Xmas Eve pics

Pictures from Christmas Eve dinner at my mom's house.

From left: Chase, Zach (my nephew 15yrs), Matt (Samantha's boyfriend 21yrs), Samantha (my niece 19yrs), Aimee

Last night was really emotional for me. I felt a great emptiness and was missing my dad. I know he was watching over our family last night and will never leave my heart.

rant..errrr....vent

Without ranting...ok maybe just a little ranting (but lets call it venting.)

Talked to my exhusband/baby daddy/deadbeat tonight on the phone to make plans for Christmas. He is coming over on Christmas day while I'm at work but will be supervised by his own father, Rick. Would you believe that he had the nerve to TELL ME that I should read a book about the harms of psychotropic medications on todays society! There are so many things wrong with that statement that I need to make a darned list.

1. The only book I've ever seen him read was the trivia book while he sat on the toilet.
   
2. I am fully aware and knowledgable of the harms of these medications.
   
3. Chase's options at this point are as simple as can be. Medication with side effects and unknown long term outcome OR Mania Depression Suicide Homocide Abuse Trauma Institutionalization Psychosis
   
4. During all the years that I took Chase to tons of doctors and begged deadbeat to join me, he always just said I could handle it alone
   
5. I have suggested and offered to loan him at least 20 books about his sons mental illness but he has never opened up a single book

Ok my sleep meds are kicking in. To end this post on a good note, I spent the day with Chase and couldn't be prouder to say that I'm his mommy.

He's home!

Late update! Chase came home on Dec 13. So he's been home over a week now and we are having a blast. I refuse to project to far ahead, but today he is great and I couldn't feel any more blessed than I do right now. I'm also having to "right" some wrong decisions I made in the past few months. Maybe eventually I will explain but its a little confusing and also embarrassing. It has everything to do with my ex boyfriend and my impulsive actions that led to a huge mistake on my part.

Chase and my dad

I'm writing this as my sleeping meds are kicking in so be patient with typos and run-on sentences please!

Chase is still in the hospital but scheduled to come home on Monday afternoon. Woohoo!! Just in time to put up the Christmas decorations and tree. He's doing very well and the doc started him back on the Geodon at a very low dose. The doc felt like he did fantiastic on a low dose of it for 7 months and only came back to the hospital when the dosage got to the max amount. It might have been that such a high dose was activating him. We shall see....

Last night I spent with my mom. My dad passed Dec 9, 2009 at 9:06pm. Last night my mom and I went to my dads favorite place to go during his last few years of life, Jackson Rancheria Hotel and Casino. As I sat at his favorite kind of game, video poker and played, at 9:06pm the power went out in the whole casino. I know my dad did that as a little wave "hello". I was hoping for a wave "hello" in the form of a Royal Flush, but I'll settle for a power outage. He probably would have said, "You don't get a Royal Flush by just playing poker. There is strategy and skill involved." But heck, dad, it would have made for a nice Christmas for the kids!

I initially was dreading the trip to Jackson. I thought my mom would fall apart. She didn't. We cried and held each other but for the most part, we enjoyed the places that my dad enjoyed and we felt very close to him.

I need to go or I'm going to cry. My dad was not just ANY man or guy. He was so much more than that to so many people. I'm so lucky I got 27 years with him.

God Bless.

pics

Chase is back in the hospital. The doctor ordered an immediate med wash. By Monday he will be off ALL medications and we will start over. Seroquel was a BAD med for him. Here are pics of the most recent 20 hour stint in the Emergency Room.

Aimee's prekindergarten picture. Clearly they didn't bother to brush her hair before taking the picture. But she's cute no matter HOW messy her hair is. Hehehe.

Chase's Third Grade picture. So handsome and grown up looking.

Hospital again

Back at the emergency room with chase. Bizarre body movements and repetitive phrases. Threats to everyone that looks his way....

rollercoaster

For anyone with a child with Bipolar Disorder, I highly suggest going to amazon.com and ordering some kids books on the subject. Chase's favorite is My Bipolar Roller Coaster. Right now there is nothing closer to the truth. We are strapped in the chair on a bumpy roller coaster ride that seems to have far too many ups and downs. Chase is cycling very rapidly right now, manic, calm, irritable, manic, calm, irritable and it just continues. I would rather be in the place we are right now than dealing with constant rages but it sure is exhausting. I'm not convinced that the Seroquel is the right med but I am 100% sure than any sort of med change right now would send him back to the hospital. So the roller coaster will continue for now and that's ok.