Its been sooooo long!

It has been so long since I wrote on this blog.

Here are some updates:

Chase is now in 4th grade and still going to the school for kids with emotional issues. However he is really excelling and for the first time ever, has reached a level 3. When he gets to level 5, the school starts considering returning the student to a mainstream school.

Chase is still on Geodon, Lamictal and Clonidine. Its been about two years on these three meds and he is still stable.

Chase has been out of the hospital for over a year now!

Aimee is in Kindergarten and absolutely adores school. She has been diagnosed with a mild anxiety disorder. She sees a therapist and is doing well.

The kids haven't heard from or seen their biological father in over a year. Thankfully they have H in their lives and they adore him and feel safe and secure with him.

We bought a new (much bigger) home in November. Still in the same town but its great that all 3 of our kids have their own room and they also have a playroom.

I am starting a web design business again. I'll put a link on this blog when my site is up and running.

H and I are still in love and been talking about possible wedding bells in the next couple years....

That's all I can think of right now.

pics

updates

It seems as if school ended for Chase and my life just went into overdrive! HAPPY overdrive, with one giant speedbump.

1. School ended. Chase had better grades than ever before.
2. Aimee turned 5 years old and began acting as if she is 13. Ugh.
3. Chase attended summer school and for the first time ever, rose above level 1, all the way to level 2. This is a huge deal because if he can achieve level 3 and maintain, he might be able to return to a regular school. No hurry, but I sure am a proud mama.
4. My appendix decided it was time to blow. Luckily the surgeon caught it with just enough time to get it out before it ruptured. Four days in a hospital and four weeks off work due to the giant open incision that was made because it was such a rush operation.
5. Chase turned 9 years old on the day I was released from the hospital.
6. Aimee is preparing to begin Kindergarten on August 1.
7. Chase is preparing to begin Football. He does not return to school until August 24.
8. Chase's psychiatrist, an amazing doctor, left Kaiser. We miss him already. His new psychiatrist is actually the first one we saw when Chase was 4. She is the one that said the word "Bipolar" for the first time after evaluating Chase. She is also about 30 minutes from home, which is why we changed doctors in the first place. She is worth the drive.
9. We took Chase to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. He loves rollercoasters and the beach so it was the PERFECT day trip.

Thats about all I can think of right now. Like I always say, if I'm not posting, it means things are good and I am using my energy to smile and laugh with my family.

I'm busy

I won’t apologize for not calling you back right away. I have been too busy living. I am busy holding my daughter on my lap while she gets her ears pierced for her birthday. I am busy dancing in pajamas with an 8 year old. I’m busy watching my boyfriend hold my daughter’s hand while she invites him to a Father’s Day Ice Cream Social at her school. I’m busy making homemade pizza in the kitchen with 3 kids covered in flour. I’m busy preparing for the birth of a baby girl so I can once again be called “Auntie.” I’m busy helping with math homework. I’m busy getting to know my mom as more than just a “mother.” I’m busy bringing treats to a teenage girl that has never been given anything. I’m busy watching that same girl walk out of jail with her head held high and her GED. I’m busy smiling as I watch my son pray before going to sleep. I’m busy bragging to doctors about Chase’s progress and stability. I’m busy celebrating the sunshine that seemed to take so long to arrive.

Life is good

What a great month this has turned out to be! And its not even over yet. I'll highlight the ups and downs for you.

Crummy parts

-Aimee has seasonal allergies that are definetly considered severe. Without treatment, they turned into a nasty sinus/ear infection. She is slowly recovering and clearly feels better.
-I keep gaining weight and am starting to worry. I don't eat differently and have even cut out soda. I'm much better at portion control than at any other point in my life. I'm on my feet for most of every day until my kids go to sleep. It doesn't make sense.
-Chase's school is considering keeping him in 3rd grade for another year so he can improve his reading skills. I agree with the school and think that putting him in 4th grade next year would really be setting him up for failure, but I also don't want to destroy his self esteem by holding him back.
-Aimee will likely need glasses because she has an astigmatism in both eyes already. They will recheck her before kindergarten.

