Guilty

I'm too emotional to write anything that will make sense tonight. I don't think I've ever done this format on a computer. When I was in treatment for anorexia we did this stuff all the time. The goal is just to write what you are thinking and feeling without all the fluff inbetween. No structure. No rules.

Here we go:
Chase sad Chase happy Mommy sad guilty . Need to do more, doing too much already. Chase Aimee Mom, our family. When one pulls away, the others come back stronger. Hurt Actual physical pain in my heart. Beautiful smiles and amazing sport games played on a psychiatric unit. Aimee misses mommy. Mommy misses Aimee. Mommy is drained of energy and so Aimee misses her. What is the right thing to do. At what point can I loosen my grasp on my life and let God jump in. I pull away. From god, from peers, from family, from any form of support. Pity hurts. Aching in my heart and soul for my daddy. He was more than amazing and now he is gone and it hurts. Work sucks. Stupid new staff screws up my whole shift and I get written up for it. Another write up. Another black mark on my personell file. Failure. At work, with my kids, with my finances and probably my romance. Guilty Hurt Terrified Anxious Sad Withdrawn Pessimistic Torn Helpless Isolated Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty.

Our plans

Quick update before I go to bed. (Yes its only 1pm but I work a graveyard shift tonight.)

Chase is actually doing well. His new meds seem to be helping quite a bit. I'm so proud of my little man. And he has a roommate that he has so much fun with!

The plan for the next few weeks:
1. Get chase out of the hospital.
2. Transfer him to a residential treatment center in San Francisco. Our insurance will only cover a 2 week stay. I'm ok with that because it will give us a chance to see if it is really worth fighting for. We can see how he likes it and if its a good fit for him.
3. Next IEP at the end of March to discuss long term residential placement.
4. If necessary, bring in the big guns....a special education lawyer that I can't afford.

Since he's been back in the hospital, I haven't missed a single day at work. I take a lot of pride in my job and as much as I may complain about it...I love it.

Aimee is SUCH a diva lately. She reminds me of a teenager already! Yikes.

Thanks everyone for all your support and hugs. I've been in plenty of therapy throughout my life and writing has always been more helpful than talking for me.

Tears not words

Chase is still in the hospital with a new med plan.

As for mom....... I'm not well. My anxiety is off the charts. I am grieving for my dad a lot right now. So many things I would talk to him about.

I love my boyfriend but not sure our lives can blend. We are taking a break right now and it hurts.

I have so much else going on in my head but it just comes out as tears, not words.

HBO show

Chase is still hanging in there as much as any 7 year old can in a psych ward. I see a little progress with the new meds. But not nearly enough to feel safe.

On another note, there is a show on HBO that is called Boy Inturrupted. Its about a kid that is possibly bipolar. But the story ends in suicide. So if you are too emotionally tied to this issue, please don't watch it. Otherwise, it shows a lot of similar things to Chase and it terrifies me. I pray with such early intervention Chase will be okay and have his mental illness under better control.

I'm going to bed now.....mmmm sleep...

Pics

Aimee insisted that I take this picture. Her hair was wet, she dressed herself and she had her baby doll ready to go to school. Silly boy is losing all his baby teeth!

Check out Aimee's face! This is them after their showers and in a rare moment of friendship.

Aimee insisted on wearing this princess dress all day, despite the 50degree weather.

Sara the doggie.

Chase is still in the hospital, but with the Geodon, Visterol and Clonidine, he's doing better than I expected. And he is becoming quite the artist!

Bittersweet

Chase is back in the hospital after we sat in the ER for 10 hours yesterday. That included one pretty good rage where they nearly put him in restraints. He's not happy to be there, but I could see relief on his face. He doesn't want to hurt us or scare us and he feels that we are safe when he's in the hospital. My little boy is so compassionate.

Aimee woke up this morning and is back to her normal self without worrying about Chase's rages.

On another note, I reconnected with an old friend this morning and I'm SO happy about it. We haven't talked in years but she was always a huge support for me and we have been through a LOT together. (Hi Lauren!)

I will update more later, after I talk with the hospital docs and social worker.

please pray

Chase is doing worse than he ever has. I have been bitten, strangled and torn down emotionally. He will be going back to the hospital today. His sister is terrified of him and for some reason he has been directing a lot of anger at her.

I am devistated (no clue how to spell it.) He started on a new med this weekend, Geodon and so far I'm not seeing any improvement.

Chase needs to go to a residential treatment center but no one will pay for it. I keep pushing the school district but they keep pushing back.

Please keep praying.