biology?

I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.

Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.

I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.

A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.

But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.

Today

Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!

It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...

One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.

Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.

box

My son is not well. He suffers from an illness that crept into our lives silently and refuses to let up. The doctors, hospitals and other professionals have yet to find a balance that can let Chase live his life with little inturruption from the unwelcome illness.

Sometimes I have these strange visuals of Chase and his illness. I picture Chase holding in his hands a box that contains bipolar disorder/psychosis. The box cannot be put down. Instead Chase can learn to live his life while still holding the box. It might take a bit longer to do everyday routines or develop certain relationships while holding the box, but it can be done.

However, during my visit today I saw something totally different. I saw a life-sized bipolar box with Chase trapped inside it.

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I am surrounded by people but feel so alone in this quest to rescue my son.

harry potter and tire-swings

Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.

The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.

Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?

Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.

I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.

nothing

Chase was transported from the ER to the psych hospital early this morning. I just got back from visiting him and he is in good spirits. I (on the other hand) am on the verge of a breakdown.

Deja vu

Chase is being 5150'd again. Tried to stab himself in the neck tonight while I was at work. Thank goodness for our amazing nanny. She saved my son tonight. Gotta go, laying in hospital bed with Chase in the ER.

Storm

Parenting is about making decisions. Starting from the moment of conception. For me there was a choice to be made about whether or not I was capable at 19 years old of being a mom. No real dilemma for me, it would be hard but I knew I could be a mom. From that point on, the decisions are smaller but just as life altering. Most recently the decision of medications and hospitalizations etc.

Fast forward to the present time. I am watching my son start spinning off into what I know is a world full of psychosis, mania and aggression. ::::Warning::: metaphor coming... Its as if we are standing in a light mist of rain. I see the clouds getting darker and the rain slowly increasing. Chase is headed in a direction and all I can do is hold his hand and pray. We can stand in the rain and be ok, until the flooding begins and then we can't get dry. Once things get that bad, there is no decision to be made. Doctors/therapists etc will make it for me. But the flooding always causes damage that lingers long after the sun comes out.

Am I just waiting and stalling so I don't have to make the decision?

I know my son. The storm is coming. Its my job to keep BOTH of my kids safe. No matter what.