Happy parts

-Chase's uncle Kevin and I met with Chase's therapist today. The therapist feels that working with the family will help make the most of his treatment. I totally agree and am so thankful that Kevin is willing to go along with it.
-Chase is doing his homework with less of a struggle lately. It creates a much smoother afternoon for everyone.
-Temporarily I will work a swing shift on thursdays instead of a graveyard. Maybe that will help with my insomnia.
-I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last saturday. Why is this a happy thing?? Because after we talked about it and worked it out, he took it upon himself to have a long talk with Chase "Man to Man." He was teaching Chase that adults can have arguments and still love each other. Chase and I both learned a lesson that day. My boyfriend is in it for the long haul.
-I am on my way to becoming a certified ART (Aggression Replacement Training) facilitator. Its a great program that I will teach to the kids at work but also use some of the skills to work with Chase.
-Baby Erika will be born in two months and I feel so blessed that I get to be there when she is born. Baby shower #1 is this weekend and then Baby shower #2 (that i'm hosting) is in June. Meredith and Dave are going to be awesome parents and have an awesome auntie waiting to help out. (that would be ME by the way!)
-Chase has really found motivation, purpose and strength in the word of God. Church is becoming a safe and peaceful place for him. He wants to attend EVERY event there.

Thats enough for the updates. I'll be going to bed with a smile on my face. Life is good. God is Great.

Fun Pics

Faith, ART and Open House

Chase is doing FANTASTIC! I couldn't be more pleased with how stable he is right now. One thing that I really admire about Chase is that he is aware when he behaves poorly and takes accountability for it. Working in Juvenile Hall, I have grown to really appreciate it when a kid can admit their faults. Its a huge step to improving behavior.

Another thing that has me smiling is Chase's drive towards his faith. In the past, religion was seldom a topic that Chase would bring up on his own. But since he's started attending church regularly, he questions me constantly about Jesus and God. He has a thirst for stories about Jesus. He always prays before bed and often asks to pray aloud before meals. He seems so at peace when he's talking to God. I'm so glad he has found comfort in Jesus.

Today and tomorrow I am working "regular people" hours. Actually I'm in training both days for work. I'm being trained to be a facilitator for ART (Aggression Replacement Training) on my unit. I'm excited to run ART groups in juvenile hall but I think I'm even more excited to use the skills at home. One of the 3 main components is Anger Control. I'm hoping that I will be able to take some of the pieces of the training to practice with Chase.

Tonight was Chase's Open House at school. This year was a very different experience. Chase has progressed so much that even his teacher made a point to pull me aside to brag about him.

Thats it for now, allergies are awful and the benedryl is making me tired. Even though I'm sneezing and itchy, I couldn't imagine feeling more blessed.

The stranger

I posted yesterday that I was able to attend the entire Easter service at church but didn't elaborate. So keep reading...

There was a tall thin woman sitting next to me during the entire service. She was probably in her late 40's.

Towards the end of the sermon, Pastor Larry brought some points that moved me to tears. Ok I'm lying. It moved me to a sobbing blubbering mess (with NO tissue handy!). After the service ended, I turned to leave to go get Chase and Aimee from their Sunday School classes. The woman gently touched my arm and introduced herself. She said that she would sit with me in the prayer room if I wanted to talk and pray. I explained that I was in a hurry to get Chase (I didn't want him getting anxious.) She asked if she could walk with me to his class so we could talk.

By the time we got to his classroom, I felt like I had made a friend. Someone that saw my pain and stepped out of her own comfort zone to comfort a stranger. We exchanged phone numbers and she promised to call me sometime this week. I know for some people, that might sound a little crazy. And I, of all people, have issues talking to "strangers" and never let my guard down unless I'm comfortable with someone. I have no idea what led me to talk to this woman or share anything with her. But I did and it felt right, like God led me to sit next to her in a church full of hundreds of strangers.

On another note, Chase went back to school today after Spring Break. I'm anxious to see how his day was. At home he has been having a hard time sleeping past 4am but no significant changes in behavior.

Thats all for now. My heart feels warm and peaceful today.

Easter Pics!

I'm on my way to bed after the best Easter I can remember. A great weekend with family, friends and even the kids at juvie. The best part??? Chase had a GREAT time at Sunday School while I was able to worship the Lord during the ENTIRE service.

