow. Good night and thanks for being patient with me.

I'm back

Just wanted to write a quick note that I got the new power cable for my laptop so I'm back! I'll post tonight.

AWOL

Computer problems. I need a new power cord thingy for my laptop. It should be delivered in the next week.

I will likely be AWOL until then. Take care and happy new year everyone.