For some reason I can't bring myself to write this post. Chase is back in the hospital. He hadn't been sleeping more than 3 hours each night. Then he threatened to kill people and said how he was going to do it. And to top it off, he decided to attempt to throw himself out the window. The nanny was able to keep him safe, I'm so thankful for her. When I asked Chase about it while we sat in the ER later that night, he told me all the reasons that he needs to die. He said, "I make everyone upset. I'm stupid. I'm mean. I mess up everything. My dad hates me."
Back to the hospital we went. He sure is giving them a show. He goes to bed but wakes up at 1am ready for the day. He woke up in his own poop one night. He is either yelling and crying or climbing the walls. The doctor is adding a mood stabilizer. But she will not let him leave until his sleep gets under control, even if his mood improves.
My anxiety is through the roof. I'm struggling so much financially because I have to miss work to take care of Chase. Gas and bridge toll cost me over $100 a week just to visit Chase daily. If a miracle doesn't happen soon... well I just don't even want to think about it.
People say to just live as normal a life as possible and make adjustments for your special needs child. Its not that F&%*ing easy! As a single mom with no help from the dad, I am crumbling from the stress. My career is suffering. I feel very disconnected from my job right now because I'm away so much.
I need to go to bed. Crying+Anxiety+Self Pity = BAAAAAD
Goodnight. Please pray for my miracle.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Update
Chase came home from the hospital a few weeks ago and since he's been home things have been going well. Until last week. Chase was out of control at school, throwing chairs, verbally attacking anyone that would look at him and even trying to slap his teacher. Our doc adjusted Chase's meds a tiny bit and it seemed to help. And then deadbeat dad came to visit on saturday.
Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.
On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.
On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.
I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.
Like clockwork, about 24 hours after a visit from his dad, Chase's stability comes crashing down. On Sunday Chase was highly impulsive, easily aggitated and just out of control. Today at school he became violent and aggressive and even scaring the other kids. Of course I didn't know how his day was until after I was already at work. At 3:30pm the nanny called my cell phone. I could hear Chase raging in the background. My mom is out of town so no one could get Aimee out of the house. I immediately headed home.
On the way home I was able to talk to his doc. The doc authorized a different PRN (emergency med) called Thorazine. Chase has been on it in the past and his skin becomes intolerant to sunlight. But if thats what it will take to keep him home while we adjust his meds, then he just won't be able to play outside for a few days.
On top of everything, I have the cold from Hell. A horrible time for me to be sick.
I'm not in a great mood tonight. I refuse to give up on my son but sometimes I just want to curl up under my covers and hide from all the chaos. Tonight is one of those nights.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
biology?
I often hear about mentally ill children experiencing a "honeymoon phase." The first few days at a new school or in a psych hospital can go smoothly until a child gets used to the environment and really settles in....and then all hell breaks loose. However, that is one phenomenon to which I cannot relate. I think Chase skipped that chapter in the "How to Train Your Parents" Handbook.
Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.
I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.
A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.
But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.
Having never experienced a honeymoon period with Chase, I can only be hopeful that things are still going smoothly because he is experiencing some real stability. Chase came home on Wednesday afternoon. It is now Saturday night and not once have I had to call for backup. Not once have I worried for anyone's safety. Chase completed two great days at school and worked on his homework with minimal fuss.
I often get asked if Chase can "grow out of his bipolar." There simply are not enough long term studies at this point. (But keep an eye out for Dr. Janet Wozniak in Boston since she is really pioneering those studies) What I do know for sure is that Chase's illness has changed and continues to change as he matures. How much of that is biology and how much of that is medication? Who knows. I also have to remind myself that nearly every environment that Chase is placed in has some therapeutic element to it. He is constantly reminded of coping skills and surrounded by people that are educated on how to help Chase help himself. So maybe his reduction in rages and violence is based on biology, or maybe Chase is being forced to learn how to control those behaviors. I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that the Lord has a hand on my sons heart and is helping him along the way.