Video etc

VIDEO: Just a little entertainment...and probably a good laugh.

This has been a rough week for me. Kevin went back to his dad's house for a week. My mom fell and broke her foot while standing in my front yard. And to top it off, I got really sick and ended up in the emergency room with a steroid shot in my butt to help me breathe.

Does anybody notice the BIG thing that I'm not stressing about??? CHASE!! He's been fantastic. I don't know how I would have made it through this week without all of Chase's help. Lamictal seems to be a good med for him. He doesn't seem as irritable or short tempered.

Time to enjoy the sunshine and smiling kiddos. And my last day of Sick-Leave.

Bliss

What a great week this has been!

Chase and my boyfriend's son, T, doing their homework TOGETHER.

All three kiddos playing in the front yard.

Chase and T playing the Xbox Kinect This month really has me excited for our future as a family. Chase, Aimee, T, H (boyfriend) and me. I feel so blessed to have fallen in love with a man that adores my children and is willing to step up to the plate. (And I happen to adore his son also!) As Chase informed me this morning, "The Lord is REALLY listening when we pray."

changes

Things have been fairly stable around our house! My mind is jumbled after a busy day so watch out for scattered thoughts... My boyfriend and his son are slowly becoming more and more involved in our lives. NO I'm not in a hurry and NO I'm not planning on a wedding anytime soon. But YES I am in love and enjoying every minute of it! I applied for Social Security Child Disability based on Chase's illness. The result of my hour long phone interview: DENIED. I make too much money. BEFORE taxes of course. My net income would totally qualify, but they don't care that the county takes $1500/mo for not-optional retirement. Maybe I'll just quit my job, get on welfare and then have more services and cash to raise my kids. They just sh*t on those of us that are doing things the "right" way. Last sunday Chase really seemed pulled by his illness away from his faith in God. I made the tough decision to go to church without him. Aimee still went with me. I have so many friends that I really look up to that aren't shy about giving me advice. (Bless them!) They remind me that it is important to lead my child to the place where he can learn about God's love. But when it ultimately I need to focus strengthening my own relationship with God first. So that's what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in such a different place than I was a month ago. It has nothing to do with Chase's stability but everything to do with a change within me. That's it for now. Bedtime.

video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uYSEakg9Sg

What a wonderful gift of pictures/cards for Chase from his best friend Brooklyn's 3rd Grade Class.

nothing

Chase has been home from the hospital for one week now. The rollercoaster continues although not such intense highs and lows. I'm not sure whats going on with me for the last few days but I feel like I can't shake this funky mood. I spent 4 hours steam cleaning the carpets and cleaning the house this morning. I feel restless and anxious. It doesn't have anything to do with Chase but I can't put my finger on what the actual issue is. nothing...

short

Not in the mood to write but I owe you an update, so here goes. Both kids are doing well. They had a great time at Sunday School for the first time at our new church. We will stay at the current dosage of Lamictal until about April 15 and then bump it up a bit. Today I'm turning the medical releases in to Social Security so they can open Chase's case and hopefully help us. Then I go to work.

Rollercoaster

I was so right last night when I predicted I'd wake up smooshed between my two kiddos. I woke up between them and had to laugh out loud.

Today was quite a rollercoaster.

UP - Chase woke up in a cheerful mood.
DOWN - The van driver turned the car around and brought Chase back home at 8am because he was verbally attacking another kid and making threats before they could even get on the freeway.
UP - Grandma took Chase to school and he had a fantastic morning, completing all his work in a happy mood.
DOWN - After lunch, he was attacking a teachers aid, threw a chair, a book and was removed to the support room and didn't calm down until it was time to go home.
UP - Met one of the pastors from the church and his wife who have a grown son that was very similar to Chase. They prayed with us. Chase even offered to begin the prayer.

After leaving the church, we had a fantastic evening. Chase completed all his homework without argument. I tried a new recipe for homemade chicken noodle soup. Shower/bedtime went smoothly.

I am learning that I can't worry about yesterday, this morning or even tomorrow. I can only be thankful for this very moment. And at this moment, I am happy.

