3am! ugh...

Yes its 3am. Yes I'm awake.

Chase is doing really well. For me at least. He's been a pain in the neck for the nanny, but I really think she instigates a lot of the problems. And she isn't good at spreading out the homework throughout the evening.

Its about to be my "day off." Except I have a meeting at work at 3pm. Yay. Its about the changes on my unit. I'm thankful to have a job. I really am. But meetings on my day off are CRAZY and just plain mean.

the why

I'm not sure where this post will end up. My mind seems like an endless string of thoughts stuck together with bubble gum.

I feel like although my life is feeling somewhat stable, I am starting to spiral downward. I'm constantly tired, fighting back tears and irritated with everybody. I have been dubbed "the avoiderer" and the nickname fits. I don't feel like talking on the phone to anyone really. Even my daily phone call to my mom has become a chore. If I had it my way, I'd stay home all day, every day.

I already see the comments now.... "Maybe you should see a doc" and "You need to take care of yourself first in order to be able to take care of your children." I know. I know. I do see a doc and will probably go more often for a while. My confusion is over the 'WHY'.

Here are some updates:

My son has been home from the hospital for nearly 8 weeks now. Thats the longest amount of time since his first hospitalization. And we have only called MRT like 3 times since July.

Chase got 100% on his first spelling test today!

My daughter is finally potty trained (during the day)

I'm getting Child Support garnishments from the state (his unemployment. less that half what i'm supposed to get but its SOMETHING finally)

My job description is evolving as we speak. The location and hours will be the same, but my shift will look different. Not even sure what that means yet.

My dad's "illness is progressing." Thats what the hospice nurse says. Progressing. Not the word I would use for the impending death of my father. The one man in my life who loves me unconditionally.

Ok that last one is a biggie. I haven't talked about that lately. Maybe that's the why.

pics

Just wanted to post some pictures from today. It was a great day. Of course now my throat hurts.

Update and scary

I haven't posted in a while. No huge updates. Still struggling with homework and massive sibling rivalry.

I called Mrs. S yesterday. She said that he will recieve the same homework as everyone else and he will still lose a point if he doesn't complete it. But he does have the option of finishing it at recess if necessary.... I don't feel great about that. I need to think about it a bit more before our IEP so I can address the issue.

One of my coworkers was shot on monday night. Someone followed her from work (Martinez) to Elk Grove. As she stopped at a stoplight, he shot her through her shoulder. She is ok, in the hospital. They won't be removing the bullet. Another reminder how dangerous my job is...

Oh and swine flu is floating around my unit again....

learning, homework and Rick

Rick goes home tomorrow. Makes me sad to think we may not see him until Halloween. The kids will miss him. Not only did he have fun with the kids, but also helped me get a little break from cleaning/cooking etc. There aren't many people that I'd feel comfortable to let help like that.

We had a meeting on wednesday that I didn't write about. Basically the WrapAround team is brainstorming ways to lessen the rages and frusteration around homework. He's been getting so much homework that he feels overwhelmed and defeated before he even starts. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. See the following ideas:

1. Still complete the nightly 2 pages of language arts and 2 pages of math.

2. Decrease the number of weekly spelling words from 10 to 3.

3. Provide SOME flexability regarding the nightly homework due to his mood issues on some days.

One big problem is that Chase has bad days. Days where I'm just thankful that no one got hurt. Even looking at homework on those days is nearly impossible. However, the homework that doesn't get done should be added on top of the next nights homework. Either way, he gets the work done but without as much pressure.

I went with my neighbor to her son's (Chase's buddy A) IEP today. I feel like my presence there helped a little since the guy from the school district in attendence knows Chase and I very well. I pushed the team to put in a referral so A can get the AB3632 services. I also got hit with the idea that just as A has a hard time with writing, Chase is very delayed in his writing skills. I wonder if there is extra help provided for that. Even just an extra person at school to sit one on one with him when it is time to write. He needs constant encouragement and reminders.

Going to sleep now. Hopefully.

A very welcome guest

So Jared's dad is here. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but a lot of his family is disgusted with his behavior and has since stopped talking with him. Of course they all still LOVE our kids and me (duh!).

Anyway, Rick is here. He is amazing. My children have the BEST two grandpa's that I could ask for. Rick is staying with us until friday. Not only does he love the kids, but he is patient and very helpful. He understands Chase's illness and does the best he can to keep Chase under control. Aimee has him wrapped around her finger.

I'm going to bed but look forward to tomorrow.

Chase's room

Chase's room has been a Mecca for my tears in the last year.

I sat in there with him after he raged and was so sad that he said he wanted to die.

I held him on days where he was so depressed that he wouldn't stay awake and he just wanted to be in bed all day.

I held the door shut to be safe.

I painted his room while he was in the hospital.

I sat in his freshly painted room wishing he was well enough to come home.

I took every toy and book and packed them into boxes for the garage.

I sat in his emptied out "safe room" wishing it wasn't necessary but knowing it was.

I stared from the hallway.

I saw Aimee's beautiful room. Ladybugs, big white furniture, books, piggy bank, toys.

I saw Chase's room. Fresh paint, camoflouge, holes in the walls, no closet doors, void of all toys and books.