A new friend of mine, Di, asked me if I would ever consider going into the Mental Health field. I love the kids I work with. All of "my kids" at juvenile hall are labeled as criminals. But the majority of them are damaged beyond words. If they weren't mentally ill before, they are now suffering from PTSD stemming from horrific abuse. I work with kids who have never been able to trust an adult. I think that I am exactly where I need to be.
But Di really got me thinking. Someday, no hurry, I would like to be an advocate for kids and families dealing with mental illness. I'm good at being the squeaky wheel when I need to be and I obviously have the passion for it. People like Di are the reason I keep this blog public despite the risks. We are not alone and we really need to stand together for our children. And sometimes when we are tired of standing, another mom lets us lean on them until we get our strength back.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Today
Chase came home today. The docs kept Chase on the same two medications but did a lot of adjusting of the dosages and the times given. Chase hasn't needed an emergency med for a few days and does seem relatively stable. I was shocked that the person struggling with the transition is Aimee. As much as she wanted her brother to come home, she was very pushy and selfish towards him this evening. I was impressed at Chase's ability to stay calm despite Aimee's behavior/attitude. Chase used his coping skills tonight like a pro!
It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...
It feels great to have Chase home but I can't deny how anxious I am about school tomorrow. Over the last two months, school is where Chase tends to really crack under pressure. Yikes...
One of the hardest parts of parenting a child with a mental illness is staying in the present. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today is the only day that matters. And today was good.
Both kids are asleep and now its my turn.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
box
My son is not well. He suffers from an illness that crept into our lives silently and refuses to let up. The doctors, hospitals and other professionals have yet to find a balance that can let Chase live his life with little inturruption from the unwelcome illness.
Sometimes I have these strange visuals of Chase and his illness. I picture Chase holding in his hands a box that contains bipolar disorder/psychosis. The box cannot be put down. Instead Chase can learn to live his life while still holding the box. It might take a bit longer to do everyday routines or develop certain relationships while holding the box, but it can be done.
However, during my visit today I saw something totally different. I saw a life-sized bipolar box with Chase trapped inside it.
I am surrounded by people but feel so alone in this quest to rescue my son.
Sometimes I have these strange visuals of Chase and his illness. I picture Chase holding in his hands a box that contains bipolar disorder/psychosis. The box cannot be put down. Instead Chase can learn to live his life while still holding the box. It might take a bit longer to do everyday routines or develop certain relationships while holding the box, but it can be done.
However, during my visit today I saw something totally different. I saw a life-sized bipolar box with Chase trapped inside it.
----------------------------------------------------
I am surrounded by people but feel so alone in this quest to rescue my son.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
harry potter and tire-swings
Chase is still in the hospital. He had a rough weekend and on saturday decided to go AWOL. During outside playtime on the field surrounded by a fence, Chase attempted to climb over the fence. Thankfully the staff caught Chase before anyone got hurt. When I asked him what his plan was once he got over the fence, he said he would walk home or get on a bus to get home. We live 50 miles from the hospital.
The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.
Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?
Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.
I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.
The doc has made some adjustments but so far there is no real success. Chase still gets a PRN (emergency med) every single day. Keep in mind that at home, Chase might get a PRN once or twice a month.
Our visits have been very pleasant. Usually we read Harry Potter, play cards and board games. Its hard not to hold him on my lap and not let go. Now if only the staff would make sure he wears underwear everyday. I wonder if going comando is a boy thing or is just a Chase thing?
Aimee and I are hanging in there. I got approved for my promotion at work but won't see a change on my paycheck until at least summer. I've been thinking of getting a second job or doing something from home. Any ideas would be welcome. I know it isn't realistic to work any more than I already do, but I'm desperate. Ugh.
I refuse to end this post on a sad note. I will remind myself over and over that I am so blessed. My son is safe because my nanny saved his life. My daughter is curled up in bed and probably dreaming about tire-swings. Despite our struggles and pay cuts, I DO have a job and health insurance. I'm surrounded by people that love my children and are always willing to say a prayer for us. Thank you.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
nothing
Chase was transported from the ER to the psych hospital early this morning. I just got back from visiting him and he is in good spirits. I (on the other hand) am on the verge of a breakdown.
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