Lists

I feel such warmth tonight. And its not only because i'm under my heating blanket in my cozy bed. BOTH of my kids are warm and peacefully sleeping in their own beds tonight. Not for long though, I tend to get little visitors in the middle of the night and end up snuggled between a wiggle-worm and a bed-hog.

I learned a few things today, so I will share

• Its not a good sign when hospital staff make a big SIGH of relief as your child is being discharged.
• Inhalers are for emergencies. So don't hide them. (or you won't find them when you can't breathe!)
• One blanket and stuffed animal going TO the hospital with an 8 year old = two giant bags of random CRAP when its time to go home (and the 8 year old can't carry it so you should expect to)
• Friends are the ones that help you walk through the front door of the church when you can't seem to do it alone.
• Good nanny's are almost impossible to find so don't let your mom piss them off ;-) J/K Lauren. We love ya!
• Kids say the darndest but most honest things. Tonight my boyfriends son and Chase asked us if they could just be brothers already? (Two impatient adolescents...this should be fun.. lol)
• Friends see a need in your life and without asking, they just fill it. (Thanks Di. Really.)
• Only God can open our eyes to whats been right in front of us the entire time.

My To Do list for tomorrow:
1. Finish the Social Security Child Disability application online and hope the claim isn't rejected again.
2. Check out the upcoming flag football league. The other one doesn't start till August.
3. Take Chase to church where we will have a tour of the children's ministry.
4. Get that kid a haircut. Yikes, its out of control and soon will be a home for all sorts of wild animals.

Good night. God Bless.

coming home

I am exhausted from work and need to rest up so this won't be long....promise. Tomorrow is a big day. Chase comes home at 2pm. I feel a million emotions at once. As excited as I always am to bring my boy home, I'm nervous. I am bringing home a "cutter" for the first time and that scares the poop out of me. Maybe it was just something he did in the hospital and won't do at home? Only time will tell. But what I do know for sure is that my family will be all sitting at the dinner table for dinner on Wednesday night.

This is the first time that I've brought Chase home with this renewed sense of faith, hope and strength that I am learning to find in the Lord. I intend to share that with my kids and I can't wait for Chase to feel the warmth that I felt at church on sunday.

Time for bed with butterflies in my tummy and a smile on my face.

amazing

I feel amazing today. I am full of hope and faith! I found a church last night. It was so hard for me to walk through the front door. I went inside and sat down and when I opened the program, saw that the sermon would be about Suffering and Trials. How ironic? It was a good sermon with fun music and good energy. After the sermon I almost left but I saw the prayer room and went inside. An older lady sat next to me and asked if I wanted her to pray with me. I gave her a short version of my sons stuggles and she grabbed my hands and began praying. As I was leaving, she asked me if I would come back so she could hear more about Chase and I could hear more about the love of God.

What a difference a day makes (and a little nudge from our Lord.)

The Line

Today Chase crossed a line. The line cannot be seen or even defined. But a line none the less. See below for the sad series of events and I am sure you will feel the "line" being crossed.

1. During a process group in the hospital, a peer said something hurtful to Chase.

2. Chase reacted impulsively and aggressively.

3. Chase was sent to his room for a short time out before he could return to group.

4. He went into his room, broke a plastic comb and rubbed it on the corner of the wall to sharpen it.

5. Chase cut his own arm with the comb until he bled.

6. Chase carried the sharpened/bloody comb as he charged back into the group without permission.

7. Staff stopped Chase, retrieved the comb and were able to calm Chase and then immediately notify me of the incident.

As much as I could write about the above incident and the line that was crossed today, I just can't.

What I will say is that I prayed over the phone with a dear friend of mine, Kristie. We prayed that Chase would be healed and that I would be able to let go of my need for control and be strong enough to give it to God. I must accept that I cannot save my son from his illness. God can. But I have to reach out and ask for His help. So tonight when I got home, I literally fell to my knees and let go. Let God. This is just the beginning of my journey.

And just as this storm rages outside the walls of my warm house, I am reminded that after the storm comes sunshine. In the sunshine I will see Jesus holding Chase's hand.

Chase at about 2 years old.
Beautiful.