vacuum

Today was 100% hectic. Doctors all morning and then home.

I vacuumed downstairs 4 times. Yes, I said FOUR times! The kids (including Kevin) were in and out of the house all day.

Chase was in a great mood for most of the day. Unfortunately it ended with Chase having a big argument with his best friend. At some point, they both hit each other. Neither kid were hurt but I think both were shaken up.

I guess its bound to happen when you have two bipolar kids as best friends. Wouldn't trade it for anything. The boys need each other and somehow seeing another child's struggle reminds me what is the "illness" and what is just Chase being Chase.

5 Months and pics

Tonight I realized that Chase has been out of the hospital for over 5 months! Woohoo!! His rages are less often and when he does rage, his violence is directed at THINGS and not PEOPLE. That is huge for us. We also haven't needed to call MRT in about a month.

Now if only I could get my insomnia under control. By the time I finally fall asleep, my kids are ready to get up!

update

Guess its time for updates since I haven't posted in nearly a week.

Chase came home from Yuba City on Christmas Eve. He had a great time while he was there but was happy to come home. We tweaked his nightime dosage of Clonidine and he seems to be sleeping a bit better.

Aimee is the whiniest child ever! (not sure the spelling, but its pronounced Whine-e-ist) But when she isn't whining, she's hilarious and finally learning to speak so that others can understand her.

Christmas was bittersweet. The kids had a blast. They got a *tad* spoiled by family, friends and Santa. But my first Christmas without my dad was really hard.

I think that I'm finally starting to get back to normal (if I ever really am "normal").

Yesterday I turned 28. Why does that seem so much closer to 30 than 27 did?!?!?

After a whole night of asthma and breathing problems, I finally called the doc on my birthday morning. They made me go to the Emergency Room. After the best ER visit ever, I went home feeling a lot better and with new prescriptions. I've been breathing fine since. Doc doesn't know what triggered it since I'm not sick or anything. I'm supposed to go back to see my doc sometime later this week, but with my track record at follow up appointments.....

Then my boyfriend took me to Sacramento for the afternoon/evening. I enjoyed myself despite the gloomy weather. Tons of food, window shopping and having fun.

That's about it for now. Glad the holidays are nearly over. 2010 here we come!

eve

I don't really have anything to post right now. Merry Christmas Eve Eve...

Yuba City

Chase is still in Yuba City. Its so quiet around here without him. I keep having to remind myself to enjoy the calm but I miss my lil man. (Remind me that I said that when he's driving me nuts in a few days!)

Dogs?

I'm missing Chase like crazy. He's having a great time with Rick and is having no behavioral problems. Makes me wonder if everything is my fault.

Aimee and I baked cookies tonight. We had a blast dancing in the kitchen while the cookies were baking.

I'm getting really attached to this silly dog, Sara. She's amazing with the kids and really mellows out Chase. She's one of Ricks FIVE dogs. Even my mom loves her. I'm seriously considering keeping her. Am I nuts?

I don't really feel like writing anything else.

Ashes to Ashes

A few updates before its time for my "therapy."

Chase went with Rick, Uncle Kevin and Uncle Adam to Yuba City for the week. He comes home on tuesday. I'm so happy that they did this for him. Chase does so well when he's one on one with an adult, especially a male. Rick is such a positive male role model for Chase. We are so blessed. Even my dad told Rick how thankful he is that Chase has him.

Aimee is spending the night at my mom's house for the first time in probably 8 months (since my dad got really sick.) My mom will watch her tomorrow when I go to work.

We decided on a place for my dad's memorial celebration and I think its perfect. Email me if you want details.

Therapy Time:

I was doing okay today. Even though I knew that today we would be spreading my dad's ashes, I was doing okay.

And then I walked in my mom's (and dad's?) house. I went into their room. Something was missing. No - Not my dad. That one is WAY too obvious. My dad's white velcro shoes were not sitting neatly next to the bed. As I looked around the room I realized that they were gone. I crumbled to the floor sobbing about some stupid velcro shoes. My mom came in and hugged me on the floor. She told me that she didn't get rid of the shoes, that she put them in his closet. That didn't help.

Please don't think I'm a freak that thinks everything should be left as it was, as if my dad will be walking through the front door. But I'm not ready for such a tangible sign that he is really gone.

Fast forward a few hours. We [immediate family] went out on the water somewhere on a floating vessel with my dad's ashes. As we poured them (very legally of course), into the water the song "Amazing Grace" was playing in the background. After the ashes were in the water (far far away in a legal spot) my mom put a bouquet of flowers in the water. It was done exactly as my dad had hoped. So where is this closure that everyone says comes with that moment....

If anyone knows of any bible verses that might help me right now, please send them my way. I'm in such a deep place that I don't even know where to look.